pieces of me

2011/29 & expectations

2012-01-02T12:29:00.015-06:00

well. happy new year! i used to hate that my birthday was on the same day as the last day of the year. no pressure. not only the weight of "did you live the last calendar year to your full potential?" but also "how was this last chronological year?" gah. for a girl who thinks all.the.time. and gets all caught up in memories (and regrets) it's hard. it always has been. i'm hoping it won't always be.

so my birthday ended up...nothing like i expected. not bad, just not what i had planned (i had planned quiet cups of coffee, a walk outside, hours shopping in anthropologie, books read by my still lit christmas tree). it ended up being one quiet cup of coffee, lunch with the fam, seeing War Horse (soo. good. go see it!!), running in and out of anthro, chipotle for dinner and catching up with dear, dear friends.

About half way through my day i laughed at my failed plans and unmet expectations. Why would the last day of 2011, be any different than the year as a whole? again. not bad. it wasn't a bad year, not at all. The resounding theme just seemed to be my expectations not being met. probably because the things i were expecting, hoping in would always disappoint. i blame no one but myself.

in the unmet expectations-i got to experience so much more than i could have thought (expected) this year. ironic. mainly. i found myself on a plane to a new favorite place every oh, 2 months or so. what a beautiful (and expensive) addiction.

[downtown portland at night]

[rocky mountains]

[frontier ranch, co]

[pikes market, seattle]

[fairhaven, wa]

[sandpoint, id]

[great grandmas ranch house, bonners ferry, id. mom & i]

[ft.lewis, wa. my little bro on the left. stud]

[montreat college, nc]

what will 2012 hold? i think its too early to tell, although i already have tickets to San Jose in march...so i have a feeling it will be a grand, grand year.

homes. and people. with a touch of whimsy

2011-10-16T17:58:00.004-05:00

Night of Musical Whimsy 2010 from Ben Welstead on Vimeo.

my friends ben & rene had this wonderful idea last year. they decided to get their friends together for a 'night of musical whimsy'. if you played an instrument, any instrument, bring it. if you didn't play anything, well. shoot. you could play a tambourine. or rip pages out of a phone book. they printed out lyrics and chords. and played. and sang. when they showed me the video i smiled as tears brimmed my eyelids. so beautiful. and fun.

i thought about this video today as i was sitting alone in my apartment. as a high, high Extrovert, long periods of alone time are hard on my little heart. my heart is most full when homes are FULL of people. my home. other peoples homes. it doesn't matter. just homes. and people. if you ask me to name the 'best.nights.ever' the common theme is easy to spot. lots of people. in a home. possibly around a table. bonus points if twinkle lights are involved.

i think i need to do this. friends. instruments. music. beer. food. twinkle lights. whimsy. you're all invited. i call dibs on the tambourine though. ;)

heel-toe

2011-10-13T16:21:00.002-05:00

the trail that I run on runs right across the street from Southwest Early College Campus. It's a beautiful building, all limestone and windows...but as most kcmo schools, filled with students who are struggling.

Lately I've seen Southwest kids running on the trail after school. There are two teachers who (I'm assuming here) have started an after school running club. I LOVE running by these kids. Seeing them exploring something I love makes my heart explode. Knowing the purpose and strength and discipline running, heck, any sport can give them makes me smile. Everyday it's the same crew. There's the girl with the cat ear headband who says "hi" every time she sees me. The young guy who is always way ahead, with the most determined face I've ever seen. These kids run in regular shoes. Regular clothes. A far cry from most of the Garmin pacing, dry-fit wearing runners that usually occupy the trail (I'm totally in that latter category-lest I judge).

Earlier this week all the students were running together. There was one guy-he looked more like a lineman than a runner-who was running toward the end of the pack. I loved that he didn't fit the stereotype, yet was still out there doing the work. As I passed by him I heard him saying under his breath "heel-toe. Heel-toe. Heel-toe."

I almost lost it. How many times have I been on the trail doing WHATEVER it took to keep going? How many times have I wanted to quit only to convince myself that I could make it to the next street. The next block.

Sometime life feels like that. Doing anything I can to make it to the next day. Out of breath. Tired. Worn out. Knowing I can make it, but just slightly afraid I can't. it's those times when i most want to give up, that doing the work matters. Staying the course. Taking a new grip with tired hands. How ever you want to say it-it's all the same. Heel-toe. Heel-toe.

And then. I thought I was through. Done. over it. Then, before I even know it. I've changed old habits. Believed new truths. Acted differently. ran more miles than I can count. Not through fancy gps watches and heart monitors and clothes that wick sweat. Nope. Just like linebackerturnedrunner southwest guy. heel-toe.

pickin' me a boquet of dogwood flowers

2011-09-28T17:21:00.004-05:00

the longest i've ever lived in one place was a little stucco duplex at ft. bragg, nc. we moved there when i was 8. 1990. i remember it was like 3 weeks before school ended. and they made me go to the last 3 weeks of 2nd grade. at a totally new school. with the meanest teacher i've ever had. she didn't like my handwriting-and would tell me so, every single day. we lived in that same house until the end of 7th grade. 1995. 5 years.

the housing area (military speak for neighborhood) we lived in was safe, so we were given free reign to pretty much do whatever we wanted. just as long as we were in by the time the street lights turned on. we'd ride our bikes, pretending they were horses galloping through the fields. i can't tell you how many forts i built. or the 'houses' we made out of pine needles. or the number of times i almost fell off the rope swing and into the creek. every year on the last day of school we'd have a shaving cream/pine cone fight. i know. weird. we'd get off the bus, run to our backyards to get the cans of shaving cream our mom's had left out and go at it. when you ran out of shaving cream you just started throwing pine cones. i lived outside. we all did.

a week and a half ago i was back in the land of the pines. i hadn't been back in 16 years. i was there for a wedding. my first friend, jenna's, actually. we met when i was in 5th grade, she in 6th. she liked the boy who liked me. she told me that it was ok, and i could have him, because she wanted to be friends with me more than she wanted to date him. and 16 years later i stood next to her as she married the man of her dreams.

it was the most surreal thing-the whole weekend. most army kids don't have life long friends they keep in touch with. we hadn't seen each other since high school. it didn't matter. it instantly felt familiar. safe. like i had wandered into a dream. her wedding was at the college she went to, where we had gone to camp one summer. montreat college, nestled deep in the mountains. it was literally a dream. those dreams that you're not sure if you're awake or asleep. it seems too perfect for you to be awake...but its so real-you have to be.

her family loves well. really, really well. and it was all sorts of southern culture at its best. i'm sure i blew through all of the southern social cues. and i'm also fairly certain they didn't quite know what to do with a feisty red head from kansas city. but we covered those miscues and awkward moments with lots of wine and lots of food. and laughter. dang. i laughed more than i have laughed in a long, long time.

the last night i was there looked around the room. kids a few years out of college. retired generals who had fought in multiple wars. wives. sisters. mothers. brothers. friends. all playing the craziest game of catch phrase ever. harassing each other like best friends. like family. because we were. in the military your friends ARE your family.

as i drove down the mountain on the way back to the airport i smiled through tears. smiling at the scent of pines as i drove down the highway. smiling as i continued to remember stories about growing up with jenna. smiling as i remembered times with my family there. holidays. and vacations. and daily life. tears fell softly as i drove further and further away from a place that loved me well that weekend. that had always loved me well. they say you can never go home again. and i beg to differ.

granted, i'll be the first to admit that when the longest you've lived in one house is 5 years, your concept of home is gonna be pretty jacked. but when you breathe in deeply, mountain air and feel the most alive you've felt. and then exhale and feel like all the peace in the world is yours, that counts.

so a week and a half later i'm still reconciling it all. trying to figure it all out and trying to not think about it. untangling the strings. untying the knots. and then retying some. letting it be what it is. letting me be who i am.

(and wouldn't you know i didn't take one photo. shoot.)

so, apparently i'm an extrovert

2011-06-22T06:37:00.011-05:00

i mean, i've never doubted it before, but i've loved my alone time. just never realized how balanced it was with my talk my face off time.

saturday i had one conversation. one. i chatted with a sweet couple at the farmers market for about 10 min and then didn't talk to anyone else the rest of the day. i didn't realize what a big deal this was until at about 10pm i felt like i had been hit by a truck. completely drained. i sat there baffled. drained? but i did life giving things, like reading, relaxing, cleaning. normal things that don't drain a person. and then i remembered my one measly little ten minute conversation. for me, someone who could easily carry on a conversation for excess of 5 hours, this was a big deal. i never realized that not talking could exhaust me.

About a month ago i moved into an apartment by myself. i love it. its the cutest little place (pictures to come soon. when i remember to take them in the daylight). with the best location. and it just perfect for me. At the same time, my cube mate of two years (which is a long time in my work world to sit next to someone) moved to Australia.

so basically i went from roommate & cube mate. to living & sitting alone. all in one week. for an introvert this would be equatable to being surrounded by people and engaging with them all day. exhausting, right?

so its been an adjustment. and i have to be really intentional about conversations, because they just don't randomly happen anymore due to proximity. like in so many other areas of my life right now, intentionality is key. how long have i just sat around and waited for my life to happen and then got frustrated because nothing was. yup. makes total sense ;) yet i've lived that way for soo long.

so its not every day that i see people, or have really deep, meaningful conversations. but its almost sweeter when those do happen, because there has been almost a pregnant pause, a weight, a set-apartness to us being together. i feel like i've earned that time, internally. the fruit of this has been sweet. the waiting for it to spring up and grow, well, that's been a little more difficult, but good. and really, when you get to spend time with these great girls, the goodness is totally worth the wait.

crystal and i at mumford. the second time we've seen them. i have a few concert buddies, and crystal has been tried and true. some of my favorite concert memories have involved this girl.

amy and i decided to have a totally farmers market dinner. sweet potato fries (with the BEST dipping sauce ever), salad and wine. yeah. there's just something incredible about eating food that was picked the day before, and cooked with aprons on. aprons just make everything more fun, no?

i'll leave you with nothing really related to being an extrovert, or hanging out with people. but it might be the most beautiful bouquet of flowers ever. if i were a bouquet of flowers i'd be this one right here. all wild and free.

LIFE=good stories

2011-06-10T21:17:00.004-05:00

preface: i'm a horrible, absolutely awful story teller. just ask my friends. this one time i told "the worst story ever" and i think the teasing has finally stopped, about a year later. i'll start a story and forget names, and places, and more details than were imaginable. and yet, i really, really love good stories. I generally try to live a good story, even if i can't recount the details later. ;)

i have friends who are telling good stories.

last week my friends graham, kyle, abby and chris (well, i don't really know chris, buuuut he runs with this crew, so he's probably stellar. hi chris, nice to meet you.) launched their company, LIFE=. they've been working on it for a good while now, but it officially launched with a what else, but a launch party. because you know its not official until there is a party.

i was excited about this party because i love these guys. and i love their product (for real, its awesome) and i love what they're about. "a better you creates a better world" so.so.true. BUT i get up every morning at 4:30. and work for 8 hours. and then go on a run. so by about 7:30, i'm beat. for sure not gearing up for a party. i knew i didn't have a whole lot of energy left to give people. as i walked in, i felt the strongest sense that i wasn't there to talk, to half tell stories i couldn't remember, but to listen. so that's what i did.

i heard stories about my friends who are living in a church in the middle of a part of town known as the murder factory named for just the culture of violence that is bred there. they're newly weds sharing ONE bathroom with 4 other couples and two single girls. They have a heart for the city. and the people who live there. They're developing relationships with their neighbors. loving up on the kids running the streets. praying for change, redemption, and seeing it happen. being a part of it happening. friends, i don't have an innate bent for the inner city, but after talking with them for 30 minutes, i was so filled with encouragement and excited for what they're doing! the lives they're living. the stories they're writing.

they left and i caught up with another friend, who has just gone through a really hard season. over the last year, he's seen his hopes, his dreams slip through his fingers like sand. now, he knows enough to know that "it was for the best" but its still painful. i was talking to him a few months ago, asking what was new and he shared a new adventure that might be happening. i asked him what it was. he didn't want to tell me, in case it didn't happen. and he was tired of telling people and everything falling through. i totally understood. but last week. i sat next to him and i got to hear dream after dream after dream being fulfilled in his life. more than he could have expected. it was beautiful. where he could have given up, resigned to always getting the short end, he pressed in. and he's doing the dang thing! His joy and peace are palpable. when everything felt stacked against him, he chose to believe a better story.

as i was walking out, an old friend was just coming in. Well, he's not an old friend, we haven't even known each other a year, but i feel like we've been friends forever. see, he started/help start the community i'm a part of. the community that has taught me about identity. and and mission. how to love well. and how to be loved well. he was there long before i was, and laid foundation that i don't think we'll ever know the full scope of. so over this year, he's talked about his heart getting pulled, between his job and his passions. His job that he didn't absolutely, completely love was draining him for the work that he felt really called to. it wasn't working. so he decided to switch it up. change departments. go part time. have more time to invest in the community he's a part of now. a community that knows that change happens through life on life relationships. sharing stories.

i really didn't know what to expect at this party. didn't know who was going to be there. or what it was going to be like. i thought i was going there to support my friends. cheer them on. remind them that the hard work, the hard year has been worth it. life was going to = me encouraging others. how tragic would that have been if that's all that i would have been present for.

i'm so glad i heard that still, small voice telling me to listen. i'm so glad i actually listened. amazing, really incredible things are happening all around us. in our lives, in our friends lives, in strangers lives. There are good stories being written over and over and over. there are stories being redeemed. beautiful stories coming out of the dust. are our lives telling those stories? better yet, are we listening to them?

what does LIFE= for you?

hope .

2011-04-24T16:24:00.006-05:00

my life is a little scattered lately. and by a little, i really mean a whole heck of a lot. there isn't much that feels normal. or stable. or consistent. and the things that are, i'm clinging to them for dear life. like a wood plank in the middle of rapids. or what i assume rapids would feel like. this is what i was surrounded by saturday night.

in the midst of chaos, i'm clinging to hope.

i'm clinging to it with everything i've got right now.

on friday night a few friends and i went to vintage in lawrence for their good friday service. the pastor, seth, challenged us to think of a short phrase of what hope is to us. i lost the little sheet we were handed when we walked in, so i just started writing in my journal.

my hope:
that you don't abandon me. that you're right there leading me-that you've prepared a place for me. that i fit. that i belong. that in your suffering you've created a place for my heart to be me. fully me. quirky. alive. silly. emotional. intense. my hope is that you've gone before me. you know and have brought me to this. you knew what you were doing when you created me and i delight you

everyone who hadn't lost their papers in the 5 min we were supposed to hold onto them, then passed them to the ushers. after a few more songs, they wheel out a cross with everyone's papers tacked to a cross. seth talked about what the original good friday was like to the disciples. everything they had believed in, everything that they had trusted, and hoped in was on the cross. He asked us to think what it would have been like if we didn't know that sunday was coming. if what we had written down was dissolved right in front of us.

i looked back in my journal and fought back tears.

i absolutely can't imagine if i didn't have hope.

and that's the difference between then and now. is that i know the end of the story. i don't need to run and hide on friday because i know that my God is alive! and that my hope is secure in him.

i know all this sounds overly dramatic, and i'm well aware that not everything in my life is shifty. it just feels that way. i'm packing up a home that has been lovely for the last 14 months. putting things in boxes not really knowing where i'm going. closing one chapter, a little unsure of what the next one holds. its a little unsettling, to say the least. living in a half packed home, is just awkward. and annoying. so its really no surprise to me that this week, these verses have brought hope. and stability.

"be strong and courageous! don't be afraid for the lord your God will personally go ahead of you. he will neither fail, nor abandon you..." deut 31:6

"i've picked you. i haven't dropped you. don't panic. i'm with you. there is no need to fear, for i'm your God. i'll give you strength. i'll help you. i'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you" isa 41:9-10"

"and the peace i give is a gift the world cannot give. so don't be troubled or afraid." john 14:27

(exhale)

"so take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees..." heb 12:12

(inhale)

its sunday. and i'm excited! real excited! because i DO have hope. and Christ. and promises that i can believe. and and incredible friends, who are letting me live in guest rooms, and storing my stuff. friends who remind me who i am. what's true about me. what's true about Jesus.

i have no idea whats next.

"...yet i still dare to hope" lamentations 3:21

day of awesomeness

2011-04-20T07:07:00.005-05:00

so i've got this confession. i really love The OC. like, really love it. i started watching it when i was in china (and actually judged the M's who got me hooked. the first episode we watched was the one where julie is sleeping with marissa's (her daughter) ex-boyfriend, luke. um. we were missionaries why were we watching this trash? ha.

it only took me about a week of being home to burn through the first 2 seasons.

now, i'm not saying it's a wholesome show. or that it has a good message. or anything like that. but i'm ALL about character development, and how characters change over the course of a book, movie, tv show. teen melodrama is full of characters developing. juvie to Berkley. fashionista to activist. see, all sorts of development.

Diane hadn't been enlightened to the wonder that is the oc when she first moved in with me and rachel. So we decided, lets take a saturday and spend it watching the oc. and the "day of awesomeness" was born. Diane came over at 9 with coffee and bagels. and we started watching. at about 2 we would take a break to go walk to the village for more coffee (pumpkin spice latte anyone?). At about 7 we'd pause and Rachel would make her famous homemade pizza. We'd generally quit at about 1am. 15 hours. of watching the oc.

yup. awesome.

we did this every now and then until we had watched all 4 seasons.

and then diane went to chicago and reconnected with a boy who was actually FROM the oc. she came back and i asked "how was it?" i had been praying the whole time that she would fall madly in love with him. She looks at me with this sly grin and says "well. at one point we were sitting on the sofa. and if he would have turned his head 30 degrees, i totally would have made out with him".

diane and jon got married on saturday. it was wonderful. i was that girl who wept through the whole ceremony. it couldn't have been more perfectly them. their lives and friends intersected and meshed beautifully. and i got to meet and become BFF's with people i had previously only heard stories about. steel spine jarret. trader joe's bill. betsy.

the ultimate day of awesomeness.

diane. i love you. i'm so happy you finally listened to all of us and married jon.

here .

2011-04-10T11:05:00.004-05:00

i like to think a quiet blog equates to a really crazy real life, with no time to write about it... or maybe its just laziness. either way...my real life has been crazy lately. breathtakingly beautiful. but crazy busy. things are stirring, and i'm doing my best to see how it all is sorting out. weekend trips to the mountains always help with the sorting out of the stirring.

right now i'm sitting in a delightful (big) kitchen, drinking some french press, eating organic yogurt topped with home made (gluten free) granola. its a little gray and wet outside, finally. the last two days have been sunny and dry. bellingham pulled out all the stops to make me feel at home. but i'm loving the gray. and the rain. and the french press. especially the french press.

i don't have many words yet, about this place. about being here. i feel like i've been simultaneously trying to be present and soak it in, and also be little miss nancy drew, analyzing everything. how did this feel? what does that look like? do you like this? them? oh.my.stars. its exhausting. a friend called last night. and reminded me just how tiring it was, and challenged me to just be here. just laugh. and enjoy. to listen to stories, and tell them, and just be.

what a concept...

so i'm here. no solid words. and only one photo uploaded.

seattle and i. we look great together, don't ya think?

it always is

2011-03-03T06:33:00.004-06:00

art=happy

the lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness. psalm 25:10

it's been a long week. one of those weeks, where loving people doesn't overflow and abound (bitterness, anger, and hurt, that's abounding in plenty). love, actually, hasn't been my first response in any situation this week. yikes. and SUCK.

so i've had to force myself. and remind myself. over and over. and then some more. lead with love, anna. lead with love.

so, today's a new day. that i'm sure will be full of opportunities to be hurt, and frustrated, and tired, and angry. but i'm also pretty positive that those will actually be opportunities to let love seep in, to let it overflow.

for it to be the only answer.

generous

2011-02-25T20:28:00.005-06:00

i have the best neighbor. his name is george. when it snowed for 3 days straight (ok, maybe just one) a few weeks ago, i came home to this. never fails. the snow has barely stopped falling and george is out shovelling our sidewalk and steps.

this morning at 5:15, i go out to scrape the layers of snow and ice of my car.* i open the door and who do i see? george. digging my car out and scraping it. at 5:15am!! because he knows that i leave at 5:30. are you kidding me?

generous, i tell you. extravagant, even. undeserved like grace, but oh so welcome.

i learned a lot about generosity this week. over and over. and then some more.

*it actually wasn't my car. it was the kautzi's car. which they loaned to me, in the middle of a snowstorm, with a sicky baby in tow. because my car is in the shop, getting detailed, for free. because i spilled chili all over it.

see what i mean about generous? over and over and over.

joy

2011-02-13T09:23:00.004-06:00

amy and i laughing hysterically. which results in my mouth wide open and my eyes disappearing. i can't help it, and really, i actually love it.

photo by becca spears

every january i try to set a word, or intention for the year. generally it comes out of the blue and i just roll with it. last year i don't remember having a word, but i felt like it was going to be a hard, pruning year. note to self. if you set an intention of "pruning" don't be surprised if God does just that. :)

this year my word is joy.

i just decided that this year would be marked with JOY. the laugh so hard you cry, joy. the i can't believe how absolutely incredible God is, joy. the delight in the little things, joy.

sometimes joy comes easy. and sometimes it has to be fought for. sometimes i can see it coming from a mile away, and other times it comes in the least of expected places. and sometimes its just not there.

i was reading "Into the Wild" this morning and was reminded of this, of where joy comes from. i get a little nervous about being inspired by a book where the main character drops everything to wander into the alaskan woods, and then dies. lord knows i don't need any inspiration to drop everything and head west. but what alex wrote struck me.

"you are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. it is in everything and anything we might experience. we just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living.

my point is that you do not need me or anyone else to bring this new kind of light into your life. it is simply waiting out there for you to grasp it, and all you have to do is reach for it. The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances." -into the wild, jon krakauer

there are those times when joy is just hard. when i'm trying to search frantically for it and it takes everything i have not to cuss, (and usually end up cussing anyway), much less to find joy in anything. probably because i'm pretty consumed with myself in those moments. i think that's what alex is getting at in his letter to ron. That when we're wrapped up with ourselves, its no surprise that joy is hard to find. but when we open our eyes to people around us, when we choose to live life a little differently, when we chose to do the hard, unfamiliar things, joy surprisingly floods in.

its hard work. these new things. this unfamiliar life. holy, is it ever! but to me, its worth it. joy is worth it.

"... ride out to victory, defending truth, humility, and justice. go forth and perform awe-inspiring deeds! ... you love justice and hate evil. therefore God, your God, has anointed you, pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else." psalm 45:4&7

yup. that sounds about right.

jump

2011-01-31T16:14:00.006-06:00

last night at church glen was speaking on believing God and told a story from our time in colorado. One night after dinner i was hanging with ben and emri (my favorite little person ever) and he stood her up on the stairwell banister, which was about 4 feet off the ground. At first he was holding onto her and her eyes were wide, and a little frightened. then he started to let go and back away. she started to whimper 'no', eyes wide, shaking, seemingly terrified. but then she locked eyes with her daddy, smiled huge and jumped into his open arms. pure delight. she squealed and protested "again". they did this a few more times.

photo of emri & ben : jewel anderson

i remember standing there when emri was in the midst of deciding if ben was really not going to let her fall. i looked at her with tears in my eyes and wanted to scoop her up, off the banister. and hold her safe. as if i knew better than her DAD. but i just stood there, watching the scene unfold.

There was something in that moment that struck me. i KNEW ben was going to catch her. ironically, once last year i was falling down some stairs and he caught me. so it wasn't that i didn't believe he would catch her. i think i was afraid that she wouldn't believe he'd catch her.

i wanted to save her from that fear.

i wanted to save me from that fear.

see, i don't do anything i'm not sure, absolutely positive, i'll succeed at. thankfully i'm randomly good at a fair number of things, so i can keep this game going for a while, everyone thinking i'm taking huge risks and trusting God.

but the reality is fear has crippled me. i've stood on the banister, eyes wide, shaking a little, whimpering "no".

where did i get the idea that my Daddy wasn't going to catch me? That if i jumped He'd turn his back, ready to catch everyone else, BUT me? friends, those are some pretty JACKED thoughts.

As with most things, it's a choice. A month ago i decided to choose to believe God. to take him at his word. to choose to believe that i am who he says i am, that he can do what he says he can do. that he's generous and a giver. that he gives good gifts. to me.

"the lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. o lord of heaven's armies, what joy for those who trust in you."
psalm 84:11-12

all it took was em looking in her daddy's eyes and she knew he'd catch her. All we, shoot, all i, need to do is look into my Daddy's eyes and know that he's going to catch me.

all i need to do is jump.

remembering

2011-01-28T21:03:00.003-06:00

i've always been that girl. the one with the crazy memory for pointless details. not only can i remember exactly when we met (3ish years ago), i'll also remember what you were wearing (that maroon sweater) and what we talked about in our first conversation (isaiah 30). believe me, this gets awkward when i remember things and bring them up later. in my head everyone remembers those details, apparently not. obviously this also makes me a GREAT teammate in any sort of trivia game.

but then there are things that i have a really hard time remembering. you know. the important things. like the conversation we had 30 minutes ago. what did you say again? or how faithful the lord has been. wait, wasn't it just yesterday i believed that promise? funny how our minds work like that.

so i'm trying to work on remembering. in the moment. to have the time span between situation-lies-truth decrease significantly. i want something to happen have my first response be truth. remembering promises and His faithfulness.

a few years ago kerri introduced me to the idea of stacking stones. It's found in Joshua 4.

We will use these stones to build a memorial. in the future your children will ask you, 'what do these stones mean?' then you will tell them, 'They remind us that the jordan river stopped flowing when the ark for the Lord's covenant went across' these stones will stand as a memorial among the people of israel forever. josh 4:6-7

their family has a bowl full of stones to remind them of the ways the lord has been faithful. Ker has even started blogging to help them (and us) remember how the Lord has been faithful.

as with most things, i'm following her lead. i don't want to forget what the Lord has done. i want to remember i want to go back and remind myself over and over and over again, if i have to.

so here we are. remembering.

for my birthday kerri had the beautiful idea for everyone to write something that i was on a stone. so i could keep them and remember. photo cred: my awesome roommate bethany

merry christmas from THE MAN*

2010-12-23T12:43:00.000-06:00

Half our team is in kc, the other half in luxembourg. every year we take a christmas picture so they know who they're talking to. or who they're frustrated with. depends on the day. ;)

*my friends like to joke around that I work for the Man. anytime anyone asks what i do, i have two friends in particular (bless their hearts) who respond before i can, "she works for THE MAN." they think it's funny, i reply back and start dropping numbers, amounts they can't even begin to register. it's a clever little game we like to play.

hey normal day!

2010-12-10T07:30:00.001-06:00

29 blackstreet

sometimes i search out some big grand thing. i create some incredible moment that will top all other moments. the BEST.EVER. if you will.

and those are great, and i really, really love them. but i also love the normal ones.

the plain white t-shirt and scarf days.

sometimes, those are my favorite.
always, they are sweet to the soul.

i'm excited about the normalcy of today!

31 days

2010-11-30T18:02:00.000-06:00

i'd say i'm a pretty unique looking person. most everyone else says so too. not in a bad way (i don't think), just in the way that not very many people know very many six foot tall girls with long red hair. shoot, i don't know any other tall redheads. wait. i do know one! and she's beautiful.

Here's what happens with redheads. we're used to being the only ones. so when we see another, much less one with the exact same color hair, or height or whatnot, we stare. And then we (or maybe it's just me) strike up conversation. generally about our hair. or how beautiful they are. At least that's what I did to Jessie. I was sitting next to hear at The Big Table and said "hi jessie. I'm anna. I've noticed you at jacobs well before. just got excited about another tall redhead. your hair is beautiful". yep. welcome to awkward.

but its not awkward. its actually really awesome. because that's pretty much how susannah and i met. She came up to me one day after the gathering and immediately commented on my hair. see, suz and i have the same hair. well. the same color. her's is short and saucy. mine long and wild.

we also have the same crooked smile.

and only dress up as redheaded characters on halloween.

Annie and Ariel (you know. when she first got legs on the beach and Scuttle wraps her up in a sail? favorite costume to date!)

Mrs. Incredible and Hott Donna from That 70s Show

we also look incredible in the same colors, and tend to often dress alike.

AND, the probably the most exciting, we have the SAME BIRTHDAY! Now, this generally would be no big deal, i know lots of friends with the same birthday. But when your birthday is on New Years Eve, it's a big deal. Those without NYE birthdays will probably never understand our excitement for finding someone like us. Those with Valentines birthdays come about the closest.

New Years Eve might be the most awkward day of the year. its the day to take stock in what your year amounted too. successes, failures, washes. its also the day you start thinking about the next year, what adventure is to come, just around the corner. And then there are the parties, which are generally AWESOME and involve party dresses, confetti, dancing and noisemakers. but then there's midnight. which goes back to awkward. enough said about that. moral of the story: as incredible as the parties are, they are generally never about us. you know. the who were born?!?! overshadowed by the whole world celebrating new beginnings. travesty!

so its an awkward day in general. MUCH LESS having that as your birthday. Needless to say, it feels great to share that lament with someone. So we decided this year, forget birthdays. not even birthweek. we're going for a whole birthMONTH baby! 31 days of pure unadulterated celebration.

So, sus(anna)h, on the first day of december, happy birthMONTH to us!!

for amy .

2010-11-28T18:05:00.000-06:00

dear friends. go here now.
i promise it will be worth it . a million times over .
i have lots i could say about her . and how much i love her .

but it would be raw .
and beautiful .
and full of inside jokes that no one would get .

so here are some words i didn't write . but they're grand . and perfect for today .

Thank you. Thank you, and keep going. Please keep writing songs. Please keep believing in music, because we do, and we need it, and specifically, we need yours. we need the sounds and words and rhythms of hope and longing and beauty. We need the drums and the strings and the haunting twist of your voice. we need the poetry of your lyrics and the spirit and force of your sounds. We're desperate for great music, and there's so much out there, but never enough. We're desperate for great storytellers, great painters, great dancers, great cooks, because art does something nothing else does. Art slips past our brains straight into our bellies. it weaves itself into our thoughts and feelings and the open spaces in our souls, and it allows us to live more and say more and feels more. great eart says the things we wished someone would say out loud, the things we wish we could say out loud.

- shauna niequist : cold tangerines

thank you . stormy one .

a little mumford for your monday

2010-11-28T18:01:00.000-06:00

Mumford & Sons - The Banjolin Song / Awake my soul from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

mumford&sons. in an alley. in paris. in french. be still my heart.

every monday should start like this.

the prettiest city in two states

2010-11-24T16:52:00.000-06:00

Monday afternoon I drove my roommate to the airport so she could fly home for some #famthanx. We were deep in discussion, about something trivial I'm sure, as I drove right by the exit i was supposed to take. It wasn't a big deal, we'd just take the next exit, which happens to be the one I take to get to work. We took a quick jaunt through the northwest corner of downtown, me pointing out my office, Bethany asking what certain buildings were. We were stopped at the intersection of 12th and Broadway, the sun glinting sharply off the high rise windows of the financial district. Bethany squinted as she looked up and took a long pause, "I'm so glad to be right here right now. In downtown. Drinking roasterie coffee, in a roasterie mug. I'm excited to see my family, but I just really love kansas city".

I looked around at the buildings that I drive by every day, generally paying no notice to, and agreed.

Sometimes I lament that I work downtown. In a cube. For The Man. But then sometimes the sun rises just perfectly Serengeti like over the river and literally takes my breath away. Or the clouds spend a day pretending they're mountains, taunting me every time I get up from my desk. Sometimes, working downtown isn't actually that bad. Sometimes, I actually just really love it.

growing .

2010-11-10T06:23:00.000-06:00

parker fitzgerald

i've been thinking about this alot lately. growing.

there are so many times i want to appear as arrived. fully grown. that i've got it all together. i want to look nice and presentable not a care in the world. why yes, i did bake that apple pie, from scratch, while wearing a cocktail dress and heels. this facade generally doesn't last very long. it quickly unravels, ending up a heap on the floor. all the while, i'm left scrambling trying to cover myself.

this revealing. being revealed. its hard stuff. owning the places that i'm broken is even harder. sharing my scars, letting the cool air on them, isn't easy, it's terrifying actually. But it's also deeply healing. my story, as crazy and random and inconsequential as i think it is, really matters. my pain and my broken places matter. not only for me, but for those who I share my life with. my story points to a bigger Story. my hope points to a greater Hope. my pain points to some really awesome Redemption. my playing dress up only points to me.

"There is nothing small or inconsequential about our stories. There is in fact nothing bigger. And when we tell the truth about our lives-the broken parts, the secret parts, the beautiful parts-the Gospel comes to life, an actual story about redemption, instead of abstraction and theory and things you learn in sunday school"

Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

most days it's not so clear where i'm at, or even where i'm headed. what it doesn't require - a whole lot of dressing up. it does require growing.

yeah, it was about like that

2010-10-15T07:07:00.000-05:00

source

Way to take one for the team 'lil bro!

And yes, our basketball season starts tonight as well. You can actually watch it on ESPN.

GO STATE!

diamond earrings

2010-10-08T12:54:00.000-05:00

I'm wearing diamond earrings today. Which isn't necessarily worth noting. Except-I don't like diamonds. Hear that boys? I.don't.like.diamonds. But these earrings were a gift from a dear friend/old roommate natasha. What? Your roommates don't buy you diamond earrings?!?!?

See, I dated a guy for three and a half-ish years in high school/college. I'm sure by Christmas of my freshman year of college I was begging for an engagement ring. Let's be honest. I was probably asking for one well before that. We'd been dating for about 3 years at this point. I mean, totally a respectable time to start asking for such gifts.

I don't remember what I got that year.

And the next year was hard. As it sometimes gets. And we just started going through the motions of dating. And drifting apart. I do remember what I wanted for that Christmas, diamond earrings. I figured I wasn't getting a ring anyway, and if worst came to worst, at least I'd have a pair of diamond earrings.

We celebrated Christmas in combination with my birthday (such is the life of being born a week after Christmas) that year. And he handed me a little wrapped box. "yes! diamond earrings!!!" I thought as I started to unwrap it.

Not diamond earrings. A diamond ring. My heart sank. At this point I knew we probably wouldn't last long and how I felt when I saw the ring confirmed that. Before you label me as a complete jerk and worst.person.ever I did get over my initial feeling, smiled huge and slipped that puppy on my finger. For about 2 months, until we broke up.

I told this story to Natasha one day. And then forgot about it. Until one birthday/Christmas combo she hands me a little box. 5 years after the first little box. I opened it. Diamond earrings.

I don't wear them often. but when I do, the sparkle surprises me. The little glint reminds me that sometimes really good gifts take a little while. And that I do have the absolute BEST friends in the world!!!

don't give up

2010-10-06T16:09:00.000-05:00

Don't Give Up! from Ben Welstead on Vimeo.

These are my friends. ben and renee. they're really stinkin awesome! and really freaking amazing photographers. and really bad ass wiffleball players. they also really, really, really love each other. and others too. they're becoming foster parents. to siblings. so that the siblings don't get separated. they also really love haiti. see, stinkin awesome!

i stumbled across this slide show a few weeks or so ago. confession. i watch it about once a day (at least). i'm not sure what exactly it is? probably the laughter and the joy. and the deep hope that comes with that. maybe the depth of renee's eyes? telling years of stories in just one frame. and the tears. ohmystars, the tears. the tears of years of life lived together. i can't even imagine what that's like but my throat tightens every time.

i don't know a whole lot about marriage. but i love this three and a half minute snapshot of it. the beauty. the realness. that only comes from dancing in the minefields and sailing in the storm...

(photo cred: the parsons)

my most favorite things

2010-09-28T18:46:00.000-05:00

its tuesday evening. a breezy, fall one at that. i'm drinking my first ever iced coffee. the roasterie windows are open. sigh. fall is my favorite. for so many reasons. mainly because i slow down. i open my eyes and realize how blessed i am. this usually leads to me finding a million "new" favorite things. maybe they aren't that new after all? maybe they are, but none the less. i get really excited about them.

. like goat cheese. pretty sure that the way to my heart is through goat cheese.

. and wine.

. her too. glory be. like pirouettes drifting...

. and twinkle lights. best invention ever! especially when they're hung outside.

. over a big table.

amys iphone

. and eating by candlelight when the transformer blows and the twinkle lights go out.

. and getting woken up by little boy whispers. and karate chops. and french phrases.

. running in the coolness, but still warm enough to wear a tank top and get tan.

. baking. and lots of it.

. while wearing a vintage apron. in the last 2 weeks, i've baked 4 apple pies, one batch of pumpkin cookies, and a loaf of banana bread. my house smells heavenly.

. reading. all.day.long.

. this book. amazing. probably my favorite read this year. go buy it immediately!!

. my favorite reading chair (i have a reading chair!!!) that used to belong to a dear friend.

. open windows.

. while its raining.

. my pajama pants. that actually aren't even mine. i don't own any pajama pants. weird. i know. which makes me love them more. a dear friend let me borrow them when i stayed at her house, and i literally run home and change into them. there is just something so great. so perfect about them. so peaceful and restful. i know sometime i'm going to have to give them back. sigh.

but until then... ;)

why not?

2010-09-24T13:25:00.000-05:00

*image found on weheartit

on naming

2010-09-18T19:34:00.000-05:00

This is by far my favorite scene in blood diamond. Where a father speaks to his son. Speaks to his deep heart, the heart that longs to be fully known. He knows his name. He reminds him where he belongs, what he loves, who loves him. All these things that have been stolen from Dia, his father returns.

I was talking to a friend about redeeming stories. How our stories are being rewritten, beautifully redeemed. Where disappointment has been known, encouragement floods in. Beauty for ashes. Blessing for mourning. Praise for despair. It actually reminded me of being children. Going back to that place before life happened. Running through fields. Playing dress up in bedrooms. Precious hearts that trusted fully and hoped unswervingly.

But we grow up. Life happens. Little by little pieces get stolen. We steal from others. We became afraid to hope. Afraid to dream. Afraid to trust. Somewhere, along the way, we forgot who we were. We forget who we are. We forget our names and we assume new ones. The smart one. The beautiful one. The dependable one. The needy one. The one that's not enough. The one that's too much.

We've forgotten our names.

But our Father looks at us. Straight in the eye. And reminds us.

And you will be given a new name by the Lords own mouth. The LORD will hold you in his hand for all to see-a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called "the forsaken city" or "the desolate land" your new name will be "the city of God's delight" and "the bride of God". isaiah 62:2-4

He reminded me today.

. annaelyse .

enter the new country

2010-09-15T13:19:00.000-05:00

"You have an idea of what the new country looks like. Still, you are very much at home, although not truly at peace, in the old country. You know the ways of the old country, its joys and pains, its happy and sad moments. You have spent most of your days there. Even though you know that you have not found there what your heart most desires, you remain quite attached to it. It has become part of your very bones.

Now you have come to realize that you mus leave it and enter the new country, where your Beloved dwells. You know that what helped and guided you in the old country no longer works, but what else do you have to go by? you are being asked to trust that you will find what you need in the new country. That requires the death of what has become so precious to you: influence, success, yes, even affection and praise.

Trust is so hard, since you have nothing to fall back on. Still trust is what is essential. The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable.

It seems that you keep crossing and recrossing the border. For a while you experience real joy in the new country. But then you feel afraid and start longing again for all you left behind, so you go back to the old country. To your dismay, you discover that the old country has lost its charm. Risk a few more steps into the new country, trusting that each time you enter it, you will feel more comfortable and be able to stay longer" -Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

"The LORD your God will soon bring you into the land he swore to give you..."deut 6:10

just how I roll

2010-09-11T15:42:00.000-05:00

Last night one of my friends asked if I wanted to come to Lawrence and go to banff. Always game for an adventure it took me about 3 seconds to decide. HECK yes. But I needed to get a ticket. I call first thing in the morning. They say they're sold out. hmmm. surely not.

So I go over to graham's house and we take off to Lawrence. He's got a ticket. I don't, but I'm just throwing all in, hoping I can find one.

We stop by his friends house. He said last night they announced that both fri and sat were totally, completely, absolutely SOLD OUT.

SUCK.

Determined to not let the lack of ticket ruin my day, I just decide to call friends and see if they want to hang out. I get a hold of my friend Nat who asks why I'm in Lawrence "well, I'm hoping to get tickets to banff, but they're sold out". It just so happens that her roommate works for the bike shop sponsoring the film fest. So Nat shoots a text to Katherine.

Katherine says she'll ask around. She goes into work at 1. Right after she gets there a guy walks up to the register. He has two tickets he doesn't need. And he's wondering if there is any way he can sell them back. She takes them and calls Natalie.

I just bought the last two tickets to a sold out show. because that's how i roll.

neither itsy nor bitsy

2010-09-10T08:12:00.000-05:00

When I was ten my dad took me and my sister (who was 6) to see Arachnophobia at the Post theater. In his defense, taking a 10 and 6 year old to see a PG-13 movie about killer spiders, was probably not his idea. Pretty sure that I had been begging him to go see it. I'm nothing if not persistent. :) Me and the persistent widow, cut from the same cloth. "I won't be too scared dad. Spiders don't scare me. PLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEE!"

Needless to say. I think we lasted about 10 minutes before I was screaming and begging to leave. My six year old sister sat there unfazed (similar to the time a year before when we had to be evacuated from a hotel due to a bomb scare, that she slept right though. I, on the other hand, cried through the rest of the night.)

So we left. My dad still teases me about that day. And I still hate spiders. My seething hate of them has made me a master spider killer.

Yesterday I decided it was finally time to mow the lawn. Another thing I hate, mowing the lawn. I've done it since I was ten (hmmm. ten was apparently a pivotal year in developing a hatred of things). And I just don't like doing it, probably solely on principal of wanting a guy to do yard work, and the fact that I've done it for 18 years. Future husband-let it be known, you will probably be the one mowing the lawn.

The lawn mower is in the basement/garage. Which I found out yesterday, when I went down there, has become a vacation spot for spiders of all kinds. I screamed no less than 5 times as I walked through web after web trying to get to the mower. I make a mental note to call our landlord and have someone come out and exterminate the varmints.

I suck it up. Brave the webs. Hold my breath as the demon cricket spiders jump all around my feet and get the mower out. I mow the lawn (It really wasn't that bad. I still don't love it) and put the mower back up. I run the gauntlet of webs and demon crickets and spiders vacationing and make it back upstairs without screaming. I only thought I was done dealing with spiders for the day.

As I'm crawling into bed around midnight, I look over at my wall and there is a HUGE spider just hanging out. I fly out of bed and grab the nearest thingtokillaspiderwith, a folder I had next to my bed. I was pretty thankful at this point that I hadn't cleaned my room super well, as the spider was blocking the path to my shoes. I grab the folder and try to hit the spider, keeping my cool.

I miss.

Then scream. Loud.

You NEVER want to miss a spider on your first try. Your chances of killing it after that decrease exponentially.

He's startled and starts scurrying down the wall. Now, I'll be damned if I'm going to have a killer spider running around my room. My second attempt was successful, and he was soon flushed down the toilet (I take no chances). That's another thing said future husband will do-kill spiders.

This morning I was telling my cube mate about it, and he assured me it was a wolf spider Nope. Not him. It could have been one of these guys or maybe him? (shudder) Maybe it was just my own personal friendly Charlotte?

Regardless. Landlord has been called. Done and done.

un (planned)

2010-08-13T12:48:00.000-05:00

source

I'm a planner. Which is actually a nice way of saying I really, really like to have control of my life. My friend told me last week to turn off my "N" (intuitive-gotta love Myers Briggs) and be a little more "S" (sensory), living life now, not looking so far out and working my way back. He nailed it. How will this decision I make now look in two weeks, 6 months, 5 years? And if I can't see it, or don't like the way I think it will look, I don't do it.

What I have found though is that the COOLEST things happen when I DON'T plan. When I just go with the flow, to be all cliche. point taken.

So I've decided to let go of the life I've planned...eh...controlled. And to just live. Every.single.moment. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like, but then again, I guess that's the point. :)

be.here.now.

2010-06-25T17:43:00.001-05:00

I was having a conversation with a friend earlier this week and she was encouraging me to practice being more present. I agreed with her wholeheartedly. Not sooner than "yeah, totally" left my lips my brain had taken off on a spiral How am I going to get anything done if I'm just being present? If I don't think about the future, am I just going to look back 10 years from now and realize that I've done nothing? That's one of my biggest fears, I'm not sure how this is going to work???? She saw me up in my head, freaking out, and asked what was going on. I verbalized the dialogue. She looked at me and laughed. "So, you're worrying right now, about how in the future, you'll look back and realize you haven't done anything?" yeah. Its as ridiculous as it sounds.

Elizabeth Gilbert says it this way in her book Eat Pray Love:

Here's what I caught myself thinking about in meditation this morning. I was wondering where I should live once this year of traveling has ended. I don't want to move back to New York just out of reflex. Maybe a new town, instead. Austin is supposed to be nice. And Chicago has all that beautiful architecture. Horrible winters, though. Or maybe I'll live abroad. I've heard good things about Sydney ... If I lived somewhere cheaper than New York, maybe I could afford an extra bedroom and then I could have a special meditation room! That'd be nice, I could paint it gold. Or maybe a rich blue. No, gold. No, blue...

Finally noticing this train of thought, I was aghast. I thought: Here you are in India, in an Ashram in one of the holiest pilgrimage sites on earth. And instead of communing with the divine, you're trying to plan where you'll be meditating a year from now in a home that doesn't yet exist in a city yet to be determined. How about this, you spastic fool-how about you try to meditate right here, right now, right where you actually are?

The Lord says it this way.

"only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength." -isa 30:15

(my friend, Hope, praying on the roof of an ashram we visited while in India)

mates: part one

2010-06-17T11:41:00.000-05:00

June 16, 2010
5:40am. Standing in line with Crystal and Justin for the free Mumford and Sons show at the Firefly. The line stretches down the block and around the corner. Justin wanted to camp out to make sure we'd make it in, Crystal didn't think that would be necessary. We make it in. Barely.

June 17,2010
1:40am. Leaving westport with Crystal after a post show hang with Ben Lovett and Ted Dwane, of Mumford and Sons. Really sweet guys. Really sweet accents.

Hell of a day! ;)

part two to follow. when I get my pictures uploaded. and after I get some sleep.

beautiful things

2010-06-08T11:05:00.000-05:00

The other day (or three months ago) Bethany had just gotten back from Nashville where her friend had shared with her this song. She told me about it, "Its really neat. The lyrics are 'You make beautiful things out of the dust...you make beautiful things out of us' I know it sounds a little cheesy, but its really good!" The next day on the way to a meeting we listened to it in the car. Instant favorite! It was playing pretty much non-stop that first month at our house. Then we moved on to other favorites and different seasons. I'd think about it every now and then, but it was mostly forgotten, stored in between Great Lake Swimmers and Hem.

The other night at the Gathering KB sang a "new" song. The lyrics started, "all this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way ... ". Bethany and I looked at each other and practically squealed! Back in March this was a just a really sweet song. Back in March I doubt if either of us were ready to receive the fullness of it and the reality it calls out. Well, probably Bethany was, I sure wasn't. I sat there during the message writing the lyrics over and over. Willing them into my heart. They have a whole new meaning this side of June.

Three months later. Sunday. A little dusty, a little weary, and worse for wear. In the throes of transition. " ... hope is springing up from this old ground ... " :)

"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone ... the season of singing has come ... Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come with me." Song of Solomon 2:10-13

If I see three oranges, I have to juggle

2010-05-28T11:37:00.000-05:00

"Why do we always want answers to the impossible questions. Why do you love her? Any answer to such a question is usually ridiculous. Because she is beautiful? Because she is intelligent? Because she has a funny pimple on her nose? Nothing makes much sense. Why did you become a priest? Because you love God? Because you like to preach? Because you don't like women? Why did you become a monk? Because you like to pray? Because you like silence? Because you like to bake bread without being bothered? There are no answers to these questions.

When they asked Philippe Petit why he wanted to walk on a slender wire strung between the two tallest towers in NYC, everyone thought he did it for money, for publicity, for fame. but he said, 'If I see three oranges, I have to juggle. And if I see two towers, I have to walk.'

We don't believe the most meaningful answer.

His is the true answer. Why do you love her? When I saw her I loved her. Why are you a priest? Because I must be a priest. Why do you pray? Because when i see God, I must pray. There is an inner must, an inner urge, or inner call that answers all those questions which are beyond explanation. Never does anyone who asks a monk why he became a monk receive a satisfying answer. Nor do children give us an explanation when we ask them why do you play ball?' They know that there is no answer except, 'When I see a ball, I have to play with it.'" The Genesee Diary, Nouwen

I often feel the urge to explain, re-explain and over-explain everything. I MUST be fully understood. There can be no chance for miscommunication. But, I have to wonder, how much that striving to tie things up in a nice (albeit generally messy) package actually looses authenticity. We don't need reasons. We don't need nice, tidy packages. We need those unexplainable, beautiful, meaningful answers!

SUN!

2010-05-18T11:53:00.000-05:00

I grew up in some REALLY sunny, REALLY hot places. Hawaii, Arizona, North Carolina, and Louisiana (I lived in really cold Germany for a few years, but I was too young to remember it. And I'm sure there are pictures of me in cable knit tights and lederhosen floating around somewhere). Needless to say, I liked the sun, and the warmth. It was, for the most part, all I knew.

Then I moved to Kansas. Where I discovered fall and winter. Leaves and snow and rain and gray days. I was so over the sun. All I wanted to do was listen to the rain, run in it, curl up inside with a book, PERFECT. Then my fam moved to Seattle. jackpot for a rainy day lover like myself! All those things. All the time. Well, at least for the 2 week stints I'd visit them in.

This spring has been abnormally gray and chilly and rainy. And while I love, love, love those days-over the last week its started to wear on me. I just want to be outside. In the sun. Without a cardigan on.

Today its 75 degrees. and sunny. going on a run and then laying out at loose park.

be.love(d)

2010-05-10T07:35:00.000-05:00

so be patient and kind.
not jealous.
or boastful or proud or rude.
don't demand until you get what you want.
don't be irritable.
forget wrongs.
fight injustice.
rejoice always.
don't give up.
keep your faith.
be hopeful.
keep running.
be love.

hazel sister

2010-05-07T07:30:00.000-05:00

She graduates today!!!!

She's been done with school since December and working for a while, but decided to walk in the spring. Donna was coming in yesterday, so late Wednesday night we decided it was time to clean our house.

No house cleaning is complete without a little "Party in the USA" and "Paper Planes", I mean, we do it right on Lydia. I was cleaning the kitchen as Bethany walked by, I caught a quick glance of her.

me: "you look older"
bethany: (stops and smiles) "like more mature? grown up?"
me: "yes. its your eyes"

She smiles, and walks back to the bathroom to resume the oh so glamourous task of toilet scrubbing. Not 30 seconds later she screams. The sound one would make if say a very large rat ran across their foot. I freak out and yell to make sure she's ok. Her response is a squeal and comes running around the corner to tell me a story.

For the next few minutes both of us are screaming, giggling and jumping up and down in our kitchen.

more mature? grown up? Yes, its your heart.

LOVE you girl! Proud of you!!!!

muscle memory

2010-04-21T12:25:00.000-05:00

So I was going to quote one of my favorite movie lines in reference to my run yesterday and then realized that I did that, oh 3 years ago.

Anyway. It had been a while since I ran 5 miles outside, Kansas winters generally tie me to a treadmill from november until april (not this year. I'm totally buying ice spikes). Since the weather has been warm for about a month, I've really had no excuse to not be running long runs. (5 miles is no where near a long run. But its longer than 3 miles, which is what I've been hitting lately)

I'll save all my insightful thoughts on my runs for another post, and leave you with the less than insightful ones today.

I live at 51st and Troost. The top of a hill. 63rd and Troost is in the valley. 67th and Troost the top of another hill. 71st, a valley. 75th the top. Running hills SUCKS. Especially with a headwind. Yesterday was some cruel joke when I SWEAR the wind changed direction where I ran up every hill with a headwind. I never caught a break.

After 5 years of serious running I finally perfected the right nostril snot rocket. All you non-runners might find this gross, but seriously, its actually so much less gross than other blowing-on-the-run alternatives. Still working on the left side. The nose ring makes it slightly more difficult.

I LOVE running by Friendship Chinese Restaurant at 65th. The combo of chinese food, exhaust, and the heat rising off the pavement instantly takes me back to China.

I almost caused an accident yesterday. A dude pulled out of the Popeye's lot and onto troost. He craned his head to stare at me (a tall white girl running on troost is somewhat of a spectacle) and missed that the car infront of him had stopped. He braked in time, barely. ha.

I miss being able to run fast, hopefully I get my speed back. sooner than later.

It takes about 4 miles for my legs to remember what they're supposed to do while running. Then at the magical 4 mile mark I find my stride and its beautiful. That's probably the reason I suck at 5k's!

6 months until this baby!

What's your name? Girl, what's your number?

2010-04-16T08:08:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday. I needed to fill up my car (actually my dad's cherry red pickup. hott. I know) so I go to the BP station at Paseo and Cleaver. Its 8:30 in the morning. As I'm getting out of the car this guy (maybe early 20's) hollers at me from the pay phone "hey, you got 50 cents". I tell him I don't think so, but that I'll look. He then says "Where your man at?" and I laugh it off and roll my eyes. I reach into my car to grab my wallet to see if I have the change and he walks up and I let him know that I'm sorry that I don't have any change. He asks again "Wheres your man?" Being that he's right next to me and I can't laugh it off a second time. I reply. "Getting ready for church"* He then walked away. something leads me to believe he wasn't interested in just borrowing 50 cents.

Then yesterday I was near the end of my run (on Troost) and ran by a convenience store. I try to make it a point on my runs to make eye contact and say hi to everyone I cross paths with. Its one little thing that helps me feel present in my neighborhood. Like I'm not just running through, I actually belong here. I'm going to say hi. anyway. There was a man leaning on the pay phone booth outside and I smile at him and say hi as I run by. I have my ipod in and I see him say something, which I assume is "how are you?" So I reply "great, how are you?" then he continues to talk, so I slow down and take out my ear buds and he says "no. I said how OLD are you?" I chuckle and reply "28". He then puts his hand to his ear like a phone and mouths "call me". I laugh and continue my run.

Really? Does this really work for these guys?

"no. I actually don't have a man. would you be my man?" or how about "What number should I call you at? The phone booth number? ok. great talk to you soon." ha!

*I don't have a man. But in that situation I'm not above stretching the truth a little. I know men. and those men were getting ready for church. we were taking my car to church which is why i was at the gas station in the first place.

as of late...

2010-04-08T18:19:00.000-05:00

in the last 24 hours I have

learned what a catalytic converter does and just how much it costs to replace
tripped down the stairs only to be caught by my friend who was holding his 2 year old daughter in his other arm. he was walking up the stairs, I was falling down. and he caught me, while holding his daughter.
been reminded of just how much i freaking LOVE my community, and how much they freaking love me too :)
surrendered to the fact that my car was going to cost A LOT to make it driveable. not totally fixed, but able to get from point a to point b.
been blown away by my coworkers. I got no fewer than 4 numbers of different mechanics that they knew and trusted to fix my car for me.
inherited 2 new brothers. Their names are clay and BRob. They are the two guys I sit with. Its nice to have brothers (i have one legit one. he's the BEST). Who tell you to get second opinions. Who fist pump with you when you think your catcon (yeah. we're on an abreeves basis after today) is covered by warranty. Who hang their head with you when you realize its not. And then affirm that you're just having the worst day ever. i LOVE these guys.
freaked out when the second opinion is A LOT less than A LOT and is actually affordable :)
seen two people legitly being arrested. handcuffed and all. welcome to the neighborhood.
fallen more in love with said neighborhood. there.are.tulips.everywhere
decided that a 5 mile run is just good for my spirit

Its been a long day. Its been a hard day. But its been a beautiful day. Because You make beautiful things out of the dust.

grace and glory

2010-04-06T20:27:00.000-05:00

"oh no" she cried. "You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the high places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised." "no", the Shepard said, "It is not a contradiction, only a postponement for the best to become possible"
"You really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why? It may be months, even years before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepard, do you mean it is an indefinite postponement?"
He bowed his head silently and Much Afraid sank on her knees at his feet almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her hearts desire all together and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back. (Hinds Feet in High places, Hannah Hurnard)
"Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame maybe not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb 12:12-13
My broken limbs are being set and healed in the wilderness. In the flat desert. Its not fun. But its beautiful. Waiting for the best to become possible. And one day the path will turn and I will be brought to the mountain. And I will be able to run.

question

2010-01-24T00:50:00.000-06:00

"What are we going to do about all those babies in haiti?"

I haven't been able to think about anything else...

(sigh)

2009-09-22T08:54:00.000-05:00

Somewhere we know that without silence, words lose their meaning,
that without listening, speaking no longer heals,
that without distance, closeness cannot cure.
- Henri Nouwen

spatially challenged

2009-09-07T12:16:00.001-05:00

The other night a friend made a comment that guys are more spatially adept than girls. Like in memory (I'm assuming the game) and puzzles and directions and maps and stuff. I guess remembering where things are and how they are arranged? I couldn't argue with him. He's super intelligent and the first thing I thought of is how often I run into completely stationary things. Things that NEVER move. Like door frames and tables and bathroom sinks. I had just run into a door frame earlier that day. I literally turned around and ran straight into it with my shoulder.

I didn't think about this too much after that conversation until this morning. When I cut a corner too close in the parking garage and totally scraped the side of my car with a cement pillar-before 6am-on a holiday when no one else has to be at work. Awesome. Really anna? The same pillars you've driven around twice a day for the last 4 years? Those ones that never move? Yup. Needless to say I don't have a drivers side door handle. And a beautiful dent and scrape down the entire length of my really cute, sporty, absolutely perfect tribute. :O(

About that women being less spatially adept, yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

out of the overflow of the heart

2009-09-02T07:47:00.001-05:00

So I sent a friend an email when I got to work this morning (having emails waiting for me when I get to work at 6 am are the best!) . It wasn't super long but I seriously used the word beautiful 6 times! It was the only word that could even come close to describing the 3 things I was trying to tell her about (yes, 6 beautifuls for 3 things. I know, right?!). And yet it is a cheap substitute for what I was really trying to say. I don't even think they make words that full...

maybe I'll even take up yoga?

2009-08-19T09:39:00.000-05:00

When I came home last night my roommate was doing yoga. I walked in and said "I just CAN'T do non-vigorous* exercise". I had just come from the gym. Where I was doing 400m sprints-at 6:58 min miles-for 3 miles. Go big or go home is how I generally operate. And not just in my workouts, its kinda how I live life...

Take the last 24 hours for instance. I was going to Boise (to visit), then not going to Boise, then going to Korea (again to visit), then getting a second job, then not going to Korea, then not getting the second job. Basically I'm back at square one. quick trip huh?

And I wonder why I'm exhausted and have issues sleeping. ha. I tend to get super excited about new things and take off! There are some things that I'm SO confirmed in that they don't need days of thought but then there are the times when I should step back and think. For more than 3 seconds.

Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; haste makes mistakes. Proverbs 19:2

After talking with a friend last night I realized that this super easily excited way of life tends to leave me over committed and on the path to burning out. Surprise, surprise Anna CAN'T do it all! ha. So we're trying something different. Slowing down. Simplicity. Space. Peace. Wisdom. I'll let you know how that goes.

I don't anticipate giving up my speedwork or 7 mile runs any time soon, but maybe real life doesn't need to move that fast...

*I know yoga is a legit (and difficult) workout. I just have never done it, in favor of running my brains out. I mean if you can breathe easy and aren't about to die its not a legit workout right? haha

wo zhi ai ni you are my superstar...part one

2009-08-07T22:25:00.000-05:00

summer '04. 5 years ago (give or take a few weeks) I came back from a summer spent in China. A summer that completely changed my life. A summer where I survived on oatmeal, cold cucumbers, white rice, crackers and sprite. A summer where birthdays were celebrated at KFC and Pizza Hut. Where massive amounts of fruit was consumed. Where it rained almost every stinkin day. Where our first official meal consisted of pig instenstine, spicy tofu, and some other horrible, albiet expensive food. Where lychee reigned surpreme, and "stellar hands" were won. Where truth was shared and tears were cried. Where hopes were born, and shattered. where Christ met us and overwhelmed each of us with HIS dreams for that place.

summer '09. all but 3 of us are meeting up tomorrow for lunch at happy valley. I just finished looking through my old pictures and flipping through my journals. I cannot WAIT to catch up with my team and catch up and tell stories and inside jokes and laugh until we can't breathe. oh man. it's going to be awesome.

the girls at ka la okee

josh becoming one with the chair

I think desi's face explains SO much about this picture. ohhh mizzike (you better believe he was like "let me take a picture with all the ladies")

so the kstate team dressed all crazy for our last dinner in wh. the ohio team didn't quite get that memo...
we might have gotten a few looks when the guys strolled through the hotel lobby dressed as brody and a chinese soccer player. never a dull moment!!!

some things never change

2009-07-22T21:47:00.001-05:00

I randomly picked up my journal from a few summers ago and have been reading through it. its been interesting to see how the same things I struggled believing then, I'm only just now getting a handle on. 2 years later. fantastic.

I laughed SO hard when i came across this, in the middle of a really deep entry from 7/22, ironically...

"we were walking up the stairs and ____ was coming down them. And in true ____ fashion- he just looked amazing"*

I'm sure if I sill had my journals from when I was 13 (yes I've kept one since I was 12) there would be a similar entry. And one from when I was 16, 20 and last week. awesome.

*maintaining at least a shred of my dignity with the omission of his name. ha ha.

filled/emptied

2009-07-17T08:27:00.000-05:00

I used to HATE to be alone. I don't know what it was a fear of, but man, I could only last about 2 hours before I just needed to be near someone (multiple roommates can attest to this-ha). Over the last few years I've been drawn into periods (oh about one night a week) of just wanting to be totally alone, reading, writing, pretty much whatever as long as it involved no one else. Over the last three weeks, that one night a week has turned into at least 4 hours a day. seriously. Its absolutely beautiful! Whats been neat about it is that its been super balanced. Like my alone time has filled me and fueled me in such a way that I'm LOVING the time I get to spend with my friends. That time has been incredible because I think for the first time I'm fully aware of who I am and what I was created for. Living and encouraging and loving (and BEING loved) out of that place is beyond beautiful. sigh. dang.

I look forward to the weekends because that just means MORE hours that I can spend reading/journaling. I've got a wedding tonight (which I'm BEYOND thrilled about) and I was thinking that I'd just hang out all day saturday. Its supposed to be beautiful. And then I remembered that I said I would help out with some family counseling stuff at a horse ranch. all. day. saturday. UGH. everything in me wants to back out. To become busy (which I would be. reading) and just peace out on my commitment. I mean, I love these kids, but that's my whole saturday. When will I get to read then????

The new hillsong united has been on repeat in my ipod for the last three weeks. As I was lamenting this morning on how much I wanted anna time and how fruitful it has been and bummed about what I was going to miss out on by being busy on saturday, the last line The Desert Song hit me.

I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow

alright. I get it.

broken...

2009-07-03T12:39:00.000-05:00

So my totally awesome friend is an absolute incredible writer/poet/a million other things and has been working on this series for a while now. although beautiful to read, until last week it was just poetry expressing her heart. Now I read it and my heart explodes with that EXACT same emotion. Good grief!

The Breaking part IV

There is no in between anymore.
Now is all I have, with faces burned
In memory of there – of where
It is dark.
Faces in the dark.
Sparked, they need fanning
To flame.
But I sit, wait,
An ocean away.

I break:

Sure of one thing.
Light wins.
Unsure of everything

since you put it that way...

2009-06-17T12:54:00.000-05:00

"On a scale of 1 to 7, where 1 means 'not at all satisfied with my life' and 7 means 'completely satisfied,' the people on Forbes magazine's list of the 400 richest Americans average 5.8--the same as the Inuit people in Greenland and the cattle-herding Masai of Kenya, who live in dung huts with no electricity or running water. Calcutta's slum dwellers score only a little lower, at 4.6."

this rocks my social justice-development economist heart!

story of my life

2009-05-14T11:47:00.001-05:00

So at my job I deal with significantly large sums of money daily. Making sure everything ties out, double and triple checking numbers, massive amounts of emailing all to make sure that Luxembourg, India and Kansas City are all on the same page with the same numbers. No sweat right?

We're having a food day tomorrow and decided to order out chipotle. And I got nominated to set everything up. No big. Got everyone signed up, called chipotle and asked when we needed to have our order faxed in for friday they said "thursday by 10". Ok. 24 hours. I've never worked food service before, I have no idea about things like this. this morning I fax over the order and call to confirm that they received it. I call at 10:00 to confirm my order. They got it and said that they couldn't do it by 10:45 but could have it ready by 11. I was confused because they said that there was a line in front of my order (clue #1 are people in kc really that organized that there is a line of chipotle orders 24 hours in advance??). But he assures he'll have it ready by 11. (mistake #1, actually #2 but we'll get there, I didn't make sure he knew it was tomorrow. I had confirmed this 3 times in previous calls, but not the last one).

So I start totalling up the money and dividing it (because that's what i do. play with numbers all day. it's kind of a sickness, I'll admit that). Get that all figured out and go downstairs to get lunch. it's about 11:15. My phone rings.

chipotle "hi someone from there placed an order"
me "yes, i did"
chipotle "its ready for pickup"
me "it was for tomorrow" SUCK!
chipotle "well. you faxed it today"

And thus ensued the confusion over what date was on the fax (mistake #1) and although i called to confirm 3 times, I'm sure I talked to three different people and the message didn't get relayed. End result being, they were "going to have to throw away A LOT of food. this is a HUGE order to throw away".

dang. my bad. We didn't need the food today. We need it tomorrow. And we're still ordering it tomorrow. We might switch chipotle's though and just go to the one in P&L.

i love how i deal with millions upon millions of dollars a day, but when it comes to placing $124 worth of chipotle, i screw that up royally. awesome.

giddy!

2009-05-12T18:18:00.000-05:00

If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY." psalm 94:18-19 new english translation
I read this verse today and every single time I've looked at it I've noticed another favorite part. SO much goodness in 2 small verses. man. HIS loyal love supports me. Its HIS soothing touch that makes me giddy. See i have had this transference problem. i view God in human standards. I base my perception of Him dependent on how others treat me. Its like i have no frame of reference for certain qualities of God because i haven't had positive examples of that in my life. But after reading this verse (which i found on Beth Moore's blog, btw) it totally shifted everything for me. I know its elementary and everyone else probably had this figured out back in middle school, but this just hit home as God loving me through my friends. OF COURSE she would say that, because that's the truth that God wants to speak into my life. OF COURSE he would do that because God wants to heal and redeem me. People love me because God loves me. yup. giddy 16 year old girl-right here! :O)

home

2009-05-06T08:35:00.000-05:00

I've spent my whole life moving. welcome to the world of an army brat! Even when I came back from overseas, I thought I'd stay in one place, and I've lived in 5 different houses in KC in about 3 1/2 years. so I've gotten really used to introductions, and pretty much have a script down for the first couple of weeks of getting to know someone. It's about when we hit year 2 and 3 that it gets a little difficult for me. I've just never had friends for that long, so I don't know what to do when i really become known. Well, actually i just run. Switch it up. Make new friends. rinse and repeat.

I hit that point in November. There really wasn't any one thing that pushed me over the edge, I just did what I always did, what was natural, and pulled myself out of community in search of something new. I figured I'd make new friends, dive into new community and it'd be awesome! I knew it wouldn't come immediately so I gave it some time but something didn't feel right. Friends would ask me how I was doing and I'd respond "fine" but quickly tagged on to that was "it just doesn't feel like home". searching for home.

There's this funny thing about searching for home. You really don't search. You fall into it. Yes, building community takes work, but there is a difference in working at it and trying to force it.

A couple of weeks ago (Easter) I went back (was drawn back, whatever verbage you want to put to it) to my old community. I needed to be around people who knew me, who knew my heart and could speak into it. I was afraid it would be awkward. As I was walking in I literally had the thought "will I know anyone? who will I talk to?" wow. lies from the pit. Here was a community I had poured my heart into for 2 years and I was worried about having people to talk to. It was an incredible night of worship. The worship leader (and my really good friend) opened up the night for continued worship and prayer. He was walking the aisle praying. So I went to walk toward him to have him pray for me. I was still about 15 yards away from him when he saw me. I doubt if I'll ever forget what happened next. A HUGE smile came over his face and he threw his arms open and his head back and laughed, as if to say "of course its you".

In that moment I think I got a glimpse of what the prodigal son felt when he returned. Granted I wasn't out squandering my money and partying it up, but I was away from home. And a spiritual "father" (more like an older brother, but you get the idea) was beside himself to see me. He wasn't angry or hurt or disappointed that I left, there was only love in his eyes and pure joy and excitement that I was back.

I can't even really describe what it feels like to be back in a place where I'm known and where I know people. It's been incredibly reflective and beautiful. I've lived life with these people and have seen them grow into their passions (kb), experience God's faithfulness over and over (jess), be healed emotionally and physically (suze), see dreams come to fruition (waaay to many to list). I know their stories. I knew them when. They know my stories. They knew me when. They know me now.

sigh. dang. Its SO good to be home!

do it!

2009-02-20T08:04:00.000-06:00

have a great weekend!!

becoming

2009-02-09T10:42:00.000-06:00

I heard a song this weekend that could have been written for me, the EXACT moment I was hearing it. If I've ever felt the hand of God on a moment, it was this one. I can't even read the lyrics without tearing up. If you do one thing today, listen to this song. holy crap!

Becoming by April McLean

I know I made you cry
I failed you left and right
And I've been too hard inside to see you hurting
And I guess all I can say
Is that even at my age, I'm still learning

And I know it's hard to believe
But there's been a change in me
And what I could not give you then
I can give you now

I'm becoming
whole
And I'm becoming
healed
And I'm becoming
something beautiful to see
I'm overcoming fear
And I'm overcoming shame
And I'm becoming
so much more than me

That's why I'm here tonight
To try and set things right
And rebuild the bridges I once left burning
I cannot change the past
I cannot change your mind
I guess all I can change is me

So I'm becoming
strong
And I'm becoming
wise
And I'm becoming what you thought you'd never see
I'm overcoming pride
And I'm overcoming blame
And I'm becoming so much more than me

I'm becoming
whole
And I'm becoming
healed
And I'm becoming
something beautiful to see
I'm overcoming fear
And I'm overcoming shame
And I'm becoming
so much more than me

this week

2009-01-30T13:05:00.000-06:00

i have

-slept with a long sleeved t-shirt, dance pants AND knee socks on. if you know me at all, you know how much of a stretch that is. never mind the fact that my room (in the half-finished basement) has been on average a brisk 40 degrees

-gone to bed before 8 pm-and i had to force myself to even stay up that late

-perfected the art of getting ready REALLY quick. granted i've always been quick when it comes to the getting ready in the morning, but we're talking still in bed at 5:30 and sitting at my desk at work by 6:04. i'm pretty amazed myself.

-not washed my hair since sunday morning. i think this might be a record for me. and if i didn't tell you, you'd never know...my hair is just that awesome.

-grown to not love my "california" ring tone as my new alarm clock. i guess it's not the song's fault it wakes me up at 4:40 :(

-laughed harder than i have in i think EVER. i have one stinkin awesome and hilarious roommate

-cried harder than i have in a long time. this came a mere 24 hours after the laughter. life is all about balance i guess

all in all...its been a GREAT week. seriously. life is flipping incredible right now!

not quite what i had planned...

2009-01-13T11:44:00.000-06:00

i need a vacation. not a day off, but a day away. i waste my days off. and by wasting i mean sitting on the sofa watching an embarassing amount of the oc or west wing. i was going to get away to texas (not quite the ocean get-a-way i was hoping for, but warmer than kansas right now), but the $140 speeding ticket i got last night took care of that for me. yup. it's been one of those weeks, and it's only tuesday. awesome.

lessons learned

2009-01-07T08:37:00.000-06:00

A couple of years ago at the training to go overseas our speaker spoke on rights. I don't remember all of it, but I remember the strong implication it gave as to adjusting our attitude and what we believe our rights are. I don't have the right to eat what I want to for breakfast (for some reason breakfast was a big deal to me while over there), I don't have the right to sleep in past the 6am playing of the national anthem right outside my hotel window, I don't have the right to not eat what was put in front of me. All summer (and the next year) I was reminded of what my rights were and it put me in such a beautiful position of gratefulness and humility and grace.

Fast forward 5 years. I was supposed to be transferring departments at work today. I've known about this move and my anticipation had been building for over a month. Yesterday I found out that my move date got pushed back and I wouldn't be able to transfer for another week and a half. I was livid. All the reasons they gave for needing to hang onto me for longer weren't my fault. I felt like I was being punished for things that I had no control over. I wanted everything to be fair, and fair to me meant that I got to move when they told me I would-not two weeks later.
It took me about 5 hours to calm down, and during those 5 hours I was horrible to all of my coworkers.

As I was reading before bed last night I was overcome with the reality of my sin. Somewhere I had bought into the idea that I deserved to move to my new group on my schedule. That it was my right to only do the bare minimum required of me now. That will show them. ugh. It made me sick thinking back on my attitude yesterday.

So today I'm thankful that every morning His mercies are new. That I've been given a whole other day (and 8 more after that) to love and serve and be Christ to those He's surrounded me with.

insert creative title here

2008-12-19T08:40:00.000-06:00

so i wish this post had pictures, because it would make it that much more awesome. but alas, i'm at work, so words will just have to do. And numbers. because lets be honest, by the time i scan my id badge for the 5th time since i entered the parking garage (1.to get into the garage, 2.to get out of the garage stairwell and into tower 1...yes it's called tower one, i work in tower 2. i know weird. 3.to get onto the elevator 4.to get onto my floor after getting off the elevator and 5.we have these card readers at our desks that we insert the card into to sign on to the computers) my brain is geared up for lots and lots of numbers all day. wow. that was a long tangent...

1. one of my roommates leaves today on a relaxing trip with her parents. she's gone for 7 days. 7 whole days. not quite sure how THATS going to work. when you talk to someone for like 2-3 hours a day, and then they're gone for a week...that's a little bit of an adjustment. just sayin.

2. one of my dear friends is getting married tonight. SuPeR excited for her. their story is beautiful!

3. 13 days until my birthday. the big 2-7. im excited!

4. i'm LOVING the song Christmas by Leona Naess. dang. it's good!!!

5. i opened my car door on my forehead today. i'm not sure exactly how this happened, but it's actually happened twice in the last 2 years. needless to say i have a HUGE gouge on my forehead (yup. it was a little disconcerting seeing blood trickle down my forehead when i moved my hair out of the way) and i'm waiting for it to swell up.

so this whole list thing sounded more impressive in my head than it looks written out. we'll blame the blunt force trauma that inflicted on myself this morning. yeah. that's it. are we sure that i need to be managing billions of dollars today? eh. no big deal. :oP

grow old with me

2008-12-05T08:36:00.000-06:00

So i have this fascination with growing old. i don't know where it came from or why exactly. i get REALLY excited when it's almost my birthday (26 days baby!) because i get a year older. :) i'm sure at some point (probably around 29 ha ha) i'll get over this, but right now i kind of can't wait until i'm 60! granted i have this idea that i'll be a regal/quirky diane keaton type when i'm 60, not the crazy cat lady, ya know?

this morning-and every day this week, lets be honest-i went into einstein bro's for my daily blueberry bagel/honey almond schmear addiction (which i need to get over-like yesterday!) and there was a group of about 7 elderly folks sitting around one of their big tables drinking their coffee and eating their bagels. I SO want that. to be retired and sitting around the table with 6 of your closest friends who you've known at least 20 years. friends who've LIVED life with you through marriages, births, deaths, seasons. incredible. it's not about the coffee or the bagels (which i love) but more about knowing and being known deeply as you only can over the course of YEARS.

my longest "lived in the same city, still talk and hang out pretty regularly" friendship just passed the two year mark. yup. it's a learning curve, but hey you have to start somewhere...

i can't wait!

consumed

2008-11-26T12:50:00.001-06:00

You know when you hear something and it just strikes you and that's all you can think about. Or when you see something and that image is BURNED in your mind and although you don't think about it all the time, occasionally it comes back up and it's all you can see.

my mind is consumed. my heart is burning. its the same story that's been in the back of my mind since that one night at starbucks in thailand-almost 4 years ago. and i have little more vision now than i did then. all i know is that i was enjoying my frappuccino on the 3rd story patio balcony of the starbucks on the beach-she was standing on the street below-turning tricks. never mind the "couple" at the table to our left. he was late 40s early 50s, she was maybe 17.

i wonder what their names are? are they still working? are they still alive? how old were they then? 14? 17? which is actually relatively old considering...

needless to say, i'm having a hard time focusing on work today-and i really want to see this movie!

http://www.callandresponse.com/

is this really my life?!?

2008-11-24T12:35:00.000-06:00

so maybe waiting isn't so bad. you know? I'm starting to miss it actually. ha ha. i found out last week that i got a new position at my company that I've wanted (and prayed for, and had friends pray for) for over a year! it was such an awesome feeling knowing all the refining that had taken (and continues to take place) over that time.

I'm generally not the most patient person. if something doesn't happen within about 2 weeks i generally give up and move on. not with this. i really felt that God was moving with my job stuff, but i just didn't know when or how that would work out. there were many times when i wanted to give up and quit and work at starbucks but i just knew that He had something more for me. so i pressed on.

when i found out last week, i was SO proud of myself for being faithful, and not giving up. I'm not sure if God says "i told you so" often but i could feel him saying that over me with a smile.

then i thought of this verse...mal 3:10. it has been INCREDIBLE to really not be able to contain the blessings. i don't even know what to do with myself half the time. i go around wondering if this is my life or if it's a movie. it just seems that over the last week it was the best case scenario every single time. or I'd think of how cool it would be if this happened or that happened and then the most wild possibility would end up happening. my little plans were GREATLY overshadowed by what He's longing to pour out over me.

so after a week of that, I've resigned (ha ha) to the fact that He's just going to blow me away. and I'm PUMPED!! bring it! ;)

"Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." -malachi 3:10b

stillness? waiting? really?!?!

2008-10-31T07:24:00.000-05:00

So i've got this reoccurring image that i don't know where i first saw it, but it comes around every now and then-mainly when i'm trying to make a decision or sort out what's going on around me. I'm in a circular room made out of mirrors. every single surface is reflective (maybe i got this image from a movie, the labyrinth maybe??). there is one door in that room, but you can't tell its a door, it just looks like a mirror. so i furiously go around the room trying to find the door out at some point the room feels like it's spinning so i loose track of which door/mirrors i've tried and which ones i haven't.

when people have asked me how i've been recently this is the first thing that comes to mind. trying to find my way out of the mirrored room. thinking things are doors when they aren't and just getting exhausted and frustrated. i was telling some friends this a couple weeks ago and they both just spoke stillness into me. not the answer i wanted to hear. i wanted to hear, you're almost there. go for it. instead i got wait. sit in the center of that room of mirrors and wait for Him to open the door.

easier and SO much harder all at the same time. so i'm waiting. sigh.

me...right now

2008-10-21T07:16:00.001-05:00

a new post. i know right?! that's just how life has been lately. i can't even begin to discourse the last 5 months. they're pretty much all over the place, and involve moving twice during that time. i actually packed my stuff up 3 times, but that's another story for another day. part of me wishes i could say that my life was starting to calm down for a bit, but then the other part of me is really excited about what *could* be coming. nothing super big, believe me (i am NOT moving-ha ha), just some small things that will hopefully pay some huge dividends in the form of more time and less stress.

anyway. i was thinking about me and trying to label what i've been feeling for i don't know how long and the best i could come up with is "wait" by alexi murdoch. i LOVE alexi murdoch and this song is definitely in my top 10 songs...

Feel I'm on the verge of some greath thruth
Were I'm finally in my place
But I'm thumbling still for proof
And it's cluttering my space
Casting shadows on my face
I know I have a strength to move a hill
I can hardly leave my room
So I'll sit perfecty still
And I'll listen for a tune
When the mind is on the moon

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slit now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me

Cause everywhere I seem to be
I am only passing through
I dream these days about the sea
Always wake up feeling blue
Wishing I could dream of you

So if I stumble
And if I fall
And if I slit now
And loose it all
And if I can't be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me

yeah. waiting. definitely my strong suit. ha ha. stay tuned. :)

good words

2008-05-22T17:51:00.000-05:00

i think i'll actually write some of my own words soon, but this was given to me again this last weekend, almost exactly a year after i first heard it. it's more appropriate now than ever. Thanks michelle!

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, GORGEOUS, talented and fabulous?

actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of God.

your playing small doesn't serve the world.
there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we are all meant to shine, as children do.
we are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us

it's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
as we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

while we're being real...

2008-05-07T11:57:00.000-05:00

i didn't write these words, but its amazing how they parallel my heart.

I’ve realized recently in my own life that part of my struggle to trust God stems from my fear that His plan for my life will be smaller than all that I could ask or imagine. I can dream up some pretty darn fantastic stories for myself, but ultimately I break under the pressure and fail to trust Him because I fear He can’t dream that big. I’m wrong (easier to know in the head than the heart). So I’m still hoping for a beautiful story that would make this whole life journey an unbelievable display of His greatness, not to mention worth the heartache. Some days that comes easier than others

i'm such a groupie

2008-02-27T22:45:00.000-06:00

here are the pics from after the mutemath show.

darren king and i. he's the out of control drummer. i can't even describe it. he just goes to this other place and it's beautiful.

mutemath. paul meany (lead vocals/keys), greg hill (guitar/vocals), roy mitchell-cardenas (bass), darren king (drums)

paul. he's a little out of control too. but dang good at what he does. this pic cracks me up. i don't take photos this close with my good guy friends. much less people i don't really know. but he's famous, so he does what he wants. ha.

so yeah. fun times. we're now bff and all. ha.

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

2008-02-27T13:13:00.000-06:00

Sometimes on no sleep i do rediculous things. like run 8 miles with a windchill of about -5 degrees with just spandex and a dry-wick shirt. or leave my camera at a habitat for humanity warehouse...

didn't realize my camera was gone until i wanted to use it to take pictures of mutemath at the matchbox twenty show. at the time i didn't so much care. there weren't any super important pics on there and i was getting ready to meet mutemath. nothing was getting me down.

i just got back from habitat and my camera is gone (i def didn't expect it to be there). SUCK. reality check. congratulations anna, you are getting a new camera. the part that makes me the most frustrated is that i had just convinced myself that i could afford an iphone with my bonus from work and my tax rebate. so now that money is going to a new camera. ugh.

*wendy let me use her camera to get pics of me and mutemath. i'll post them when she uploads them

a woman with a plan

2008-02-08T12:56:00.000-06:00

I love a good plan. Those who have ever had to do anything with me know this. I'm not quite sure why I like them so much. I was asked the other day if I EVER fly by the seat of my pants and I laughed, yeah, I think I did it once, but I'm pretty sure I was planning on being spontanious at the time.

So tomorrow morning, I'm planning on curling up with my favorite down blanket, some hot water (it's kind of a long story), and a book or two. I say two, well, because I'm currently reading about 5 and it would be nice to get that number down a little before I add to it. Half-way through 5 books. Now this is EXACTLY why I have to plan a morning to relax and read.

oh. I also am going to try to bake something from my amazing Martha Stewart Cookbook that ted and kelli got me for Christmas.

so. excited.

do this in rememberance of me

2008-02-06T14:31:00.000-06:00

Growing up Catholic you pretty much have the Mass memorized by the time you're 12. There are minor differences, but for the most part, the prayers, rituals and responses stay pretty intact. Year after year it is always the same. "Do this in rememberance of me". Said by the priest after he has blessed the bread and wine. Quoting Jesus at the last supper, after he to had blessed the bread and wine.

Today is Ash Wednesday. I might still get a call from my mom asking me if I've been to church yet. I remember getting out of school to go to church (and in Lousiana, because of the high percentage of Catholic kids, I think it was like a legit half day or something) and then "accidently" wiping my forehead so I wouldn't get made fun of when i went back to school. In the car ride back to school we were always asked what we had decided to give up that year. I liked to say chocolate-which was quickly vetoed...being that I HATE chocolate and never eat it. We were supposed to come up with something we REALLY liked and would miss, a sacrifice. Like Jesus had sacrificed. I can't for the life of me tell you one thing i have given up in the past.

A friend and I were talking about it last night. She was REALLY enjoying her diet coke (even toasting on every sip. let me tell you-you all WISH you could have been there to see that) becaus it was going to be the last one she drank until easter. During this exchange I realized that i hadn't decided on anything yet. Not that you have to give up something, but I'm just at a place right now, where I don't want to wake up one sunday and realize that it's easter. I need lent right now.

So here is what I've come up with. I too am giving up soda. Not that I drink it a lot, but I LOVE it. And I'm one of those people who will do anything to get what I really LOVE and obsess about it. (read-lack of self control and expert rationalization skills). So the soda is about just not getting something that I want and learning discipline in that. I'm also giving up TV/movies and The OC. I know, The OC gets its own catagory. You have no idea how obsessed I am about it. I don't watch a whole lot of tv at all. But I do watch it when I could be doing other things. and that's what i'm trying to do here. Just create some time and space in my life to write my food for the hungry kid, or paint, or read one of the 50 books that I've bought but have yet to read. (I am allowing myself one movie a week, mainly for social purposes, but also because well...I'd rather watch a movie than take a nap, and I think I might be taking lots of naps in the near future)

I'll definitely keep ya'll updated on how it's going. My hope is that during this time I am able to focus more on Christ and spend some intentional time listening to Him. Do this in rememberance of me...

i made HER smile!

2008-01-19T01:22:00.000-06:00

so. interesting fact about anna #482 i LOVE to read random (and sometimes not so random) peoples blogs. i'm following a woman as she raises her quad babies in texas, oh about 50 families who are adopting babies from other countries, a stay at home blogging professional mom to two adorable dogs and a sweet little girl, the list could go on. anyway it's become a new obsession of mine.

one of the blogs that i've started to read and LOVE is beth moore's living proof ministries blog. I'm a HUGE fan of beth and have done a ton of her studies, read a few of her books and heard her talk once. (sidenote-if i look half way as good as she does when i'm 50, i'll be SO excited) so on her blog this week she asked those who were reading to leave a comment about who we were, where we were from, what church we went to and our favorite truth right now. so i'm starting to leave my comment and i get to the church denomination part and i'm a little stumped. i don't really know exactly what heartland classifies themselves as, and i honestly don't know much about different denominations, so i put "emergent-ish". because i'm not sure we're 100% emergent, or even 1%, but it seemed like the closest thing in my mind. and really, if you know me, you know that i stick "ish" on the end of EVERYTHING so it just seemed natural at this point.

so today i'm looking at her blog and she posted all the stats, and i get to the church section and there is my "emergent-ish" with a parenthesis (made me smile).

SO FUN! i made beth moore smile. over 1500 comments and mine made her smile. anyway. that's exciting to me.

wanderlust

2008-01-16T08:53:00.001-06:00

Wanderlust. An old German word, when translated from the original German means far and ache. What a description of my heart right now. Aching for far places.

It's been about a year and a half since I've been out of the country. A year and a half since I've been a place I've never been before (although, officially i had never been to Savannah). And I've got that ache. That longing to pack my bag and head out, sitting in coffee shops for hours reading. You know, the kind with book exchanges, because really when you're hiking through south west china, do you really want to carry around more than one book? Eating fresh pineapple for breakfast in an open air restaurant, with nothing on the agenda but the beach, which oh by the way is just a block away.

These blogs are definitely NOT curbing my desire to travel...

friends of a friend. i see their pictures and I'm actually back there. every day i have to fight the urge to buy a plane ticket

never really thought about going to Vietnam until i stumbled across their blog a couple of weeks ago. it also makes me want to adopt a little Vietnamese boy REAL bad too!

And my good friend/old roommate is spending the next month-ish travelling all over the pacific rim area. don't worry I'm not jealous. not at all. ha.

kingdom of light shine on us now

2007-12-24T19:42:00.000-06:00

i have a friend. i would tell you her name but if the wrong people read it, then she'd probably get questioned. i would put up a picture of her, but that'd have the same result. so i'll tell you her story. When i met her she was a soph (maybe) in college studying english. we met at the school cafeteria and had dumpling soup, because i told her i really liked dumplings (not so much in soup i learned). She had just accepted Jesus a week ago (on christmas eve) and was SO excited. We agreed to meet at least once a week to study The Book and just hang out. She quickly became my best chinese friend.

Sometimes we'd meet upstairs in a coffee shop to study, other times at McDonalds (one of the few places with heat and air conditioning). Every single time we'd get together, she'd rattle off a handful of her friends names who she had told about Jesus and who now wanted to study about Him with her. literally this girl was on fire, making the most of every opportunity to tell of the Joy that was in her.

one of the most exciting days when i got to "dunk" (baptize) her in one of the large rivers that ran though our city. I'm not sure what she was more anxious about, the obedience of this step, or the fact that her head had never been under water before. The second most exciting day was two weeks before i left to come back home.

we'd been meeting now for about 8 months and she was like my sister. My name was no longer anna but nana (a serious sign of endearment, taking the second syllable of your name and repeating it. only your BEST friend calls you this). we gathered the 20 or so students we had been meeting with all year and walked 5 flights up a dark stairwell to one of the students apartments. no air conditioning, 115 degrees, 20 chinese students and 3 americans. all in this living room. singing and praying and telling the stories of how they came to know Jesus. Their chinese was too good, and mine was not so much, so i only caught every 3rd word. and my name. how humbling it was to hear my name woven into their stories. i was sitting in the middle of a chinese house church.

two weeks later i left-and sobbed all the way to beijing. We kept in touch. sending presents and cards and photos and emails. every time i'd see the characters for her name in my inbox, my heart raced. i wondered what my friend had to say.

i got this email tonight. it broke me-and reminded me of how much i HATE satan and the light he tries to extinguish.

Hi,anna!
It is Christmas Eve here and I am thinking about you. My life used to be bright when i was meeting the other group members regularly and contact you often. You were my sunshine. I was happy then and I felt I was loved by the Brothers and Sisters and all my friends,especially by you. I shoud have kept following Him faithfully.But my faith toward him became weak since i met the chicago guy. I spent a lot of time sending emails to him and chatting with him on msn. I thought he and I would love each other and we would be happy together .So we met in **** this winter ,but unfortunately, he didn't love me . He just said" I like you " .It really made me upset. I should have listened to you and waited patiently for the one. Since I haven't gone to the church for several months, I could barely feel His guidance . I got a little lost.
How have you been ? I often thought about you when I was lying in bed quietly and thinking about those days that you were in **** .It was happiest days I've ever had. We hang out with each other and sang songs for Him together and studied together. I was so joyful and had a thankful heart for Him and for everything i had got then. I want to browse your blog often in order to know how you are doing, but i can't be able to browse it,because many western websites can't be browsed in China .Chinese government doesn't allow Chinese people to visit western website.
I am so sorry for not being so cheerful on this cheerful day. But I really wish you a white Christmas. And I miss you a lot a lot."

"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine" Isa 9:2

I'm praying in her land of great darkness, on the night she first met Him, a light will shine.

wishing and hoping (and waiting)

2007-12-02T22:11:00.000-06:00

so Henri Nouwen is pretty much THE MAN.
[from Watch for the Light, a collection of readings on Advent]

"Waiting is open ended. Open-ended waiting is hard for us because we tend to wait for something very concrete, for something that we wish to have. Much of our waiting is filled with wishes. We are full of wishes, and our waiting easliy gets entangled in those wishes. For this reason a lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future. We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are dissapointed and can even slip into despair. That is why we have such a hard time waiting: we want to do the things that will make the desired events take place.

But Zechariah, Elizabeth and mary were not filled with wishes. They were filled with hope. Hope is something very different. Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises adn not just according to our wishes. Therefore, hope is always open-ended.

i have found very important in my own life to let go of my wishes and start hoping. it was only when i was willing to let go of wishes that something really new, something beyond my own expectations could happen to me. Just imagine what mary was actually saying in the words 'i am the handmaid of the Lord...let what you have said be done to me" (luke 1:38). She was saying "i don't know what this means, but i trust that good things will happen.'"

and then Jesus was born. Holy heck. amazing!

an old friend

2007-11-19T22:47:00.000-06:00

"you don't stand in front of a mirror before a run wondering what the road will think of your outfit. you don't have to listen to its jokes and pretend they're funny in order to run on it. it would not be easier to run if you dressed sexier. the road doesn't notice if you're not wearing lipstick. does not care how old you are. you do not feel uncomfortable because you make more money than the road. and you can call on the road whenever you feel like it. whether it's been a day...or even a couple of hours since your last date. the only thing that the road cares about, is that you pay it a visit once in a while" -nike ad in What Women Want.

i went running on lamar today for the first time in a month. after the race, i joined the gym at work so i had just been running there. but i had today off and with nothing to do at 8 o'clock this morning decided to put on my shoes and head out. i had forgotten how much i love running up and down lamar. how well i knew it, and how well it knew me. hitting 4:30 at 71st street, during the rock out section of Heaven Hear Us. 8:30ish at 75th street. not quite realizing that my pace was that fast. my legs just went into muscle memory. knowing exactly where the hills were, and how hard they'd have to push in order to stay on pace. if i could just make it to the bear house (a house wtih a bear figurine in the front yard made out of a tree trunk, sits at the top of a hill before 69th) then i know it'd be flat until home. i turned on 68th and didn't even realize that i was on my street until i ran past my neighbors house.

i got home and felt like i could have run for miles. people often have different experiences when they run. for some it's a form of meditation almost. i had never experienced that, always being super aware of my surroundings and what was going on, that i was never "tuned out". until today. it was perfect.

for probably the first time ever i stopped "thinking". my mind went somewhere else and i let it go. and i was richly rewarded. i didn't have to fake my excitement in running through ankle deep leaves. i didn't have to rationalize why i needed to breathe and walk until the 3rd tree after 71st. thr road just knew. like an old friend would know. and it smiled and drew me deeper into it's comfort.

light

2007-11-07T21:50:00.000-06:00

So the last 20 minutes of work today was amazing. mainly because i didn't really have much to do (some would argue that i never have anything to do) and just stared out the window at the sunset. it was definitely one of those Lisa Frank sunsets where the sky is 15 different colors and looks like a nebula. i would glance away for a second and the sky would change like a kaleidoscope. Nothing like having a west facing window 5 stories up in downtown kc. so beautiful.

by the time i had left work, the sun had fully set. so i drove home in the dark. i LOVE when it starts to get dark at 5:30. there is just something so serene about driving home in the early evening and being able to see the stars. or lights. Everything seems simpler, more clear in the darkness. you can actually see the light.

I drove down the highway, the kc skyline on my left, the buildings freckled with office lights still on. ruby and diamond strings of head and tail lights stretched out in front of me while Amos Lee's soulful voice carried my cares away. it was one of those moments where the world just is. life might be heavy or light, confusing or understood, chaotic or peaceful, but in that moment, life just IS.

And you can sit at work irritated that its 5:30 and you're still there, or you can look out the window and wonder in awe at how creative and beautiful our God is. You can sit in traffic and be bitter, or you can see jewels sprinkled everywhere you look, and a hear a soundtrack that couldn't be more perfect if someone had spent years planning it. And though the darkness has it's arms around you, you can't stop staring at the light. funny how that happens...

the race part dos

2007-10-24T21:47:00.000-05:00

so i'm not limping anymore. which is a good thing-i think. As much as i liked the "reminder" i actually like not being in pain a little better. hmm. i hope that i don't need the limp to remember this...

Over the last oh i don't know how long i've had issues grasping the fact that i'm loved. broken friendships and relationships, shattered trust, gossip; they all contributed to the lie that no one really loved me, i was just merely tolerated. The way i responded to every situation reflected that idea about myself. I spent more time rationalizing why people were doing what they were doing and trying to convince them that they really didn't want to hang out with me, then i did actually enjoying whatever we were doing. This definetely carried over to my view of God. I didn't see Him as a lover, someone who i could love and who loved me.

One weekend near the end of this summer i had a HUGE breakthrough of truth and finally accepted the fact that I was loved by God and could love him with my whole heart (it's a really beautiful story, but that's another post, for another time). For about 2 weeks i was solid. i couldn't stop smiling-i was seeing everything through the lense of a beloved daughter. it was amazing. Then over time that weaned. the lies started seeping back into my mind and heart and it was a battle to not let them take over. I don't know if i've ever faught so hard in my life as i did in those moments. thankfully this time around i had a firm grip on the truth and was never fully consumed, as i had been in the past.

when i started telling people about my race, i did it more out of excitement and anticipation then anything else. So when my friends told me they were coming to watch me-i blew it off. 7 am on a saturday. standing outside for 2 hours just to watch me run by. yeah right. who does that? but friday night they remind me that they're coming. maybe they weren't just saying it to be nice.

i start off the race anxious. one of my biggest fears being that i don't know where they will be and i'm embarassingly afraid of needing a walk break right where they are and end up walking by them. lame i know. so i'm running and half scanning the crowd looking for people, consenting to the fact that there is probably no way that i'll be able to see them anyhow, and i just need to forget it.

running through the plaza, i look up and there is joey and ryan. HUGE smiles and waves. my heart catches, nothing about being at the race was convinent for either of them. a mile or so later i come around a corner and there is crystal and her dog gunner. She's jumping up and down running alongside me, yelling encouragment for me. at this point i tear up. really? all that excitement and looking foolish just to encourage me? i get to the finish and there at the end of the chute is wendy bell and two of our young life girls. i'm so excited that they're there i forget to keep moving, which wendy promptly reminds me. so we go to the finish where they boys are standing and just talk. and hug. lots of hugs. i really love hugs. ali tells me i made her cry when i crossed the finish. everyone's proud of me. i try to play it off, it's no big deal, blah blah. but inside i'm praising Jesus for each one of them. They are my blessing. Their love is my blessing. When mile 10 hit and i could barely walk and with every painful step was begging God to show me what he wanted me to remember this phrase is what i got:

you are loved.

henri nouwen says it so beautifully....
"That love that came to you in particular, concrete human friendships and that awakened your dormant desire to be completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic. It does not have to be denied as dangerous and idolatrous. A love that comes to you through human beings is true, God-given love and needs to be celebrated as such... when you try to die to that love in order to find God's love, you are doing something God does not want. The task is not to die to life-giving relationships but ot realize that the love you received in them is part of a greater love...You can and must hold on to the truth of the love you were given and recongize that same love in others who see your goodness and love you"

i am loved.

the race part one...

2007-10-21T16:01:00.000-05:00

i finished the race. I say that only because that is the first question everyone asks me. "did you finish?" in my mind it sounds rediculous but knowing what was going on with my muscles last week, maybe it's not so absurd. When i was talking to a friend last sunday faced with the very real possiblity that i wouldn't be well enough to actually race i made the observation that it might not be about 13.1 miles one october afternoon. Maybe it was about the three months of training leading up to it, maybe it was about coming so close and not running it. I just wanted to be open to what ever purpose God had in it. I forgot that i had even said that until this moment. or maybe it was about the last 3 miles.

"So jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. when the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the soket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "i will not let you go unless you bless me" Genesis 32:24-26

Last week i had a dream and part of it i was fighting with a older man (i thought it was someone's dad). i don't remember much but that it was like hand to hand and i was defending myself. if i didn't fight him, he was going to kill me. I had this dream two nights in a row. After the second night, i emailed my friend (who i always email my crazy dreams to) and she just responded how it reminded her of the story of Jacob wresting with God. interesting.

So saturday i'm cruising along. the weather could not be better. i made a new friend at the start, anne who was amazing! She even waited for me while i had to stop and pee at mile 3. Anyway no problems through mile 4. At the second drink stop i grapped gatoraide and the cup was so full i managed to spill it all over myself. red gatoraide. all over my face, my shirt and my leg. nice. Then i was having problems breathing (stupid activity induced asthma) so i told ann to go ahead and i'd catch up with her later (i never did). The course was beautiful and after the first two hills, relatively flat or downhill. At mile 8 i ate/gagged on my gu. nasty, but it helped keep my energy up. I had put a lot of random songs on my ipod and they seemed to fit perfectly along with my run. like i felt like i was in a movie that had been masterfully sountracked.

mile 10. i had never run further than 10 miles during traning. i was kind of dreading this point. you know. make it or break it time. so i cross the mile 10 marker, look down at my watch and i'm only 2 min off my pace (stupid potty break-never drinking that much before a race again). came to my rescue is on my ipod and at that moment it breaks into "my life be lifted high, my world be lifted high, my love be lifted high". it was such a beautiful moment. my eyes filled up with tears. i ran worshipping Him. Then i stepped and sharp pain shot through my right leg. left. right. pain. so i slowed to a walk. still pain. right on my hip socket.

i put pressure where it hurt and started to run again. Pleading with God to stop the pain. wondering if you needed someone else to lay hands on me for the spirit to heal me or if just my hands and prayers worked. i tried it anyway. swearing if i saw anyone i knew i'd stop and have them pray for me. the pain subsided a little. i continued to run. Then the pain came back. i walked a little more. At this point frustrated with the whole situation i started to get angry. Then i remember what susannah said about Jacob. it was his right hip. i put pressure back on the socket and started to run again. trying to remember the story. Why had God hurt his hip? what was the purpose? eyes welling up again. Ok God, what are you getting at?

The pain came and went for the last 3 miles. sometimes i was able to run for a good 4 min before having to walk. Then there were times where every step i took made me wince, clench my teeth and groan. suck. I managed to run out the last bit and finished in 2:16. i wish it could have been faster, but considering that i'm still limping 2:16 is probs a dang good time.

Jacob's hip was touched and dislocated so that he limped for the rest of his life. every step he took reminded him of the blessing that God had given him. he was never to forget.

i think i've figured out what i'm not supposed to forget...

it sounded like a good idea at the time

2007-10-18T22:29:00.000-05:00

Three-ish months ago i decided that I'd run the kc half marathon. I had my hal higdon training schedule and was ready to go. A month into training i'm running one saturday morning and step on a pretty thick rusty wire. Don't ask me how the wire managed to not bend when i ran on it or how i didn't see it. all i know is that i stepped on it, it went through my running shoes and stuck in my foot. i could barely get a grip on it to pull it out. but i did-and continued to run the rest of my 4 miles. Thanks to julie and a perscription of cipro-i survived.

Three weeks after that i'm running at 5:30-in the dark and trip over the most ridiculous patch job of sidewalk i've ever seen. i meant to take a picture and post it but i forgot. we're talking the tar with rocks mixture randomly splattered over 6 feet of sidewalk. and i bit it bad. For better or worse, there was no sliding, just all my weight on my knees and left hand. The gouge on my left palm finally healed a couple of weeks ago.

Then on my last long run before the race, i'm a half mile from home and my whole body cramps. and i NEVER cramp. it started in my calves, which i thought was odd, then spread to my hamstrings and lower back. At this point i slowed my pace and considered walking the last bit. Up my back and around my neck and shoulders. When my forearm started cramping, i gave up and walked. Which is kind of an overstatement. For 17 hours i couldn't stand up straight or move faster than a shuffle. it was horrible.

on sunday, feeling totally selfish and awkward, i asked my friends to pray for me. I didn't know what was going on with my body, but it definately wasn't fun. They prayed what i so desperately needed-rest, and peace, and strength that was not my own. I took the day off on monday to do just that-rest. it was good though i could have used 15 mondays between then and now. What is awesome is the number of people who "just happened to think" of me that day. I felt so covered by and washed over in His grace.

a day and a half out. i think i've felt every emotion under the sun in the last 2 days. Mostly fear. What if i start out too fast? What if my knee gives out? What if i can't get my shoes tied comfortably? (I've been having issues with this lately) what if the hills are too much or there's no wind or 80 year old grandmas pass me? I know. all irrational, but my mind is flooded with them. That and trying to remember everything i've ever heard about racing. alternate between gatoraide and water, eat 2 hours before race time, don't forget your inhaler (dang it-i'm sure i'll forget it. i have all week).

But there have also been moments of feeling like a total b.a. i've trained for this, i know i can do it. I'm totally shooting for a sub 2 hour race. i love the pain and the burn. i do.

Thanks to those of you who kept me accountable-some days knowing you'd ask how my run was was the only reason i ran. To those who saw me trudging up lamar and honked and waved. To those who endured my incessent complaining about my wifebeaters making me chafe. To those who made fun of the fact that i tripped on almost every run i went on. And to those who know this is a big deal, even when i try to play it cool and pretend it's not. You guys are awesome.

13 weeks of training coming down to 2 hours of racing. Here goes nothing...

worst. feeling. ever.

2007-10-10T23:18:00.000-05:00

so i have this thing with words. i LOVE them. speaking them. reading them. writing them. I take pride in my ability to love people with them and i hate the fact that they can cut so deep sometimes. Words are my crutch. when life gets confusing or hard, i process. rehashing every inarticulate detail to my friends/roommates/anyone who casually asks how i'm doing. if no one is there i journal. pages upon pages upon pages of questioning and pleading and praising. and usually by the end of it, all is well with the world again. funny how that works out...

i've never really had a problem with words, or a lack of them. i was the kid whose desk was pushed up against the chalkboard because if anyone was in 5 feet of me, i'd find something to say to them. even one the first day, in my first class in college i got asked to stay after because i sat in the front row and talked through the entire lecture.

but for some reason the last 3 days i've been at a loss of words. i feel like everything i want to say is caught in my throat. i try to swallow but it does no good, i try to speak and they just won't move. all my words are just sitting there, causing a dull ache. man it sucks. i feel like there is so much to say right now, so much to write but its just not coming out. I wonder if this is anything like Zechariah felt when Gabriel silenced him? I wonder if he had a lot to say during that time that just had to sit in his throat? I can only hope that when the lump is finally gone, i'm like Zechariah and the first thing that i utter is praise!

roots

2007-09-26T15:46:00.000-05:00

It's been 2 years and one week since i have been back from china. I was talking to a friend on sunday and i realized that i had missed my two year statestide anniversary. it seemed appropriate though, being that for the first time really since then, china doesn't define me. Oh, believe me, i have more china stories to tell then time to tell them, and still really love my zhong guo peng yous, but that's just not where God has me right now. For the first time i'm not looking to where i'm headed next. I'm here. I'm home. And it feels awesome.

Put down and cultivate roots. There is no fruit without roots. Roots give us strength. They bring stability when the wind blows. Roots mean we belong. A rootless person is a person who floats through life, never having stayed long enough or committed deep enough to really give himself or herself to a place or a people. Roots give us depth. In times of drought people with roots will survive, even thrive, while others dry up. There are seasons in everyone’s life of dryness. But a person with deep roots draws from the water that flows far beneath the surface. There are different kinds of roots: emotional roots, relational roots, cultural roots, and spiritual roots. Love the place God puts you. Love the people God joins you with. Invest your life in a small community of people where you are known, held accountable, and are loved.-Floyd McClung

i was a running

2007-09-24T15:36:00.000-05:00

it makes me laugh that i get up earlier on saturday mornings to run than i do during the week to go to work. But there is just something about the stillness of 5am on a saturday morning. If i could get my whole run in while it was still dark, turning the corner to my house, running into the sunrise, that would be perfect, but alas, that would be a 4am start time-and it's not quite that worth it.

i love how my mind wanders during these runs. usually when i start out, i can clearly see orion on my left and i wonder how in the heck people used to navigte by the stars. or how you can definately tell the yards that don't clean up after their dogs. it's like all my senses are heightened. except of course my sight. a wire stuck in my foot and biting it bad on some shoddy sidewalk repairs would testify that i don't pay attention to what's right in front of me.

anyway. i digress. a couple of weeks ago some friends (who are also training for the half marathon) and i were talking about how fast their paces were compaired to my not as fast pace. one of them made a comment to the effect of in sports and stuff...when it gets hard, guys push harder, and girls give up. we bantered around for a bit discussing the valdity of that statement (case in point of that being totally false, anna chambers!) and it just struck me how easily i give up when stuff gets hard. like the uphill mile stretch between 95th-87th on lamar. on saturday i was determined to make it up the whole thing without giving up when it got hard. knowing how easily i talk myself into just walking from here to the next driveway, i literally had to tell myself that "not today. we're not going to give up today".

whats true in the way that i run, has been soo true in my life recently, especially with friendships. When things get hard, it is SO much easier for me to just walk away. to give up. to not fight. because it's ok, and i'm ok, and i'll survive without them, so lets just deal with it and move on. and it sucks for a little bit, but then i'm ok and on to the next thing/person/whatever.

i talked to one of my best friends last night after not having a legit conversation in over a month. we've both been SUPER busy and just not able to connect. in my head i had rationalized that our friendship had just evolved to the "hey how's it going? good. good. see ya later" and was ok with that. But just in filling her in on my life and being challenged by her and honestly just being in her presence was soo refreshing to my spirit. I had forgotten how well she knew me and my heart. how i didn't have to explain why i am the way i am, she just knew.

i had almost given up. but this time i couldn't walk away. i couldn't just deal with it. my spirit knew what i needed and it ran toward that.

beautiful chaos

2007-09-11T22:46:00.000-05:00

holding my breath. at the sound of your voice my heart beats faster. beautiful chaos. The world spinning but my gaze fixed upon you.

stillness.

reaching out-taking my hand steadying me. drawing me in close-righting my world. Your embrace answers all the questions, quiets all the fears.

i breathe again. drawing in a sweet breath. You exhale. speak. giving life-inhale.

the smell of you etched in my mind. The words you speak etched on my heart. i draw in close to hold onto this moment. to not forget anything-the smells-the sounds-the feeling.

you sense my fear and remind me "do not be afraid-I will never leave you"

relentless

2007-08-16T11:55:00.000-05:00

"Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it."

Song of Solomon 8:6-7

i love that His love is relentless! and i love that i'm finally beginning to understand that!

i am loved...

2007-08-09T10:53:00.000-05:00

so yesterday i was at work, texting a friend back and forth. i asked him how he was doing and he responded that he was blown away by God's amazing knowledge. i thought about that for a bit and responded how I feel God's amazing knowledge of my heart and desires, but have a hard time remembering how well he knows what loves me after the moment passes and life gets more complicated. His reply, "write it down...do whatever it takes! What he is doing should never be forgotten". it seems elementary, and slightly foolish but i figured it was worth a try. some are pretty random, so be fair warned. for your enjoyment (and my remembering), here is some of my list...

*getting hit on though a post-it note left on my car
*falling asleep to the sound of rain (it's my favorite, second to waking up to the sound of rain-ps i really love rain)
*frozen pizza, diet coke, and nerds for dinner EVERY night for the last month (and probably the next coming few as well)
*the fact that my friends only tease me a little about my eating habits
*getting a free pair of oakleys right before running on one of the hottest days of the summer so far
*roommates who listen to me talk about the same things incessantly (and still love me)
*chats that last until 2 am (it wouldn't have been that late if i wouldn't have said the same things over and over-see above)
*physical touch
*encouragement from friends exactly when i need it (that whole perfect timing thing)
*wearing a man's white v neck undershirt to my corporate job today (i am slightly rebellious at times-what can i say)
*being able to see my tattoo through said shirt. it made me smile when i noticed it. :)
*playing volleyball with some pretty stinkin awesome friends every week!
*compliments (even though i'm still learning how to really receive them, they do bless me!)
*early morning texts and emails at work (seriously, want to make my day, this is a surefire way to do it!)

so yeah. that's a random smattering of how I am loved. When i stopped and thought about it, i too was blown away at how well the God of the Universe knows my heart and exactly what makes me feel loved. As i've focused on that, the things of the world have seemed strangely dim. thanks friend!

does this mean I'm an adult?

2007-08-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

I'll be the first to admit that although i work in the financial industry and am dealing with the stock market every minute of my day, I know virtually NOTHING worth anything about it. Buy low, sell high is about all I got. It used to not be a huge deal. My coworkers were mostly women in their mid-30's who were more worried about their kids homework than how much their stock tanked that day. so I could evade my whole lack of stock market knowledge, and just talk about their kids. My plan to hide my ignorance was working. That lasted until 2 days ago.

About a month ago I got a promotion, and last week I started my new position in a new group. My new group consists of me, a spunky grandma, and 4 guys from 22-35(we'll post more on the boys another day). Liz (the grandma) used to be a for real trader for some big company in nyc before coming to where we work now, and the other guys, well, they are pretty heavily invested and watch the market like hawks. I think I used all my market knowledge within the first 5 min of our first conversation. They were being sympathetic with my apathy until they found out I hadn't started my 401k.

You would have thought the world was going to end in 5 minutes by their reaction. Oh man. when I first started working here, I was planning on being here no longer than a year, so buying into retirement was the LAST thing on my mind. 2 years later, I had maybe a passing thought, but that's about it. So after a crash course in Roth vs. traditional IRA's and quick assessment of how much i could actually afford to invest in them, I am now planning for retirement?!?!

Crazy I know. Who thinks about that at 25 for real? But according to this handy graph they showed me, I'll be a millionaire by the time I'm 85...

a new perspective...

2007-07-21T00:24:00.000-05:00

"When will love ever find me?
All my life all I have craved is to be seen
Who cares anyway?
Cause when it's over all that matters is the love you gave away"

~Rosie Thomas, death came and got me

china moments

2007-06-23T18:44:00.000-05:00

Once you've lived overseas two new phrases are bound to enter your speech. (insert country name here) days and (insert country name here) moments. For me china days are days that NOTHING seems to go right, appropriately named in that in china, most days doing even the smallest mundane tasks seemed to take all sorts of energy and paitence. Thankfully i don't have very many of these days.

now china moments, on the other hand, are definately increasing in frequency. especially with smells. I was in a rose garden a couple of weeks ago with a friend and the breeze shifted and it smelled like china. i just stopped and breathed as deep and long as i could, trying to make that smell/feeling last. On the flip side i was walking around the plaza one night with friends and we were at an intersection and again i could have closed my eyes and been in china...funny enough the smell that time was a sewer drain mixed with car exhaust-china smelled like this more often than not.

The question i've really been wresting with lately is if i want to go back to china. you'd think it would be a given, as much as i talk about it, but it really trips me up. I LOVE china. i love chinese people. i love *some* chinese food. I love the fact that it smells like a sewer-good grief. but am i supposed to spend the rest of my life there? i don't know. I don't know if the love is familarity or God. i look at pictures, i see people, i smell smells, i have china moments and my heart practly explodes. but does it do that because i know life there, i know what it feels like or is that where God has placed my heart? but really, how could you not want to spend forever there?

and then i laughed

2007-06-16T00:50:00.000-05:00

Tonight some friends and i went down to the plaza to celbrate Jessica's 25th birthday. After an amazing dinner at bucca di beppo we wandered out to mill creek park and played all sorts of childhood games (when was the last time any of us had played red rover?). After the games we were standing around and this VERY drunk woman wearing a dress that was barely decent staggers by us, maybe 20 yards away. I turn to look at her right as she bends over to pick something up off the ground. And then i laughed. A really obnixous loud laugh. i wish i could say that it was an embarassed don't know what to do in that situation laugh, but i don't think it was...i think it was more along the lines of an "are you kidding me????" laugh.

and then she staggers off along the path and i kind of watch her as one would watch a car accident, but quickly return to the conversation.

about 20 min later i notice one of my friends is sitting off by herself so i go sit with her to see what was up. She looks at me with tears in her eyes and said "i can't stop thinking about that woman. we saw Christ in the flesh and we laughed at him". it was like a kick in the stomach. .

it reminded me of this quote by Gerard Manley Hopkins.
"For Christ plays in ten thousand places,
lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his..."

what a beautiful (and humbling) way to think about that moment. to think that that woman was fearfully and wonderfully made by the king of the universe and he delights in who she is and just is longing to draw her close. it brings me to my knees in repentence, drenched with HIs grace. the grace that allows me to live above satan's lies and believe that this moment will be redeemed.

"Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison and did not take care of you? Then he will answer them "Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me" matt 25:44-45

give me eyes to better see...

5 years ago...

2007-05-08T15:08:00.000-05:00

this is what happens when you combine google with being really bored at work...man i was such a dork (some would argue the use of past tense there)!

have a nice day....

2007-04-24T07:55:00.000-05:00

"We are TODAY accepted in the Beloved, TODAY absolved from sin, TODAY acquitted at the bar of God. Oh! Soul-transporting thought." ~ C.H. Spurgeon

birthday parties for prostitutes...

2007-04-06T02:46:00.000-05:00

i absolutely LOVE this story. And as i've thought this week about what Jesus "with joy set before him..." went through on the cross and why he did it, i keep coming back to this story about Tony Compolo and Agnus. It so embodies what Christ desired the church to be after he left.

A few years ago Tony flew to Hawaii to speak at a conference. The way he tells it, he checks into his hotel and tries to get some sleep. Unfortunately, his internal clock wakes him at 3:00 a.m. The night is dark, the streets are silent, the world is asleep, but Tony is wide awake and his stomach is growling.

He gets up and prowls the streets looking for a place to get some bacon and eggs for an early breakfast. Everything is closed except for a grungy dive in an alley. He goes in and sits down at the counter. The fat guy behind the counter comes over and asks, "What d'ya want?"

Well, Tony isn't so hungry anymore so eying some donuts under a plastic cover he says, "I'll have a donut and black coffee."

As he sits there munching on his donut and sipping his coffee at 3:30, in walk eight or nine provocative, loud prostitutes just finished with their night's work. They plop down at the counter and Tony finds himself uncomfortably surrounded by this group of smoking, swearing hookers. He gulps his coffee, planning to make a quick getaway. Then the woman next to him says to her friend, "You know what? Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm gonna be 39." To which her friend nastily replies, "So what d'ya want from me? A birthday party? Huh? You want me to get a cake, and sing happy birthday to you?"

The first woman says, "Aw, come on, why do you have to be so mean? Why do you have to put me down? I'm just sayin' it's my birthday. I don't want anything from you. I mean, why should I have a birthday party? I've never had a birthday party in my whole life. Why should I have one now?"

Well, when Tony Campolo heard that, he said he made a decision. He sat and waited until the women left, and then he asked the fat guy at the counter, "Do they come in here every night?"

"Yeah," he answered.

"The one right next to me," he asked, "she comes in every night?"

"Yeah," he said, "that's Agnes. Yeah, she's here every night. She's been comin' here for years. Why do you want to know?"

"Because she just said that tomorrow is her birthday. What do you think? Do you think we could maybe throw a little birthday party for her right here in the diner?"

A cute kind of smile crept over the fat man's chubby cheeks. "That's great," he says, "yeah, that's great. I like it." He turns to the kitchen and shouts to his wife, "Hey, come on out here. This guy's got a great idea. Tomorrow is Agnes' birthday and he wants to throw a party for her right here."

His wife comes out. "That's terrific," she says. "You know, Agnes is really nice. She's always trying to help other people and nobody does anything nice for her."

So they make their plans. Tony says he'll be back at 2:30 the next morning with some decorations and the man, whose name turns out to be Harry, says he'll make a cake.

At 2:30 the next morning, Tony is back. He has crepe paper and other decorations and a sign made of big pieces of cardboard that says, "Happy Birthday, Agnes!" They decorate the place from one end to the other and get it looking great. Harry had gotten the word out on the streets about the party and by 3:15 it seemed that every prostitute in Honolulu was in the place. There were hookers wall to wall.

At 3:30 on the dot, the door swings open and in walks Agnes and her friend. Tony has everybody ready. They all shout and scream "Happy Birthday, Agnes!" Agnes is absolutely flabbergasted. She's stunned, her mouth falls open, her knees started to buckle, and she almost falls over.

And when the birthday cake with all the candles is carried out, that's when she totally loses it. Now she's sobbing and crying. Harry, who's not used to seeing a prostitute cry, gruffly mumbles, "Blow out the candles, Agnes. Cut the cake."

So she pulls herself together and blows them out. Everyone cheers and yells, "Cut the cake, Agnes, cut the cake!"

But Agnes looks down at the cake and, without taking her eyes off it, slowly and softly says, "Look, Harry, is it all right with you if...I mean, if I don't...I mean, what I want to ask, is it OK if I keep the cake a little while? Is it all right if we don't eat it right away?"

Harry doesn't know what to say so he shrugs and says, "Sure, if that's what you want to do. Keep the cake. Take it home if you want."

"Oh, could I?" she asks. Looking at Tony she says, "I live just down the street a couple of doors; I want to take the cake home, is that okay? I'll be right back, honest."

She gets off her stool, picks up the cake, and carries it high in front of her like it was the Holy Grail. Everybody watches in stunned silence and when the door closes behind her, nobody seems to know what to do. They look at each other. They look at Tony.

So Tony gets up on a chair and says, "What do you say that we pray together?"

And there they are in a hole-in-the-wall greasy spoon, half the prostitutes in Honolulu, at 3:30 a.m. listening to Tony Campolo as he prays for Agnes, for her life, her health, and her salvation. Tony recalls, "I prayed that her life would be changed, and that God would be good to her."

When he's finished, Harry leans over, and with a trace of hostility in his voice, he says, "Hey, you never told me you was a preacher. What kind of church do you belong to anyway?"

In one of those moments when just the right words came, Tony answers him quietly, "I belong to a church that throws birthday parties for prostitutes at 3:30 in the morning."

Harry thinks for a moment, and in a mocking way says, "No you don't. There ain't no church like that. If there was, I'd join it. Yep, I'd join a church like that."

i bet he would. shoot i would. i so want to BE that church! who's in?

short of breath

2007-03-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

Feel I'm on the verge of some great truth
Were I'm finally in my place
But I'm fumbling still for proof
And it's cluttering my space
Casting shadows on my face
I know I have a strength to move ahead
I can hardly leave my room
So I'll sit perfectly still
And I'll listen for a tune
When the mind is on the moon

i woke up this morning craving space. physically. emotionally. spiritually. wanting space to just be and chill and breathe. to breathe deeply...which is something i'm not doing so well lately...actually i don't think i've ever known how to do this. i feel like i need to be breathing, but it's just not happening.

i think that there is a lot for me right now that's underwater. And He's trying to get me to take a deep breath before i go under. did he miss the part that i'm not so good at that? i feel like i'm sitting here trying to get all the air out of my lungs before i go under. i know, it doesn't make sense to me either. He so bad wants me to breathe and i'm just not.

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slip now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me

so i last about two seconds and have to come back up gasping for air. and it's the same story over and over. i wonder how long He'll watch me bob up and down. i wonder how long he'll have to wait before i finally figure it out...

here am i

2007-02-25T23:07:00.000-06:00

preface-i really LOVE the things going on in my life right now and i REALLY, REALLY love my friends here...but...

tonight the gathering was all about sending and going. And i knew it was going to be a rough night. i thought i'd be ok. i was wrong. pretty much there isn't a day that i don't think about being overseas, or think about my friends, or even the things that drove me insane. I didn't love china when i first got there. it was really hot and really smoggy and the long term workers were really weird, that lasted about a day. then i loved it. For the 9 months i was there there was only one day that i wanted to be back in america. one day. out of 270-ish.

the week i left we had a little house church with the students we'd been meeting with all semester. they called it their tuesday get together group. There were about 15 students and 3 workers crammed into a small apartment in the middle of the blazing summer without air conditioning. think about everything you've heard about chinese underground house church...that was it. All the students went around the room sharing how they came to know christ. they were speaking in chinese, so i only caught like every 3rd word, and my name. it was beautiful. MY name was in their stories. beautiful and humbling. i looked at their faces, and it was a montage of my time there. remembering their journies and mine. I left two days later. it was the hardest thing i've ever done. walking away. believing that i was being led back to america, but definately not feeling it.

and understand that He reigns. and that He's moving. I might not be there to see it, or tell the stories but He is continuting to show His glory in the dark places. He doesn't need me. that's really hard too. He's bringing His salvation to that city through those 15 students who get together on tuesdays. who risking future jobs, higher pay, class status, and respect continue to share his love and grace with all those around them.

so here i am. knowing that he's called me to kc for now. and being ok with that. just not knowing the "why". and daily dealing with that. daily laying whatever plans i have for myself on the altar. releasing them. letting go. and that's really hard. but i have to understand that God is in control of this moment. and be obidient to that.

little of me

2007-02-19T00:19:00.000-06:00

here's some more tagore for you. i figure he's a nobel laureate poet, we'll let him do the words...

Let only that little be left of me
whereby I may name thee my all.

Let only that little be left of my will
whereby I may feel thee on every side,
and come to thee in everything,
and offer to thee my love every moment.

Let only that little be left of me
whereby I may never hide thee.

Let only that little of my fetters be left
whereby I am bound with thy will,
and thy purpose is carried out in my life---and that is the fetter of thy love.

the weight of glory

2007-02-13T10:46:00.000-06:00

stop. feel the weight of this moment. it's my arms around you. pressing you-guiding you. feel my touch-feel my hands on your back "do not fear for i am with you". you must walk to the edge-don't run or you might miss it. don't look back-that's not for you to worry about. i will guide you. i will continue to push you when your feet sense the edge and instinctively don't want to take one more step. trust me! but this is real. do NOT treat it lightly. Are you sure? I will continue to push you because I believe in this. I need you to believe in me me. Believe IN me. Believe me. Let go and believe me. the closer you get the harder I'm pushing. Not to force you but to let you know how much I believe in you. You can do this. You can. Why are you scared-I know the plans-you don't have to.

sometimes when God speaks you grab the nearest thing and start writing. in this case it was a paper napkin. beautiful!

a little too close for comfort

2007-02-07T17:51:00.000-06:00

this was the view of the chem plant from the camera on top of our building this afternoon. it was a little eerie driving out of the city tonight and seeing the city scape with a backdrop of thick black smoke. gave me chills. because they didn't evacuate us (statestreet is 2.3 miles away from the plant) we had to continue pricing funds (i guess it would cost a lot of people a lot of money if we didn't send the right prices to NASDAQ). so when i was telling becky about it, it had gone into the no big deal category, "so they're was a chemical plant that exploded in north kc, no big deal, we're ok". needless to say, when she got outside and saw the smoke, she immediately called to check up on me. :) thanks friend!

1 year, 4 months and 12 days later...

2007-01-31T22:25:00.000-06:00

so its time for the weekly china post. ha ha. For as much as I'm thinking about it, i'm really suprised it only comes up every now and then. I just got an email from my good friend, and old teammate, merry. She's 4 months pregnant and absolutely adorable! Anyway getting her email and seeing her picture brought everything back so clearly and vividly. Like I can smell it and see certain instances like I had just walked off the street and up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment. And I got to thinking that if I could re-live any part of my life it would be my time in china. Don't get me wrong, life is good right now and I'm learning a lot and excited about what God's got in store, but I'd trade it in a heartbeat to just be with those people in that place again. I can't explain it. I wish i could make sense of why I feel how I do and put it in a nice box wrapped with a bow, but it's not wrapped up, or even near a box. a year and a half later i'm still as torn as when i stepped off the plane.

Here is meredith as a rockstar and a mom.