mates: part one

June 16, 2010
5:40am. Standing in line with Crystal and Justin for the free Mumford and Sons show at the Firefly. The line stretches down the block and around the corner. Justin wanted to camp out to make sure we'd make it in, Crystal didn't think that would be necessary. We make it in. Barely.

June 17,2010
1:40am. Leaving westport with Crystal after a post show hang with Ben Lovett and Ted Dwane, of Mumford and Sons. Really sweet guys. Really sweet accents.

Hell of a day! ;)

part two to follow. when I get my pictures uploaded. and after I get some sleep.

beautiful things

The other day (or three months ago) Bethany had just gotten back from Nashville where her friend had shared with her this song. She told me about it, "Its really neat. The lyrics are 'You make beautiful things out of the dust...you make beautiful things out of us' I know it sounds a little cheesy, but its really good!" The next day on the way to a meeting we listened to it in the car. Instant favorite! It was playing pretty much non-stop that first month at our house. Then we moved on to other favorites and different seasons. I'd think about it every now and then, but it was mostly forgotten, stored in between Great Lake Swimmers and Hem.

The other night at the Gathering KB sang a "new" song. The lyrics started, "all this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way ... ". Bethany and I looked at each other and practically squealed! Back in March this was a just a really sweet song. Back in March I doubt if either of us were ready to receive the fullness of it and the reality it calls out. Well, probably Bethany was, I sure wasn't. I sat there during the message writing the lyrics over and over. Willing them into my heart. They have a whole new meaning this side of June.

Three months later. Sunday. A little dusty, a little weary, and worse for wear. In the throes of transition. " ... hope is springing up from this old ground ... " :)





"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone ... the season of singing has come ... Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come with me." Song of Solomon 2:10-13

If I see three oranges, I have to juggle

"Why do we always want answers to the impossible questions. Why do you love her? Any answer to such a question is usually ridiculous. Because she is beautiful? Because she is intelligent? Because she has a funny pimple on her nose? Nothing makes much sense. Why did you become a priest? Because you love God? Because you like to preach? Because you don't like women? Why did you become a monk? Because you like to pray? Because you like silence? Because you like to bake bread without being bothered? There are no answers to these questions.

When they asked Philippe Petit why he wanted to walk on a slender wire strung between the two tallest towers in NYC, everyone thought he did it for money, for publicity, for fame. but he said, 'If I see three oranges, I have to juggle. And if I see two towers, I have to walk.'

We don't believe the most meaningful answer.

His is the true answer. Why do you love her? When I saw her I loved her. Why are you a priest? Because I must be a priest. Why do you pray? Because when i see God, I must pray. There is an inner must, an inner urge, or inner call that answers all those questions which are beyond explanation. Never does anyone who asks a monk why he became a monk receive a satisfying answer. Nor do children give us an explanation when we ask them why do you play ball?' They know that there is no answer except, 'When I see a ball, I have to play with it.'" The Genesee Diary, Nouwen

I often feel the urge to explain, re-explain and over-explain everything. I MUST be fully understood. There can be no chance for miscommunication. But, I have to wonder, how much that striving to tie things up in a nice (albeit generally messy) package actually looses authenticity. We don't need reasons. We don't need nice, tidy packages. We need those unexplainable, beautiful, meaningful answers!

SUN!

I grew up in some REALLY sunny, REALLY hot places. Hawaii, Arizona, North Carolina, and Louisiana (I lived in really cold Germany for a few years, but I was too young to remember it. And I'm sure there are pictures of me in cable knit tights and lederhosen floating around somewhere). Needless to say, I liked the sun, and the warmth. It was, for the most part, all I knew.

Then I moved to Kansas. Where I discovered fall and winter. Leaves and snow and rain and gray days. I was so over the sun. All I wanted to do was listen to the rain, run in it, curl up inside with a book, PERFECT. Then my fam moved to Seattle. jackpot for a rainy day lover like myself! All those things. All the time. Well, at least for the 2 week stints I'd visit them in.

This spring has been abnormally gray and chilly and rainy. And while I love, love, love those days-over the last week its started to wear on me. I just want to be outside. In the sun. Without a cardigan on.

Today its 75 degrees. and sunny. going on a run and then laying out at loose park.

be.love(d)

so be patient and kind.
not jealous.
or boastful or proud or rude.
don't demand until you get what you want.
don't be irritable.
forget wrongs.
fight injustice.
rejoice always.
don't give up.
keep your faith.
be hopeful.
keep running.
be love.

hazel sister

She graduates today!!!!

She's been done with school since December and working for a while, but decided to walk in the spring. Donna was coming in yesterday, so late Wednesday night we decided it was time to clean our house.

No house cleaning is complete without a little "Party in the USA" and "Paper Planes", I mean, we do it right on Lydia. I was cleaning the kitchen as Bethany walked by, I caught a quick glance of her.

me: "you look older"
bethany: (stops and smiles) "like more mature? grown up?"
me: "yes. its your eyes"

She smiles, and walks back to the bathroom to resume the oh so glamourous task of toilet scrubbing. Not 30 seconds later she screams. The sound one would make if say a very large rat ran across their foot. I freak out and yell to make sure she's ok. Her response is a squeal and comes running around the corner to tell me a story.

For the next few minutes both of us are screaming, giggling and jumping up and down in our kitchen.

more mature? grown up? Yes, its your heart.

LOVE you girl! Proud of you!!!!

muscle memory

So I was going to quote one of my favorite movie lines in reference to my run yesterday and then realized that I did that, oh 3 years ago.

Anyway. It had been a while since I ran 5 miles outside, Kansas winters generally tie me to a treadmill from november until april (not this year. I'm totally buying ice spikes). Since the weather has been warm for about a month, I've really had no excuse to not be running long runs. (5 miles is no where near a long run. But its longer than 3 miles, which is what I've been hitting lately)

I'll save all my insightful thoughts on my runs for another post, and leave you with the less than insightful ones today.

I live at 51st and Troost. The top of a hill. 63rd and Troost is in the valley. 67th and Troost the top of another hill. 71st, a valley. 75th the top. Running hills SUCKS. Especially with a headwind. Yesterday was some cruel joke when I SWEAR the wind changed direction where I ran up every hill with a headwind. I never caught a break.

After 5 years of serious running I finally perfected the right nostril snot rocket. All you non-runners might find this gross, but seriously, its actually so much less gross than other blowing-on-the-run alternatives. Still working on the left side. The nose ring makes it slightly more difficult.

I LOVE running by Friendship Chinese Restaurant at 65th. The combo of chinese food, exhaust, and the heat rising off the pavement instantly takes me back to China.

I almost caused an accident yesterday. A dude pulled out of the Popeye's lot and onto troost. He craned his head to stare at me (a tall white girl running on troost is somewhat of a spectacle) and missed that the car infront of him had stopped. He braked in time, barely. ha.

I miss being able to run fast, hopefully I get my speed back. sooner than later.

It takes about 4 miles for my legs to remember what they're supposed to do while running. Then at the magical 4 mile mark I find my stride and its beautiful. That's probably the reason I suck at 5k's!

6 months until this baby!

What's your name? Girl, what's your number?

Last Sunday. I needed to fill up my car (actually my dad's cherry red pickup. hott. I know) so I go to the BP station at Paseo and Cleaver. Its 8:30 in the morning. As I'm getting out of the car this guy (maybe early 20's) hollers at me from the pay phone "hey, you got 50 cents". I tell him I don't think so, but that I'll look. He then says "Where your man at?" and I laugh it off and roll my eyes. I reach into my car to grab my wallet to see if I have the change and he walks up and I let him know that I'm sorry that I don't have any change. He asks again "Wheres your man?" Being that he's right next to me and I can't laugh it off a second time. I reply. "Getting ready for church"* He then walked away. something leads me to believe he wasn't interested in just borrowing 50 cents.

Then yesterday I was near the end of my run (on Troost) and ran by a convenience store. I try to make it a point on my runs to make eye contact and say hi to everyone I cross paths with. Its one little thing that helps me feel present in my neighborhood. Like I'm not just running through, I actually belong here. I'm going to say hi. anyway. There was a man leaning on the pay phone booth outside and I smile at him and say hi as I run by. I have my ipod in and I see him say something, which I assume is "how are you?" So I reply "great, how are you?" then he continues to talk, so I slow down and take out my ear buds and he says "no. I said how OLD are you?" I chuckle and reply "28". He then puts his hand to his ear like a phone and mouths "call me". I laugh and continue my run.

Really? Does this really work for these guys?

"no. I actually don't have a man. would you be my man?" or how about "What number should I call you at? The phone booth number? ok. great talk to you soon." ha!


*I don't have a man. But in that situation I'm not above stretching the truth a little. I know men. and those men were getting ready for church. we were taking my car to church which is why i was at the gas station in the first place.

as of late...

in the last 24 hours I have

• learned what a catalytic converter does and just how much it costs to replace
• tripped down the stairs only to be caught by my friend who was holding his 2 year old daughter in his other arm. he was walking up the stairs, I was falling down. and he caught me, while holding his daughter. 
• been reminded of just how much i freaking LOVE my community, and how much they freaking love me too :)
• surrendered to the fact that my car was going to cost A LOT to make it driveable. not totally fixed, but able to get from point a to point b. 
• been blown away by my coworkers. I got no fewer than 4 numbers of different mechanics that they knew and trusted to fix my car for me. 
• inherited 2 new brothers. Their names are clay and BRob. They are the two guys I sit with. Its nice to have brothers (i have one legit one. he's the BEST). Who tell you to get second opinions. Who fist pump with you when you think your catcon (yeah. we're on an abreeves basis after today) is covered by warranty. Who hang their head with you when you realize its not. And then affirm that you're just having the worst day ever. i LOVE these guys. 
• freaked out when the second opinion is A LOT less than A LOT and is actually affordable :)
• seen two people legitly being arrested. handcuffed and all. welcome to the neighborhood. 
• fallen more in love with said neighborhood. there.are.tulips.everywhere
• decided that a 5 mile run is just good for my spirit

Its been a long day. Its been a hard day. But its been a beautiful day. Because You make beautiful things out of the dust. 

grace and glory

"oh no" she cried. "You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the high places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised." "no", the Shepard said, "It is not a contradiction, only a postponement for the best to become possible"

"You really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why? It may be months, even years before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepard, do you mean it is an indefinite postponement?"

He bowed his head silently and Much Afraid sank on her knees at his feet almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her hearts desire all together and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back. (Hinds Feet in High places, Hannah Hurnard)

"Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame maybe not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb 12:12-13

My broken limbs are being set and healed in the wilderness. In the flat desert. Its not fun. But its beautiful. Waiting for the best to become possible. And one day the path will turn and I will be brought to the mountain. And I will be able to run.

question

"What are we going to do about all those babies in haiti?"

I haven't been able to think about anything else...

(sigh)

Somewhere we know that without silence, words lose their meaning,
that without listening, speaking no longer heals,
that without distance, closeness cannot cure.
- Henri Nouwen

spatially challenged

The other night a friend made a comment that guys are more spatially adept than girls. Like in memory (I'm assuming the game) and puzzles and directions and maps and stuff. I guess remembering where things are and how they are arranged? I couldn't argue with him. He's super intelligent and the first thing I thought of is how often I run into completely stationary things. Things that NEVER move. Like door frames and tables and bathroom sinks. I had just run into a door frame earlier that day. I literally turned around and ran straight into it with my shoulder.

I didn't think about this too much after that conversation until this morning. When I cut a corner too close in the parking garage and totally scraped the side of my car with a cement pillar-before 6am-on a holiday when no one else has to be at work. Awesome. Really anna? The same pillars you've driven around twice a day for the last 4 years? Those ones that never move? Yup. Needless to say I don't have a drivers side door handle. And a beautiful dent and scrape down the entire length of my really cute, sporty, absolutely perfect tribute. :O(

About that women being less spatially adept, yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

out of the overflow of the heart

So I sent a friend an email when I got to work this morning (having emails waiting for me when I get to work at 6 am are the best!) . It wasn't super long but I seriously used the word beautiful 6 times! It was the only word that could even come close to describing the 3 things I was trying to tell her about (yes, 6 beautifuls for 3 things. I know, right?!). And yet it is a cheap substitute for what I was really trying to say. I don't even think they make words that full...

maybe I'll even take up yoga?

When I came home last night my roommate was doing yoga. I walked in and said "I just CAN'T do non-vigorous* exercise". I had just come from the gym. Where I was doing 400m sprints-at 6:58 min miles-for 3 miles. Go big or go home is how I generally operate. And not just in my workouts, its kinda how I live life...

Take the last 24 hours for instance. I was going to Boise (to visit), then not going to Boise, then going to Korea (again to visit), then getting a second job, then not going to Korea, then not getting the second job. Basically I'm back at square one. quick trip huh?

And I wonder why I'm exhausted and have issues sleeping. ha. I tend to get super excited about new things and take off! There are some things that I'm SO confirmed in that they don't need days of thought but then there are the times when I should step back and think. For more than 3 seconds.

Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; haste makes mistakes. Proverbs 19:2

After talking with a friend last night I realized that this super easily excited way of life tends to leave me over committed and on the path to burning out. Surprise, surprise Anna CAN'T do it all! ha. So we're trying something different. Slowing down. Simplicity. Space. Peace. Wisdom. I'll let you know how that goes.

I don't anticipate giving up my speedwork or 7 mile runs any time soon, but maybe real life doesn't need to move that fast...

*I know yoga is a legit (and difficult) workout. I just have never done it, in favor of running my brains out. I mean if you can breathe easy and aren't about to die its not a legit workout right? haha

wo zhi ai ni you are my superstar...part one

summer '04. 5 years ago (give or take a few weeks) I came back from a summer spent in China. A summer that completely changed my life. A summer where I survived on oatmeal, cold cucumbers, white rice, crackers and sprite. A summer where birthdays were celebrated at KFC and Pizza Hut. Where massive amounts of fruit was consumed. Where it rained almost every stinkin day. Where our first official meal consisted of pig instenstine, spicy tofu, and some other horrible, albiet expensive food. Where lychee reigned surpreme, and "stellar hands" were won. Where truth was shared and tears were cried. Where hopes were born, and shattered. where Christ met us and overwhelmed each of us with HIS dreams for that place. 

summer '09. all but 3 of us are meeting up tomorrow for lunch at happy valley. I just finished looking through my old pictures and flipping through my journals. I cannot WAIT to catch up with my team and catch up and tell stories and inside jokes and laugh until we can't breathe. oh man. it's going to be awesome. 

the girls at ka la okee

josh becoming one with the chair

I think desi's face explains SO much about this picture. ohhh mizzike (you better believe he was like "let me take a picture with all the ladies")

so the kstate team dressed all crazy for our last dinner in wh. the ohio team didn't quite get that memo...
we might have gotten a few looks when the guys strolled through the hotel lobby dressed as brody and a chinese soccer player. never a dull moment!!!

some things never change

I randomly picked up my journal from a few summers ago and have been reading through it. its been interesting to see how the same things I struggled believing then, I'm only just now getting a handle on. 2 years later. fantastic. 

I laughed SO hard when i came across this, in the middle of a really deep entry from 7/22, ironically... 

"we were walking up the stairs and ____ was coming down them. And in true ____ fashion- he just looked amazing"*

I'm sure if I sill had my journals from when I was 13 (yes I've kept one since I was 12) there would be a similar entry. And one from when I was 16, 20 and last week. awesome. 

*maintaining at least a shred of my dignity with the omission of his name. ha ha. 

filled/emptied

I used to HATE to be alone. I don't know what it was a fear of, but man, I could only last about 2 hours before I just needed to be near someone (multiple roommates can attest to this-ha). Over the last few years I've been drawn into periods (oh about one night a week) of just wanting to be totally alone, reading, writing, pretty much whatever as long as it involved no one else. Over the last three weeks, that one night a week has turned into at least 4 hours a day. seriously. Its absolutely beautiful! Whats been neat about it is that its been super balanced. Like my alone time has filled me and fueled me in such a way that I'm LOVING the time I get to spend with my friends. That time has been incredible because I think for the first time I'm fully aware of who I am and what I was created for. Living and encouraging and loving (and BEING loved) out of that place is beyond beautiful. sigh. dang.

I look forward to the weekends because that just means MORE hours that I can spend reading/journaling. I've got a wedding tonight (which I'm BEYOND thrilled about) and I was thinking that I'd just hang out all day saturday. Its supposed to be beautiful. And then I remembered that I said I would help out with some family counseling stuff at a horse ranch. all. day. saturday. UGH. everything in me wants to back out. To become busy (which I would be. reading) and just peace out on my commitment. I mean, I love these kids, but that's my whole saturday. When will I get to read then????

The new hillsong united has been on repeat in my ipod for the last three weeks. As I was lamenting this morning on how much I wanted anna time and how fruitful it has been and bummed about what I was going to miss out on by being busy on saturday, the last line The Desert Song hit me.

I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow

alright. I get it.

broken...

So my totally awesome friend is an absolute incredible writer/poet/a million other things and has been working on this series for a while now. although beautiful to read, until last week it was just poetry expressing her heart. Now I read it and my heart explodes with that EXACT same emotion. Good grief!

The Breaking part IV

There is no in between anymore.
Now is all I have, with faces burned
In memory of there – of where
It is dark.
Faces in the dark.
Sparked, they need fanning
To flame.
But I sit, wait,
An ocean away.

I break:

Sure of one thing.
Light wins.
Unsure of everything

since you put it that way...

"On a scale of 1 to 7, where 1 means 'not at all satisfied with my life' and 7 means 'completely satisfied,' the people on Forbes magazine's list of the 400 richest Americans average 5.8--the same as the Inuit people in Greenland and the cattle-herding Masai of Kenya, who live in dung huts with no electricity or running water. Calcutta's slum dwellers score only a little lower, at 4.6."


this rocks my social justice-development economist heart!