He's alive!!!!

So I ran to petsmart, got the drops and seriously squeezed like a third of the bottle in his bowl. I think it calls for 3 drops per 2 gallons of water, oh well...I was trying to revive a dying fish, so I wanted to make very sure that I was killing whatever minerals were in the water. Then Nat and I went out to dinner and came home to an alive and kickin' fish. So we decided to rename him from Hezekiah to Lazarus (for obvious reasons). What an event filled evening!

death

So I just killed my fish...well, he's in the process of dying. We have these drops that make tap water safe for betas, but they don't so much work if you forget to put them in. I hadn't cleaned his bowl in a while so I was all gung-ho about making his habitat clean and enjoyable again. I rinse his bowl clean his rocks and put him back in. I even give him some food. About 2 hours later (10 min ago) I look at him and he's trying to breathe really hard and then I remember that I forgot to put the drops in. So I grab them really quickly and only 3 drops come out...the bottle is empty. So now he's just sorta floating on the top, barely able to breathe. Do I take him out and flush him to end his misery, or do I leave him in there and hope he pulls through. seriously I'm about to cry. I know he's just a silly little fish, but I get really attached to my pets (and the fact that I'm the reason he's dying doesn't help either). Thank goodness that i'm not a doctor...natasha just came home and we're running to petsmart right up the road to get more drops he may live after all!!

Something to be said for Chinese medicine

right now I need this

because as everyone in china knows, an iv drip will cure EVERYTHING. You've got a cold, "go get an iv", you have a headache, "get an iv" you stub your toe "you better get an iv". It's pretty hilarious when you stop and think about it. But after a month and a half of having a cold and being on various different antibiotics, an iv isn't sounding to bad now.

and this
(the sars mask, not the little kid, although he is quite lovely). Germs get passed around work like crazy. Our cubes are only half the height of normal cubes, and we share them with one other person. If I had a sars mask, I sure would wear it. People would think I was crazy, but at least I'd stop coughing.

Tonight I started taking Airborne. Everyone who has used it says that it's awesome. Probably not as good as an iv filled with who knows what (and dispensed out of an old school glass bottle) but we'll see.

thoughtbites

here are some thoughtbites from my journal from india. i was reading back over it processing through some stuff and things just started to jump out at me...so i started hilighting phrases. and that's what we have here...some thoughts to give you a deep but not so wide picture of what was going on around me, in my heart and in my mind while i was there. So yeah, it's chronological, but obviously there is some backstory to a lot of these pieces but you'll just have to ask me for more details ;)

how do i love them through my fear and insecurities and my feelings of lonliness...how do i look into their lives...we have this amazing opportunity to just be...i just felt home...we were doing stuff and then there was a monsoon...it was just beautiful to see the women and look in their eyes...it left me feeling just really vonurable, open-very easy to penetrate my skin.Father help me to respond in the way that shows your love...I would love to be on a team with them...i need to step back from everything right now...its funny how quickly He bonds my heart with the long term workers in cities...

but i have stilled and silenced my soul like a weaned child from its mother...in the secret of his presence how my soul delights to hide...stop thinking...what just happened was God...singing the name of Jesus over and over...held my hands...He wanted to be with me....You are good..he was like "just be"...but my heart is drawn...that all i want to do right now is forever sit in his presence...a culture i didn't know...it was just good to do some house church....why not just commit to whenever..."im career"...where to go...stew daddy...hopeful longing eyes...India is the country with (argueably) the greatest population of Mus....i get to see carolyn in like 10 hours....yeah i'm all over that...to surrender it to you Jesus...a woman who before was not known as upstanding. But Jesus made her righteous...

Through the words of the most disrespected woman in the community, people believed...possibly losing respect in the eyes of others...I bet she had never been saught after...No one would look her in the eye before Jesus and then they were listening to her stories and BELIEVING...my stomach is in knots...unbridled hope...butterflies abound..."be it to me like these animals if I do not fulfull my promise to you"...Like he doesn't ask me to walk through the path with him. he walks it alone...its not dependent on me at all...thinking about that warms my heart and encourages it. like even that thought and the lump is gone! and i'm smiling...it is well...I will wait with peace...I don't want to figure it out...

faithful to his promises...peace about my future...peace about his love....another reminder...she didn't like how Jesus wasn't married. she was just so open...not a god of confusion...totally have a motorcycle if i lived here...big sob in my throat-i think once i can get through it then i will be able to rejoice...i long to chat with amanda...do i see the joy set before me? or do i see a really hard life...i don't need to do the hard thing...its not just something i'd like to do-but its what i feel you made me for. are you really asking me to die to that?...the people i really want to love i almost can't reach without a husband...why...specifically...someone to stand between them and me...I hope that i'm obidient-that's the big thing...has made me remember....super weak...no power, more so no independence...one thing that i've thought was interesting is this time choosing to believe God...peace that I've felt has been out of control...being crazy enough to pray BIG things and believing that He answers prayers....I want to remember them often...like i just want everyone i know to be praying...

God has really affirmed me as a woman over this trip. LIke i feel like I could be worth something. In a country where women are degraded to pieces of meat to be oogled-I've felt almost more, i don't know, loved. but I've felt more worthy than I EVER have. Especially in var. The faces of the people were soft there. I felt home. completely comfortable, alive, energized, like i haven't felt. despite the heat and stench-and darkneww, it just felt like home. LIke familiar-almost calling to me. Beconing me. refreshed. The reality of life there. the POTENTIAL for life there...maybe i'm amazed.

Pictures...as promised

Sorry it's taken me soo long to get these up here. Honestly I've sort of been avoiding it. Being in India felt like home, and leaving and knowing that I'm probably not going back (overseas, anywhere, for a long period of time) for a couple of years is a little hard to swallow. So I really haven't processed, or thought much about it to ease the pain a little. I know, not the healthiest way but it's all I got.

These are going to be in no order...sorry

this is one of my favorite pics from the taj. I wanted to take a picture of this doorway (it leads up to the ground level of the taj) and as I was taking it this Muslim man walked out...perfect!




A woman praying on the ghats at the river. It was really heartbreaking to see them pouring their lives into the river of death.
















this picture is a great image of what life is like there, the daily struggles to get even the smallest things (like crossing the street) accomplished. There were moments of stillness and quietness which were cherished. It was so quiet one night that someone dropping a metal bowl outside our hotel woke me up, but the next morning the noise of daily life started right back up.



to orient us the city we played the Amazing Race. It was just like the real one. Teams of two were given an envelope with clues and some money and set off racing from clue to clue. I've always thought being on the amazing race would be cool, and I still would love to do it, but I cannot imagine being under an adrenaline rush for as long as they race. Holy cow! I was on a team with l-dub and we quickly fell into last place when our rickshaw driver took us to a completely different place (this was the first of many stressful and crazy rickshaw rides with l-dub). We started out as separate teams, but eventually with the help of a monsoon we finished the race together. The last hour was spent in a colossal downpour, not really knowing where we were much less where we were going, pushing stalled out rickshaws through 2 feet of oh so clean water, walking through that water and trying to not think about what just brushed our leg...it was awesome. This pic doesn't quite do it justice, but it's all I got.




h-diggity, k dawg and I spent one afternoon with the intent of pr walking the university there. Within about 2 min of being on campus and pring, I see these three girls and just go up to them and start talking. We talk for a few minutes and then continue on with our "task" of pring. The whole time I'm thinking man, we should go back and talk more to those girls, and regretting my decision to continue walking. Not 30 seconds later they come running after us hollering my name. It was pretty sweet. They showed us around and then did the obligatory "come to my dorm to meet all my friends". I even got to share Truth with them through my tattoo. Small seeds, but seeds none the less. So here we are in front of the technology building.



so I didn't take this last picture, and it's kind of random, but its about the closest one I've found to the image from India that will stick with me forever. During the amazing race, on one of the rickshaw rides, l-dub and I ended up in the Muslim part of town. I had never been in a mus. culture, so it was all new to me. Every thing captured my attention and my heart kept filling up with awe and joy and love, and burden. I felt like it was about to burst. The kids were just getting out of school so all the moms were out picking them up (the women usually don't go out on the street unless it's to get their kids from school). There was this one girl/woman in a burka on a rickshaw coming toward us. Our eyes met and, man, it's so hard to describe, but there was just this huge depth of hopeful longing in her eyes. I wondered how many people had actually looked her in the eyes, and told her they loved her and that she was beautiful. Even now she grips my heart.

I'm sure I'll put up more pictures as I process more. It was an amazing trip, completely different from what I expected. Who knows where I'm supposed to end up, but I sure wouldn't mind if it were there....

a little less clarity, a little more trust

I need reptition. I don't remember ANYTHING the first time. So when things in my life are repeated, i tend to figure that it's just God trying to make a point. I heard a quote by Mother Theresa this morning at church, then as I was reading this afternoon I came across it again...

from Ruthless Trust by Manning

"When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at "the house of the dying" in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Theresa. She asked, "And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him. "What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity." She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what i have always had is trust. So I pray that you trust God.""

you two girls and my mom

so i'm back, india was awesome and i'll post pictures later....
last night a friend and I had the most fun babysitting probably the coolest 4 year old i know. he was a riot the whole 4 hours. from randomly screaming to pulling out EVERY stuffed animal that he or his sister owned. i seriously laughed the whole time. Near the end of the night i asked him who the most beautiful girl in the world was. without skipping a beat he says "well you two girls...and my mom....and maybe my sister". it was so sweet. then later he's getting ready for bed and decides that he wants his back rubbed, but "wait i need to get something from my mom's room" and then he runs back in with a jar of lotion that his grandma made and takes off his shirt, so it could be rubbed on his back. awesome. it totally made my week.

elevators

so I think in a few days life is going to seem a little harder for me all because of elevators...well...maybe not, but I'll let you know.

Prior to my "real job" the most elevator experience I had was in the rickety little elevator in Boyd and Putnam (yes friends, it had a door and a gate you had to manually open) which I'm sure were installed when the buildings were built. Needless to say, trying to fit more than 4 people in it was a feat. So I come to work and I enter the world of corporate elevators. The first thing I noticed was the fact that the men practically fell over each other to let the women on and off first. I didn't know people still did this...not only the older guys, but the young just out of college guys too. Most days it's nice, now that i know that i will be expected to make the first move towards the door. sometimes it's a little inconvenient when I'm in back of a packed elevator. I just want to be like "I don't care when I get off, and I'd rather not make everyone else squish so you can go first, no problem".

yesterday after work a group of us (me being the only girl) were all waiting for the elevator and when it arrived, I stepped forward, taking my customary 'first one on' position, when a guy totally darted in front of me and got on the elevator first. As it was happening he realized it and apologized and of course I didn't care but it was interesting to see both of our reactions. I don't think I deserve to be let on or off first, but there is a certain amount of respect I guess that entitles that to happen. have I now come to expect it...yes, if only to avoid the awkward 'who's going to go first' scenario.

so I know it's a small thing but still I think that because of it I think that I'm going to struggle a little more with my role as a woman in the next few weeks.

beloved

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders" dut 33:12

un-american???

so I'm sitting at home flipping through the channels when i see one of the televised fourth of july fireworks shows. And i'm struck. I knew today was the 4th, and had two seperate invites to go watch the fireworks here but didn't go with either. it just didn't seem like a big deal to me. granted I'm not feeling well and have had a cold all week, but still it's the 4th of july and i wonder if i should have gone out.

For some reason holiday's just aren't that big anymore. I don't know why, maybe it was celebrating them unconventionally overseas (even though we sure did have an easter egg hunt around the lake at one of the universities), maybe it's being so far away from my family, or maybe i've turned into this huge introvert who would rather chill than celebrate with a lot of people. who knows. I'm hoping it's just the cold...

my zhong guo family

i miss these people...LOTS!



every party turned into a theme party...gotta love the 80's!



the girls...d's b-day.



i don't know why all of a sudden i'm seriously missing these people. maybe because it's summer and i'm not in china. i love you guys!!!!

post-op

So i had my knee surgery on wednesday...it went well (or that's what everyone kept telling me). I had never had surgery before so it was slightly scary. After i woke up in recovery the first thing i remember saying (after asking for a pillow to put under my knee) was profusely thanking my anthetist. It was hillarious. like it was probably the most heart felt thank-you I've ever given anyone. And i wanted to thank everyone i saw. Amy weaver picked me up and took me home, making sure that i was about as comfortable as i could be. I spent most of wed trying not to get sick. the combination of the anesthetics and pain meds made me extreemly nautious. so i just layed on the sofa and talked to random people on the phone. i had to make sure that i didn't talk to fast because if i did, then the room would start spinning. Around 8 I got really hungry (I hadn't eaten or drank anything all day) so Nat and i went to go get pizza. I love how crackers were upsetting my stomach but i managed to hold down like 5 pieces of black olive little caesars. :)

it's been pretty much the same story yesterday and today. not eating a whole lot...watching more news then i care to (lots of people are dying in the kc area...just in case you're wondering) and trying to hobble around the apt. today though i am able to walk around without my crutches. amy and i hung out this morning by the pool...what a great way to recover!!! tomorrow some of us are headed out to a jazz fest in op. hopefully i'll have enough energy to make it.

sidenote...when they do scope surgeries on knees they fill the knee with water. it's the WEIRDEST feeling. the only way i can describe it is stomach gurgling going on in my knee. gross.

india team

aren't we a good lookin bunch???

hwy 99

So driving home last night after my meeting wasn't exactly ideal, but jennifer told me that if I go through wamego it will be quicker. I head out on my merry little way and as soon as i get out of town I start freaking out. it was really weird. Like i knew that the road was going to continue, but there were moments that I felt like I was going to either plummet off the road or slam into a brick wall. As I was praying about what was going on a car comes over the hill with its brights on FLOODING the road with light. the blinding kind. All i could see was light. how much time do i spend fearing the darkness, physically anxious about what is right infront of me. But when i'm focused on His light i see that the road does go on and not run into a wall. simple i know but it just struck me.

slurpees anyone???

so my new apartment is right next door to a 7-11. Every time I drive by, I grin to myself because to me 7-11's don't belong in america. now i know that is strange to most of you, but my first 7-11 experience was in Thailand. Seriously i had never been in one before then. So today i decide that I want a dr. pepper after work so i stop in to my convinent neighborhood 7-11. I go to pay for my soda and am just chatting with the clerk who is in broken english telling me about the credit card swiper thing. So I ask him where he is from and he replies THAILAND. I about died. so we chatted a bit about phuket and bangkok. I'm so going to find excuses to go there all the time just to talk with my new thai friend. the picture is of my friend brent. obviously in a 7-11 somewhere in thailand. i don't quite remember where we were at...

phat

So on monday I went to the doctor to have them check my knee out. "The doctor" is quite an understatement actually....(insert fanfare) The Kansas City Orthopedic Institute. I wondered how much it was going to cost me to walk in there much less be seen. This is where all the Roalys and Chiefs players get their knee work done. Anyhow after some tests the doctors decided that I have "Hoffa's Syndrome" in my right knee. Better known as "enlarged fat pad syndrome". The picture shows pretty much what my mri looked like. The patella is in the top left of the pic and under it to the right a little is the fat pad. Everyone has one, but not everyone's gets caught and pinched in between the knee joints (as in the picture). Think of slamming your finger in a door...not fun. So trying to keep a straight face when you're being told that the problem is because your knees are overly fat is really hard. The only way to fix it really is to have surgery to remove the excess fat....lypo for your knees. I'm going back in a month to check stuff out and see if the swelling and pain has gone down and then probably going to get surgery. The recovery time isn't too long and the doc said I'd be back to speed for India. AND once it gets fixed I'll be able to continue running...a HUGE answer to prayer.

circa 1950

In about 3 weeks I'm moving into a sweet apartment with Natasha. It's been fun trying to communicate and "set up house" from different continents. Both of us living in the dorms until we graduated then moving overseas pretty much equals no furniture. Thankfully Natasha's dad found this piece of art at an auction recently. Look at those chairs...aren't they somethin? yeah they might get slipcovered or replaced. I think this is actually the same set my grandmother has only hers is green. So you'll have to come visit us to check out our place, swim in the awesome pool, and laugh at our amazing chairs!

I need words...

So I've had the most difficult time lately coming up with words?!?! In conversation, in writing, everything! I just stutter and mumble my way through what ever thought I'm trying to express. I'm not quite sure how I feel about all this. Words have been my "thing" for such a long time. (Yes I was that kid in school whose desk was pushed up against the chalkboard because it was the only way to stop me from talking...There's not so much community at the chalkboard). So it's really weird to feel like I'm not communicating well. Maybe it will enable me to hear better...I can only hope.

princess beds

when I first came back from china I stayed at the alvarez's in their guest room. After a year of sleeping on a large, albeit not so comfy bed I was so excited to have a soft bed. Down pillows, a down duvet, really high thread count sheets...it was awesome. anyhow that first morning i wake up with the sun shining in the window, the fan blowing on my face and thought "this is what a princess feels when she wakes up". For real. that was my first thought. since then i've affectionately called that bed the "princess bed", and told EVERYONE I know to sleep in it because it's awesome (just one notch behind the beds at sheridan hotels). So this last weekend I stayed with josh and cassie, and was a little sad that it would be a trip to manhattan without the princess bed. But no. There's another princess bed in manhattan!! As crazy as it sounds their hide-a-bed is amazing! So if you ever get the chance, you now have two options for quality "princess like" sleep in manhattan.

My weekend was really, really good. It's just good to chill with people who know my heart really well. Plus it seems that each time I go back, i learn so much. sometimes its really deep and it takes a while to unpack, other times, it's the little random things. not so deep this time...when you leave your sunroof open during a thunderstorm, the rain falls at exactly the right angle to completely soak your car in about 30 minutes. tattoos hurt hurt no more than getting purell in a papercut. people in manhattan drive really slow...or maybe i've just become a dreaded jo co. driver. i really, really love my friends. i didn't just learn that...but was more reminded of how much.

pieces of me

Sometimes it takes an insightful friend, great company, random french music and a paintbrush to kindle a spark in a girls heart. Thanks friends! I've enjoyed journeying with you guys through your blogs...so i've decided to take you along on what is transpiring to be quite the ride...