not quite what i had planned...

i need a vacation. not a day off, but a day away. i waste my days off. and by wasting i mean sitting on the sofa watching an embarassing amount of the oc or west wing. i was going to get away to texas (not quite the ocean get-a-way i was hoping for, but warmer than kansas right now), but the $140 speeding ticket i got last night took care of that for me. yup. it's been one of those weeks, and it's only tuesday. awesome.

lessons learned

A couple of years ago at the training to go overseas our speaker spoke on rights. I don't remember all of it, but I remember the strong implication it gave as to adjusting our attitude and what we believe our rights are. I don't have the right to eat what I want to for breakfast (for some reason breakfast was a big deal to me while over there), I don't have the right to sleep in past the 6am playing of the national anthem right outside my hotel window, I don't have the right to not eat what was put in front of me. All summer (and the next year) I was reminded of what my rights were and it put me in such a beautiful position of gratefulness and humility and grace.

Fast forward 5 years. I was supposed to be transferring departments at work today. I've known about this move and my anticipation had been building for over a month. Yesterday I found out that my move date got pushed back and I wouldn't be able to transfer for another week and a half. I was livid. All the reasons they gave for needing to hang onto me for longer weren't my fault. I felt like I was being punished for things that I had no control over. I wanted everything to be fair, and fair to me meant that I got to move when they told me I would-not two weeks later.
It took me about 5 hours to calm down, and during those 5 hours I was horrible to all of my coworkers.

As I was reading before bed last night I was overcome with the reality of my sin. Somewhere I had bought into the idea that I deserved to move to my new group on my schedule. That it was my right to only do the bare minimum required of me now. That will show them. ugh. It made me sick thinking back on my attitude yesterday.

So today I'm thankful that every morning His mercies are new. That I've been given a whole other day (and 8 more after that) to love and serve and be Christ to those He's surrounded me with.

insert creative title here

so i wish this post had pictures, because it would make it that much more awesome. but alas, i'm at work, so words will just have to do. And numbers. because lets be honest, by the time i scan my id badge for the 5th time since i entered the parking garage (1.to get into the garage, 2.to get out of the garage stairwell and into tower 1...yes it's called tower one, i work in tower 2. i know weird. 3.to get onto the elevator 4.to get onto my floor after getting off the elevator and 5.we have these card readers at our desks that we insert the card into to sign on to the computers) my brain is geared up for lots and lots of numbers all day. wow. that was a long tangent...

1. one of my roommates leaves today on a relaxing trip with her parents. she's gone for 7 days. 7 whole days. not quite sure how THATS going to work. when you talk to someone for like 2-3 hours a day, and then they're gone for a week...that's a little bit of an adjustment. just sayin.

2. one of my dear friends is getting married tonight. SuPeR excited for her. their story is beautiful!

3. 13 days until my birthday. the big 2-7. im excited!

4. i'm LOVING the song Christmas by Leona Naess. dang. it's good!!!

5. i opened my car door on my forehead today. i'm not sure exactly how this happened, but it's actually happened twice in the last 2 years. needless to say i have a HUGE gouge on my forehead (yup. it was a little disconcerting seeing blood trickle down my forehead when i moved my hair out of the way) and i'm waiting for it to swell up.

so this whole list thing sounded more impressive in my head than it looks written out. we'll blame the blunt force trauma that inflicted on myself this morning. yeah. that's it. are we sure that i need to be managing billions of dollars today? eh. no big deal. :oP

grow old with me

So i have this fascination with growing old. i don't know where it came from or why exactly. i get REALLY excited when it's almost my birthday (26 days baby!) because i get a year older. :) i'm sure at some point (probably around 29 ha ha) i'll get over this, but right now i kind of can't wait until i'm 60! granted i have this idea that i'll be a regal/quirky diane keaton type when i'm 60, not the crazy cat lady, ya know?

this morning-and every day this week, lets be honest-i went into einstein bro's for my daily blueberry bagel/honey almond schmear addiction (which i need to get over-like yesterday!) and there was a group of about 7 elderly folks sitting around one of their big tables drinking their coffee and eating their bagels. I SO want that. to be retired and sitting around the table with 6 of your closest friends who you've known at least 20 years. friends who've LIVED life with you through marriages, births, deaths, seasons. incredible. it's not about the coffee or the bagels (which i love) but more about knowing and being known deeply as you only can over the course of YEARS.

my longest "lived in the same city, still talk and hang out pretty regularly" friendship just passed the two year mark. yup. it's a learning curve, but hey you have to start somewhere...


i can't wait!

consumed

You know when you hear something and it just strikes you and that's all you can think about. Or when you see something and that image is BURNED in your mind and although you don't think about it all the time, occasionally it comes back up and it's all you can see.

my mind is consumed. my heart is burning. its the same story that's been in the back of my mind since that one night at starbucks in thailand-almost 4 years ago. and i have little more vision now than i did then. all i know is that i was enjoying my frappuccino on the 3rd story patio balcony of the starbucks on the beach-she was standing on the street below-turning tricks. never mind the "couple" at the table to our left. he was late 40s early 50s, she was maybe 17.

i wonder what their names are? are they still working? are they still alive? how old were they then? 14? 17? which is actually relatively old considering...


needless to say, i'm having a hard time focusing on work today-and i really want to see this movie!

http://www.callandresponse.com/

is this really my life?!?

so maybe waiting isn't so bad. you know? I'm starting to miss it actually. ha ha. i found out last week that i got a new position at my company that I've wanted (and prayed for, and had friends pray for) for over a year! it was such an awesome feeling knowing all the refining that had taken (and continues to take place) over that time.

I'm generally not the most patient person. if something doesn't happen within about 2 weeks i generally give up and move on. not with this. i really felt that God was moving with my job stuff, but i just didn't know when or how that would work out. there were many times when i wanted to give up and quit and work at starbucks but i just knew that He had something more for me. so i pressed on.

when i found out last week, i was SO proud of myself for being faithful, and not giving up. I'm not sure if God says "i told you so" often but i could feel him saying that over me with a smile.

then i thought of this verse...mal 3:10. it has been INCREDIBLE to really not be able to contain the blessings. i don't even know what to do with myself half the time. i go around wondering if this is my life or if it's a movie. it just seems that over the last week it was the best case scenario every single time. or I'd think of how cool it would be if this happened or that happened and then the most wild possibility would end up happening. my little plans were GREATLY overshadowed by what He's longing to pour out over me.

so after a week of that, I've resigned (ha ha) to the fact that He's just going to blow me away. and I'm PUMPED!! bring it! ;)

"Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." -malachi 3:10b

stillness? waiting? really?!?!

So i've got this reoccurring image that i don't know where i first saw it, but it comes around every now and then-mainly when i'm trying to make a decision or sort out what's going on around me. I'm in a circular room made out of mirrors. every single surface is reflective (maybe i got this image from a movie, the labyrinth maybe??). there is one door in that room, but you can't tell its a door, it just looks like a mirror. so i furiously go around the room trying to find the door out at some point the room feels like it's spinning so i loose track of which door/mirrors i've tried and which ones i haven't.

when people have asked me how i've been recently this is the first thing that comes to mind. trying to find my way out of the mirrored room. thinking things are doors when they aren't and just getting exhausted and frustrated. i was telling some friends this a couple weeks ago and they both just spoke stillness into me. not the answer i wanted to hear. i wanted to hear, you're almost there. go for it. instead i got wait. sit in the center of that room of mirrors and wait for Him to open the door.

easier and SO much harder all at the same time. so i'm waiting. sigh.

me...right now

a new post. i know right?! that's just how life has been lately. i can't even begin to discourse the last 5 months. they're pretty much all over the place, and involve moving twice during that time. i actually packed my stuff up 3 times, but that's another story for another day. part of me wishes i could say that my life was starting to calm down for a bit, but then the other part of me is really excited about what *could* be coming. nothing super big, believe me (i am NOT moving-ha ha), just some small things that will hopefully pay some huge dividends in the form of more time and less stress.

anyway. i was thinking about me and trying to label what i've been feeling for i don't know how long and the best i could come up with is "wait" by alexi murdoch. i LOVE alexi murdoch and this song is definitely in my top 10 songs...

Feel I'm on the verge of some greath thruth
Were I'm finally in my place
But I'm thumbling still for proof
And it's cluttering my space
Casting shadows on my face
I know I have a strength to move a hill
I can hardly leave my room
So I'll sit perfecty still
And I'll listen for a tune
When the mind is on the moon

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slit now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me

Cause everywhere I seem to be
I am only passing through
I dream these days about the sea
Always wake up feeling blue
Wishing I could dream of you

So if I stumble
And if I fall
And if I slit now
And loose it all
And if I can't be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me


yeah. waiting. definitely my strong suit. ha ha. stay tuned. :)

good words

i think i'll actually write some of my own words soon, but this was given to me again this last weekend, almost exactly a year after i first heard it. it's more appropriate now than ever. Thanks michelle!

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, GORGEOUS, talented and fabulous?

actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of God.

your playing small doesn't serve the world.
there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we are all meant to shine, as children do.
we are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us

it's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
as we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

while we're being real...

i didn't write these words, but its amazing how they parallel my heart.

I’ve realized recently in my own life that part of my struggle to trust God stems from my fear that His plan for my life will be smaller than all that I could ask or imagine. I can dream up some pretty darn fantastic stories for myself, but ultimately I break under the pressure and fail to trust Him because I fear He can’t dream that big. I’m wrong (easier to know in the head than the heart). So I’m still hoping for a beautiful story that would make this whole life journey an unbelievable display of His greatness, not to mention worth the heartache. Some days that comes easier than others

i'm such a groupie

here are the pics from after the mutemath show.


darren king and i. he's the out of control drummer. i can't even describe it. he just goes to this other place and it's beautiful.



mutemath. paul meany (lead vocals/keys), greg hill (guitar/vocals), roy mitchell-cardenas (bass), darren king (drums)



paul. he's a little out of control too. but dang good at what he does. this pic cracks me up. i don't take photos this close with my good guy friends. much less people i don't really know. but he's famous, so he does what he wants. ha.

so yeah. fun times. we're now bff and all. ha.

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Sometimes on no sleep i do rediculous things. like run 8 miles with a windchill of about -5 degrees with just spandex and a dry-wick shirt. or leave my camera at a habitat for humanity warehouse...

didn't realize my camera was gone until i wanted to use it to take pictures of mutemath at the matchbox twenty show. at the time i didn't so much care. there weren't any super important pics on there and i was getting ready to meet mutemath. nothing was getting me down.

i just got back from habitat and my camera is gone (i def didn't expect it to be there). SUCK. reality check. congratulations anna, you are getting a new camera. the part that makes me the most frustrated is that i had just convinced myself that i could afford an iphone with my bonus from work and my tax rebate. so now that money is going to a new camera. ugh.

*wendy let me use her camera to get pics of me and mutemath. i'll post them when she uploads them

a woman with a plan

I love a good plan. Those who have ever had to do anything with me know this. I'm not quite sure why I like them so much. I was asked the other day if I EVER fly by the seat of my pants and I laughed, yeah, I think I did it once, but I'm pretty sure I was planning on being spontanious at the time.

So tomorrow morning, I'm planning on curling up with my favorite down blanket, some hot water (it's kind of a long story), and a book or two. I say two, well, because I'm currently reading about 5 and it would be nice to get that number down a little before I add to it. Half-way through 5 books. Now this is EXACTLY why I have to plan a morning to relax and read.

oh. I also am going to try to bake something from my amazing Martha Stewart Cookbook that ted and kelli got me for Christmas.

so. excited.

do this in rememberance of me

Growing up Catholic you pretty much have the Mass memorized by the time you're 12. There are minor differences, but for the most part, the prayers, rituals and responses stay pretty intact. Year after year it is always the same. "Do this in rememberance of me". Said by the priest after he has blessed the bread and wine. Quoting Jesus at the last supper, after he to had blessed the bread and wine.

Today is Ash Wednesday. I might still get a call from my mom asking me if I've been to church yet. I remember getting out of school to go to church (and in Lousiana, because of the high percentage of Catholic kids, I think it was like a legit half day or something) and then "accidently" wiping my forehead so I wouldn't get made fun of when i went back to school. In the car ride back to school we were always asked what we had decided to give up that year. I liked to say chocolate-which was quickly vetoed...being that I HATE chocolate and never eat it. We were supposed to come up with something we REALLY liked and would miss, a sacrifice. Like Jesus had sacrificed. I can't for the life of me tell you one thing i have given up in the past.

A friend and I were talking about it last night. She was REALLY enjoying her diet coke (even toasting on every sip. let me tell you-you all WISH you could have been there to see that) becaus it was going to be the last one she drank until easter. During this exchange I realized that i hadn't decided on anything yet. Not that you have to give up something, but I'm just at a place right now, where I don't want to wake up one sunday and realize that it's easter. I need lent right now.

So here is what I've come up with. I too am giving up soda. Not that I drink it a lot, but I LOVE it. And I'm one of those people who will do anything to get what I really LOVE and obsess about it. (read-lack of self control and expert rationalization skills). So the soda is about just not getting something that I want and learning discipline in that. I'm also giving up TV/movies and The OC. I know, The OC gets its own catagory. You have no idea how obsessed I am about it. I don't watch a whole lot of tv at all. But I do watch it when I could be doing other things. and that's what i'm trying to do here. Just create some time and space in my life to write my food for the hungry kid, or paint, or read one of the 50 books that I've bought but have yet to read. (I am allowing myself one movie a week, mainly for social purposes, but also because well...I'd rather watch a movie than take a nap, and I think I might be taking lots of naps in the near future)

I'll definitely keep ya'll updated on how it's going. My hope is that during this time I am able to focus more on Christ and spend some intentional time listening to Him. Do this in rememberance of me...

i made HER smile!

so. interesting fact about anna #482 i LOVE to read random (and sometimes not so random) peoples blogs. i'm following a woman as she raises her quad babies in texas, oh about 50 families who are adopting babies from other countries, a stay at home blogging professional mom to two adorable dogs and a sweet little girl, the list could go on. anyway it's become a new obsession of mine.

one of the blogs that i've started to read and LOVE is beth moore's living proof ministries blog. I'm a HUGE fan of beth and have done a ton of her studies, read a few of her books and heard her talk once. (sidenote-if i look half way as good as she does when i'm 50, i'll be SO excited) so on her blog this week she asked those who were reading to leave a comment about who we were, where we were from, what church we went to and our favorite truth right now. so i'm starting to leave my comment and i get to the church denomination part and i'm a little stumped. i don't really know exactly what heartland classifies themselves as, and i honestly don't know much about different denominations, so i put "emergent-ish". because i'm not sure we're 100% emergent, or even 1%, but it seemed like the closest thing in my mind. and really, if you know me, you know that i stick "ish" on the end of EVERYTHING so it just seemed natural at this point.

so today i'm looking at her blog and she posted all the stats, and i get to the church section and there is my "emergent-ish" with a parenthesis (made me smile).

SO FUN! i made beth moore smile. over 1500 comments and mine made her smile. anyway. that's exciting to me.

wanderlust

Wanderlust. An old German word, when translated from the original German means far and ache. What a description of my heart right now. Aching for far places.

It's been about a year and a half since I've been out of the country. A year and a half since I've been a place I've never been before (although, officially i had never been to Savannah). And I've got that ache. That longing to pack my bag and head out, sitting in coffee shops for hours reading. You know, the kind with book exchanges, because really when you're hiking through south west china, do you really want to carry around more than one book? Eating fresh pineapple for breakfast in an open air restaurant, with nothing on the agenda but the beach, which oh by the way is just a block away.

These blogs are definitely NOT curbing my desire to travel...

friends of a friend. i see their pictures and I'm actually back there. every day i have to fight the urge to buy a plane ticket

never really thought about going to Vietnam until i stumbled across their blog a couple of weeks ago. it also makes me want to adopt a little Vietnamese boy REAL bad too!

And my good friend/old roommate is spending the next month-ish travelling all over the pacific rim area. don't worry I'm not jealous. not at all. ha.

kingdom of light shine on us now

i have a friend. i would tell you her name but if the wrong people read it, then she'd probably get questioned. i would put up a picture of her, but that'd have the same result. so i'll tell you her story. When i met her she was a soph (maybe) in college studying english. we met at the school cafeteria and had dumpling soup, because i told her i really liked dumplings (not so much in soup i learned). She had just accepted Jesus a week ago (on christmas eve) and was SO excited. We agreed to meet at least once a week to study The Book and just hang out. She quickly became my best chinese friend.

Sometimes we'd meet upstairs in a coffee shop to study, other times at McDonalds (one of the few places with heat and air conditioning). Every single time we'd get together, she'd rattle off a handful of her friends names who she had told about Jesus and who now wanted to study about Him with her. literally this girl was on fire, making the most of every opportunity to tell of the Joy that was in her.

one of the most exciting days when i got to "dunk" (baptize) her in one of the large rivers that ran though our city. I'm not sure what she was more anxious about, the obedience of this step, or the fact that her head had never been under water before. The second most exciting day was two weeks before i left to come back home.

we'd been meeting now for about 8 months and she was like my sister. My name was no longer anna but nana (a serious sign of endearment, taking the second syllable of your name and repeating it. only your BEST friend calls you this). we gathered the 20 or so students we had been meeting with all year and walked 5 flights up a dark stairwell to one of the students apartments. no air conditioning, 115 degrees, 20 chinese students and 3 americans. all in this living room. singing and praying and telling the stories of how they came to know Jesus. Their chinese was too good, and mine was not so much, so i only caught every 3rd word. and my name. how humbling it was to hear my name woven into their stories. i was sitting in the middle of a chinese house church.

two weeks later i left-and sobbed all the way to beijing. We kept in touch. sending presents and cards and photos and emails. every time i'd see the characters for her name in my inbox, my heart raced. i wondered what my friend had to say.

i got this email tonight. it broke me-and reminded me of how much i HATE satan and the light he tries to extinguish.

Hi,anna!
It is Christmas Eve here and I am thinking about you. My life used to be bright when i was meeting the other group members regularly and contact you often. You were my sunshine. I was happy then and I felt I was loved by the Brothers and Sisters and all my friends,especially by you. I shoud have kept following Him faithfully.But my faith toward him became weak since i met the chicago guy. I spent a lot of time sending emails to him and chatting with him on msn. I thought he and I would love each other and we would be happy together .So we met in **** this winter ,but unfortunately, he didn't love me . He just said" I like you " .It really made me upset. I should have listened to you and waited patiently for the one. Since I haven't gone to the church for several months, I could barely feel His guidance . I got a little lost.
How have you been ? I often thought about you when I was lying in bed quietly and thinking about those days that you were in **** .It was happiest days I've ever had. We hang out with each other and sang songs for Him together and studied together. I was so joyful and had a thankful heart for Him and for everything i had got then. I want to browse your blog often in order to know how you are doing, but i can't be able to browse it,because many western websites can't be browsed in China .Chinese government doesn't allow Chinese people to visit western website.
I am so sorry for not being so cheerful on this cheerful day. But I really wish you a white Christmas. And I miss you a lot a lot."

"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine" Isa 9:2

I'm praying in her land of great darkness, on the night she first met Him, a light will shine.

wishing and hoping (and waiting)

so Henri Nouwen is pretty much THE MAN.
[from Watch for the Light, a collection of readings on Advent]

"Waiting is open ended. Open-ended waiting is hard for us because we tend to wait for something very concrete, for something that we wish to have. Much of our waiting is filled with wishes. We are full of wishes, and our waiting easliy gets entangled in those wishes. For this reason a lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future. We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are dissapointed and can even slip into despair. That is why we have such a hard time waiting: we want to do the things that will make the desired events take place.

But Zechariah, Elizabeth and mary were not filled with wishes. They were filled with hope. Hope is something very different. Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises adn not just according to our wishes. Therefore, hope is always open-ended.

i have found very important in my own life to let go of my wishes and start hoping. it was only when i was willing to let go of wishes that something really new, something beyond my own expectations could happen to me. Just imagine what mary was actually saying in the words 'i am the handmaid of the Lord...let what you have said be done to me" (luke 1:38). She was saying "i don't know what this means, but i trust that good things will happen.'"

and then Jesus was born. Holy heck. amazing!

an old friend

"you don't stand in front of a mirror before a run wondering what the road will think of your outfit. you don't have to listen to its jokes and pretend they're funny in order to run on it. it would not be easier to run if you dressed sexier. the road doesn't notice if you're not wearing lipstick. does not care how old you are. you do not feel uncomfortable because you make more money than the road. and you can call on the road whenever you feel like it. whether it's been a day...or even a couple of hours since your last date. the only thing that the road cares about, is that you pay it a visit once in a while" -nike ad in What Women Want.

i went running on lamar today for the first time in a month. after the race, i joined the gym at work so i had just been running there. but i had today off and with nothing to do at 8 o'clock this morning decided to put on my shoes and head out. i had forgotten how much i love running up and down lamar. how well i knew it, and how well it knew me. hitting 4:30 at 71st street, during the rock out section of Heaven Hear Us. 8:30ish at 75th street. not quite realizing that my pace was that fast. my legs just went into muscle memory. knowing exactly where the hills were, and how hard they'd have to push in order to stay on pace. if i could just make it to the bear house (a house wtih a bear figurine in the front yard made out of a tree trunk, sits at the top of a hill before 69th) then i know it'd be flat until home. i turned on 68th and didn't even realize that i was on my street until i ran past my neighbors house.

i got home and felt like i could have run for miles. people often have different experiences when they run. for some it's a form of meditation almost. i had never experienced that, always being super aware of my surroundings and what was going on, that i was never "tuned out". until today. it was perfect.

for probably the first time ever i stopped "thinking". my mind went somewhere else and i let it go. and i was richly rewarded. i didn't have to fake my excitement in running through ankle deep leaves. i didn't have to rationalize why i needed to breathe and walk until the 3rd tree after 71st. thr road just knew. like an old friend would know. and it smiled and drew me deeper into it's comfort.

light

So the last 20 minutes of work today was amazing. mainly because i didn't really have much to do (some would argue that i never have anything to do) and just stared out the window at the sunset. it was definitely one of those Lisa Frank sunsets where the sky is 15 different colors and looks like a nebula. i would glance away for a second and the sky would change like a kaleidoscope. Nothing like having a west facing window 5 stories up in downtown kc. so beautiful.

by the time i had left work, the sun had fully set. so i drove home in the dark. i LOVE when it starts to get dark at 5:30. there is just something so serene about driving home in the early evening and being able to see the stars. or lights. Everything seems simpler, more clear in the darkness. you can actually see the light.

I drove down the highway, the kc skyline on my left, the buildings freckled with office lights still on. ruby and diamond strings of head and tail lights stretched out in front of me while Amos Lee's soulful voice carried my cares away. it was one of those moments where the world just is. life might be heavy or light, confusing or understood, chaotic or peaceful, but in that moment, life just IS.

And you can sit at work irritated that its 5:30 and you're still there, or you can look out the window and wonder in awe at how creative and beautiful our God is. You can sit in traffic and be bitter, or you can see jewels sprinkled everywhere you look, and a hear a soundtrack that couldn't be more perfect if someone had spent years planning it. And though the darkness has it's arms around you, you can't stop staring at the light. funny how that happens...