little of me

here's some more tagore for you. i figure he's a nobel laureate poet, we'll let him do the words...


Let only that little be left of me
whereby I may name thee my all.


Let only that little be left of my will
whereby I may feel thee on every side,
and come to thee in everything,
and offer to thee my love every moment.


Let only that little be left of me
whereby I may never hide thee.


Let only that little of my fetters be left
whereby I am bound with thy will,
and thy purpose is carried out in my life---and that is the fetter of thy love.

the weight of glory

stop. feel the weight of this moment. it's my arms around you. pressing you-guiding you. feel my touch-feel my hands on your back "do not fear for i am with you". you must walk to the edge-don't run or you might miss it. don't look back-that's not for you to worry about. i will guide you. i will continue to push you when your feet sense the edge and instinctively don't want to take one more step. trust me! but this is real. do NOT treat it lightly. Are you sure? I will continue to push you because I believe in this. I need you to believe in me me. Believe IN me. Believe me. Let go and believe me. the closer you get the harder I'm pushing. Not to force you but to let you know how much I believe in you. You can do this. You can. Why are you scared-I know the plans-you don't have to.

sometimes when God speaks you grab the nearest thing and start writing. in this case it was a paper napkin. beautiful!

a little too close for comfort

this was the view of the chem plant from the camera on top of our building this afternoon. it was a little eerie driving out of the city tonight and seeing the city scape with a backdrop of thick black smoke. gave me chills. because they didn't evacuate us (statestreet is 2.3 miles away from the plant) we had to continue pricing funds (i guess it would cost a lot of people a lot of money if we didn't send the right prices to NASDAQ). so when i was telling becky about it, it had gone into the no big deal category, "so they're was a chemical plant that exploded in north kc, no big deal, we're ok". needless to say, when she got outside and saw the smoke, she immediately called to check up on me. :) thanks friend!

1 year, 4 months and 12 days later...

so its time for the weekly china post. ha ha. For as much as I'm thinking about it, i'm really suprised it only comes up every now and then. I just got an email from my good friend, and old teammate, merry. She's 4 months pregnant and absolutely adorable! Anyway getting her email and seeing her picture brought everything back so clearly and vividly. Like I can smell it and see certain instances like I had just walked off the street and up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment. And I got to thinking that if I could re-live any part of my life it would be my time in china. Don't get me wrong, life is good right now and I'm learning a lot and excited about what God's got in store, but I'd trade it in a heartbeat to just be with those people in that place again. I can't explain it. I wish i could make sense of why I feel how I do and put it in a nice box wrapped with a bow, but it's not wrapped up, or even near a box. a year and a half later i'm still as torn as when i stepped off the plane.

Here is meredith as a rockstar and a mom.

waiting

So I'll be the first to admit I'm not the most patient person. I always end up in the slow line or in the right lane wanting to turn right on red when the person in front of me is going straight, multitasking like crazy to get on to the next thing. But recently God has put a spirit of waiting on me. And I LOVE it.

This Sunday at church I just got really excited about the waiting process. Not about what I was waiting for (because I don't really know what that is and I'm sure at some point I'll be excited about it), but just about WAITING. And how beautiful it is. Looking forward to waiting, it goes against all my internal wiring, I don't get it, but it's good. It reminded me of a poem I had read by Rabindranth Tagore.

Tagore was from an influential Bengali family and was the first non-European to win the Nobel Prize in literature (in 1913). His poems are phenomenal. Oh my goodness. I don't know much about poetry, but his collection "Gitanjali" is incredible. Every poem is like a deep breath that you hold in for a second just to taste the sweetness.

I just love how this poem captures what my heart feels in this time of waiting.

"This is my delight, thus to wait and watch at the wayside where shadow chases light and the rain comes in the wake of summer. Messengers, with tidings from unknown skies, greet me and speed along the road. My heart is glad within, and the breath of the passing breeze is sweet. From dawn to dusk I sit here before my door, and I know that of a sudden the happy moment will arrive when I shall see. In the meanwhile I smile and I sing all alone. In the meanwhile the air is filling with the perfume of promise."

play

i love snow. I love the beauty and stillness of it. I love how it transforms everything and everyone. I love snowball fights. I love how they bring out, the kid in us. The long stifled voice that goes back to recess on the playground days and organizes teams and makes up rules on the fly. "single elimination, if you hit someone on the other team, one of your teammates gets to come back in", "1-2-3-4-5-turn-throw", "five throw?", "no five turn throw", "how do I get up from this snow angel?" "you totally just put a boob on our snowMAN" I love it. I love that for 30 minutes one sunday we just forgot that we were adults with jobs and responsibilities and just played. Thanks friends!



i love snowmen.


isn't this the most sculpted snowman face you've ever seen? And it seriously took the girls no time to make it. incredible.

weird

so my favorite candy used to be sweettarts. I could eat A LOT of them. All at once. Now i don't so much like them (i've moved on to the more mature candy of nerds), but i got some for Christmas so i took them to work. after eating probably a 5th of the amount I used to be able to eat, my face started to get really hot. And my eyelids started sweating. I'm not sure physically why, or how this happens, or even that your eyelids can sweat, but it's so weird. I've never heard of anyone else's eyelids sweating. No other candy does this to me. only sweettarts and only my eyelids. this isn't new, it's happened since i was little, but i had forgotten about it until five minutes ago when my face got really hot...

breaks my heart

lately I've been thinking about what breaks my heart. What are the things I'm so passionate about that I would lay my life down for? I'm sitting here watching a PBS program on life inside china. This episode is about freedoms in china. When you live there, you hear the "party message" and experience the red tape every day, but you almost become used to it. Just start to think of it as life as normal forgetting that it is not normal, or just.

They just showed a clip of a raid on a house church. The police (psb) take those who were meeting out into the street and start beating them. They then bulldoze the house. Just because they were choosing to worship in their homes and not in a registered church.

I never experienced persecution. Some of my friends did. Getting pressure to join the party, and stop meeting with us (second to needing to study, joining the party was the answer we most often got when our friends stopped calling us). Those who did choose to study with us would have to hide their bibles and study in secret. They know the cost of following Him. It is so real to them but still they shared His truth with their classmates. Trying to feel out who would be interested and who would turn them in to the class monitors. They share boldly knowing what will most likely happen if anyone finds out they're a Christian. And their friends are believing, and telling others, and they are believing and the Church is growing. And it's beautiful.

China definitely breaks my heart. Everything about it. The people, the language, the culture. The void in their eyes and their answers when you ask them what they love, what they're living for. How can you not love them? How can you look at them and the smile they're pushing through and not die inside at the hopelessness of their lives without Jesus?

genius

Holy cow! Last night was the best episode of 24 ever. Seriously. I sort of pride myself on knowing what's coming next in 24. After watching it for a while you start to pick up on the writers subtle hints and what's going to happen, who is the mole, when CTU is going to get taken over, when Jack is going to get captured etc. And the premiers started like that. Milo is back (which is random because I can't remember how they phased him out, I'll have to go back and watch). And I was making my predictions to how stuff was going to fall. And then at 9:53am...Yeah...The writers are genius. I NEVER would have thought they would have what they did the last 7 min. of the show. It's going to be an incredible season!!!

know

I've found recently (well I've known it for a while) that I "know" a lot of things. like it's almost my standard response. Pose any thought, idea or question to me and most likely the first words out of my mouth are "oh I know..." But do I? I think that my mind knows these things. I know that God is going to provide for me. I know that His timing is perfect. I know that He will blow me away with what He's planning on doing in and through me. I say it, and I think it, but I totally don't live my life most days dancing in this knowledge.

so tonight at the gathering we had just a beautiful outpouring of the spirit. And I was praying for this girl in front of me all sorts of things and then I pr'd over her eph 3:16-19. And all of a sudden I was just repeating these words over and over "that she would KNOW". When I finally realized what I was saying, I was struck. That although I was prying for her, that was the cry of my heart as well. That i would KNOW, really, truly, deeply KNOW how much God loves me. That I would KNOW it's width, and depth and height and length, though I can't even begin to understand it, that I would still KNOW it. And through that knowledge I would be able to pour that love back onto Him with out of control passion!

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."-eph 3:16-19, new living

brilliant.

They're married!

This last weekend I got to go down to Texas to see two of my china teammates get married. Their story is such a great example of God's faithfulness. Amanda is probably one of my closest friends. I seriously could not have survived China without her. I remember the first time she told me she liked Brent, then sat with her while her heart was breaking thinking he liked someone else (which coincidentally was the same week he decided that he REALLY liked Amanda), screaming over the phone when she told me about their "not a date" date, laughing with her about all the various rules they had to follow, holding her hand as he got on a train to leave the country. Praying while two second delay skype conversations were happening in the other room, getting an amazing voicemail from Brent telling me he needed to ask about "jewelry". I am so excited to have been along for your ride my friends! I'm way excited to continue to adventure with you through this next stage.



It was also really refreshing to see about half of our wh team. I didn't really ever expect to see some of them again. Like Rob who just happened to be in Mexico during December (he lives in Australia) or nate who just got back from the field last month. I figured this would happen, but we all just sort of fell back into step when we got around each other. Amanda and I couldn't stop cracking each other up (and talking REALLY loud). I had almost forgotten what it was like to be around people who know all the nooks and crannies of my heart, and yet they still love me. The highlite (aside from the wedding) was us getting to eat dinner together after the wedding. In China, every Sunday after church, we'd always go out to eat. Some of the funniest things happened at our meals together. This one was no exception. It's been a long time since I've laughed that hard. AND thanks to my stellar guys, I got a birthday song and sopapila. The wait staff came out singing happy birthday and bearing softserve with a candle in it. I was so surprised, I almost asked whose birthday it was. I don't know that I've ever really been surprised on my birthday before. Way to go guys.



After dinner stace and I had to leave to drive back to Kansas city. It was really hard to leave. We kept trying to stall, anything to stay around them longer. It was like the airport trips all over again. I am so thankful for the time I had with them, but it didn't make it any easier to walk away. It felt like I was re-entering America all over again. Leaving those who knew me so well, who I could let it all out with, and entering a place that I'm not for sure accepts who I am at my deepest level.



I sure do love you guys and can't wait until the next of us gets married so we can all get together again! zaijian!

hope

I saw We Are Marshall today with the fam. I really loved it...(granted there are only a few sports movies in existence that I don't love). My favorite scene is one where Matthew McConaughey (as head Coach Jack Lengyel) and his assistant coach
Red Dawson realize that they need some super easy plays for their very inexperienced team. Coach Dawson suggests the vear play, which coincidentally their rivals UWV are experts at. Lengyel looks at Red and is like, "lets go ask Bobby (bowden, uwv head coach) if he'll help us out". Red just laughs. But Lengyel presses it. Not with force, but with a "dude, what have we got to lose" attitude. Then when they get there, Bowden laughs at him too. But eventually lets them have pretty unlimited access to his film and playbooks. Red is in awe. Seriously-their rivals handing them that weeks playbooks?!? But Lengyel walked into the film room like it was no big deal. Because he totally expected Bowden to help them out. There are a couple more scenes that are basically the same. It always seemed that Lengyel was walking around expecting the most random crazy things to just fall into place. Most of the time people didn't believe him, didn't believe that it would work out, and I'm sure there were plenty of whispers behind his back about how irrational he was. But he didn't seem to care.

What a way to live. To just walk around in the complete faith that God was going to pull through for you, in everything. Over the last week or so I've had two different people say that I seemed like a really hopeful person. I think this is a good thing, better than being dark and twisty. But can one be too hopeful? It's been something that I've been chewing on recently. Can you have too much hope? I mean not saying "it will all work out" so people will quit asking if you're ok hope, but the real depth of looking at a completely seemingly hopeless situation and knowing and believing that He's got it. I don't know. Some days I feel too hopeful, like my little hot air balloon of hope is going to get shotdown and it's gonna hurt to fall, and I'm going to regret not being more rational...but most days I'm like "dude, what have we got to lose"

what the heck?!

I just glanced through an article on msn women talking about the way to get CLOSER to a guy. I thought it was a joke because as I look at their main points, I am pretty certain that these are all pretty destructive to a relationship. Thank goodness I don't have to play by the worlds standards..here is a breakdown of what they say-

flirting with someone else ("But the truth is, a little innocent flirting with someone other than your steady can have serious relationship benefits.") because that's not cheating

being selfish ("So instead of waiting for him to give you what you need every time, get a little grabby now and then") because it is all about YOU

arguing ("Arguing is actually one of the healthiest things you and your guy can do for your relationship.)" healthy, but maybe not one of the healthiest things

walking away angry ("They walk away from the fight because they're worked up, but then abort the fight altogether because it makes them uncomfortable to restart.)" manipulation at its best

lying ("Sometimes telling a little white lie is easier than telling the truth.") don't even get me started

wow. What I think is sad is that women will read this and take to heart what this says.

happy birthday my dear!!!

Carolyn is 22! Holy cow! Seriously, I think the story goes how I was on of the first students she met at k-state when she took her tour (I was standing outside of boyd, go figure). Then she happened to actually live on my floor...which was pretty fantastic. And the rest they say is history. Girl, it's been AMAZING to watch you grow and to see so many prayers answered in your life. I know that right now is the beginning of something big-believe Him for that! Thanks for letting me journey with you! I love you!!!

and a partridge in a pear tree

That's what this last week has felt like...everything christmas squeezed into 4 days. I'm worn out. But I LOVE it. I'm one of those people who November first starts putting away the fall decorations and listening to carols. One month just isn't quite enough for me.

Here are some pictures of what the last week has been like for me.

This is what the view from my back balcony looks like. I'm so blessed! I just love to sit in my room (my window looks out onto the balcony) and pretend that I'm not even in kc...because all i can see is the tree and the pond. That little corner of my room is probably my favorite place in town.

This is the view from my cube at work. Maybe not my favorite place in the city, but if you're going to be at work when everyone else has 2 snow days, might as well have something beautiful to gaze out at.


A ministry that I'm a part of here (Intl Students Inc.) had two christmas parties this weekend. They had to split it into two nights because there were so many students. It was such a fun time. I don't know if I've ever sat in someones house while they played piano and sang caorls. I sort of felt like I was in a movie...minus the 50 international students singing right along with us. This is my friend Wei. She is precious! What I really love about her is she's not afriad to speak chinese with me, even though it's hard work for her to understand my horrible attempt at conversation.



What a proud Baba! PoBo (the son) just started laughing and giggling during one of the songs. His dad couldn't get enough of him!


Finally my two good friends Preeti and Vikalp. I met them last easter and they have just been so fun to get to know. Man how I wish they were Family!!!

out of control-for real

The last 24 hours I've felt like I was in china all over again. Seriously. People out everywhere! It started with the Thanksgiving Day 5k at the sprint campus. It was my first road race ever, and I'm officially addicted (it doesn't hurt that I have an addicted personality, I get addicted to EVERYTHING, just ask anyone who has lived with me). Nat and I were running in the 10 min. mile pace group and we didn't cross the start until like a minute after the gun when off...And then pretty much the first 2.5 miles, you're weaving in and out of people, trying not to elbow-butt anyone (I guess I swing my arms wide, I hit like 4 people) or get run over. The last half mile opened up, and that was nice.

Then later that night we headed down to the plaza to see the lights lit up. Complete with fireworks, it was way beautiful and fun. A couple got engaged right in front of us. It was soo fun! I don't even know them but I was way excited. (sparkley things, such as lights, fireworks and diamonds get me excited-I was on excitement overload). But there as well were tons of people. I felt bad, because I've mastered the skill of working my way through crowds, but Nat and her mom haven't so much, so I kept losing them.

And then this morning. Yes, I was one of THOSE people who was outside target at 5:30. Ever since I can remember I've gone shopping the day after thanksgiving (and Christmas too), so I know what to expect, but every year, I'm floored at how grown adults run through the store and push people out of the way to get the new hot item. In my quest for season 1 of 24 I had to brave the chaos that is the electronics section! This time though, the throng of people had carts! Double whammy! I tried to decide which was more a mess, electronics or toys. Too close a call. But my bravery/(stupidity??) was rewarded with not only season 1 but all 4 seasons of 24 for 16.99 each. Score!

One thing that I found though, was the amazing feeling of camaraderie. Like generally when shopping you don't strike up a conversation with random shoppers, but today, you do. You find solace in that others are going through exactly what you are, on very limited sleep and need second judgments on what Christmas present will be perfect for their 12 year old daughter that they can't treat like a kid anymore. It was great. I LOVE talking to strangers.

I'll post pics as soon as I get my computer back from the apple store. Lately I've become really good friends with tech support :( (although plugging in the power cord tends to help when your computer won't turn on because the battery is low...thanks neilson!)

ya'll

So my vacation in georgia was pretty awesome. It's always different going "home" to a place I've never lived, but after a couple of hours it's all the same. I hadn't seen my fam in almost a year so it was great to just catch up, chill out, eat a lot and watch a lot of food network (I don't have cable, and I'm finding that is the channel that I miss the most, especially around the holidays). I had forgotten how different life is down there. We got to hang out with some of my mom's friends, it was a hoot. I have never heard not only such thick accents, but just sugary words.


This is my sis and I at my brothers football game. It was freezing that night. Well...maybe not freezing but my thick kansas blood decided that layers weren't needed and I paid for it later.


Meet Gracie. She's my sister's pomerian/corgie mix. How cute is she?


the fam

in other news I said goodbye to Dork (my 96 neon)

and hello to ryan (an 05 mazda tribute)

It was hard parting with dork, we'd been all over the country together, but it's nice to not have to worry about the little things like shutting the passenger door just right to reduce the hwy noise, or punching the drivers side door from the inside to get in, or scraping the ice of the inside of the car, yeah it was about time for an upgrade.

surviving

So I just got off the phone with a friend who I hadn't talked to in a while. And he said something that really caught me off guard. I asked him how he was doing and he said "yeah you know, alright I guess". My warm hearted and oh so thoughtful reply was "well I guess that's all you can ask for sometimes". (What the heck? Really?) His response was "No I don't think so". Is that really what I think? That merely surviving is ok? Have I become so calloused and jaded, that hurt and pain and struggles are the norm and all I can hope for??? I'm embarrassed at my response and lack of compassion but what a good kick in the stomach reminder of all that we DO have to hope for.

seattle days and Shane nights

So I LOVE this weather. It has felt so much like seattle lately. It's made me miss it-alot. Dark skies, misty rain, temps in the 40s. Fabulous! One of my favorite things about seattle is when the baby raindrops (not like the big kansas raindrops) would make light sparkle. We'd be driving down I-5 at night and the raindrops on the windshield would refract the lights from the other cars and they would just sparkle. Like little strands of diamonds and rubies. Beautiful! It was like that this morning as I was driving to work. If you're going to be driving to work when it's still dark, at least God made it all sparkly for me. :) It could stay like this for a really long time and I'd be alright.

On a totally unrelated and random note, I almost met Shane Bernard last night (background-I REALLY love Shane & Shane). He played at heartland and one of my friends went up to talk to him afterward to tell him how influential his music has been on her walk with Jesus. I thought it would be cool to meet him, but I just punked out and stood off to the side. How was I supposed to follow "your music changed my life..." ahh oh well.

my life

I want it to resonate this...

"And when I came to you, brethren, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of God. For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith would not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God." 1 Cor. 2:1-5