it always is

art=happy

the lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness. psalm 25:10

it's been a long week. one of those weeks, where loving people doesn't overflow and abound (bitterness, anger, and hurt, that's abounding in plenty). love, actually, hasn't been my first response in any situation this week. yikes. and SUCK.

so i've had to force myself. and remind myself. over and over. and then some more. lead with love, anna. lead with love.

so, today's a new day. that i'm sure will be full of opportunities to be hurt, and frustrated, and tired, and angry. but i'm also pretty positive that those will actually be opportunities to let love seep in, to let it overflow.

for it to be the only answer.

generous

i have the best neighbor. his name is george. when it snowed for 3 days straight (ok, maybe just one) a few weeks ago, i came home to this. never fails. the snow has barely stopped falling and george is out shovelling our sidewalk and steps.

this morning at 5:15, i go out to scrape the layers of snow and ice of my car.* i open the door and who do i see? george. digging my car out and scraping it. at 5:15am!! because he knows that i leave at 5:30. are you kidding me?

generous, i tell you. extravagant, even. undeserved like grace, but oh so welcome.

i learned a lot about generosity this week. over and over. and then some more.

*it actually wasn't my car. it was the kautzi's car. which they loaned to me, in the middle of a snowstorm, with a sicky baby in tow. because my car is in the shop, getting detailed, for free. because i spilled chili all over it.

see what i mean about generous? over and over and over.

joy

amy and i laughing hysterically. which results in my mouth wide open and my eyes disappearing. i can't help it, and really, i actually love it.

photo by becca spears

every january i try to set a word, or intention for the year. generally it comes out of the blue and i just roll with it. last year i don't remember having a word, but i felt like it was going to be a hard, pruning year. note to self. if you set an intention of "pruning" don't be surprised if God does just that. :)

this year my word is joy.

i just decided that this year would be marked with JOY. the laugh so hard you cry, joy. the i can't believe how absolutely incredible God is, joy. the delight in the little things, joy.

sometimes joy comes easy. and sometimes it has to be fought for. sometimes i can see it coming from a mile away, and other times it comes in the least of expected places. and sometimes its just not there.

i was reading "Into the Wild" this morning and was reminded of this, of where joy comes from. i get a little nervous about being inspired by a book where the main character drops everything to wander into the alaskan woods, and then dies. lord knows i don't need any inspiration to drop everything and head west. but what alex wrote struck me.

"you are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. it is in everything and anything we might experience. we just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living.

my point is that you do not need me or anyone else to bring this new kind of light into your life. it is simply waiting out there for you to grasp it, and all you have to do is reach for it. The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances." -into the wild, jon krakauer

there are those times when joy is just hard. when i'm trying to search frantically for it and it takes everything i have not to cuss, (and usually end up cussing anyway), much less to find joy in anything. probably because i'm pretty consumed with myself in those moments. i think that's what alex is getting at in his letter to ron. That when we're wrapped up with ourselves, its no surprise that joy is hard to find. but when we open our eyes to people around us, when we choose to live life a little differently, when we chose to do the hard, unfamiliar things, joy surprisingly floods in.

its hard work. these new things. this unfamiliar life. holy, is it ever! but to me, its worth it. joy is worth it.

"... ride out to victory, defending truth, humility, and justice. go forth and perform awe-inspiring deeds! ... you love justice and hate evil. therefore God, your God, has anointed you, pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else." psalm 45:4&7

yup. that sounds about right.

jump

last night at church glen was speaking on believing God and told a story from our time in colorado. One night after dinner i was hanging with ben and emri (my favorite little person ever) and he stood her up on the stairwell banister, which was about 4 feet off the ground. At first he was holding onto her and her eyes were wide, and a little frightened. then he started to let go and back away. she started to whimper 'no', eyes wide, shaking, seemingly terrified. but then she locked eyes with her daddy, smiled huge and jumped into his open arms. pure delight. she squealed and protested "again". they did this a few more times.

photo of emri & ben : jewel anderson

i remember standing there when emri was in the midst of deciding if ben was really not going to let her fall. i looked at her with tears in my eyes and wanted to scoop her up, off the banister. and hold her safe. as if i knew better than her DAD. but i just stood there, watching the scene unfold.

There was something in that moment that struck me. i KNEW ben was going to catch her. ironically, once last year i was falling down some stairs and he caught me. so it wasn't that i didn't believe he would catch her. i think i was afraid that she wouldn't believe he'd catch her.

i wanted to save her from that fear.

i wanted to save me from that fear.

see, i don't do anything i'm not sure, absolutely positive, i'll succeed at. thankfully i'm randomly good at a fair number of things, so i can keep this game going for a while, everyone thinking i'm taking huge risks and trusting God.

but the reality is fear has crippled me. i've stood on the banister, eyes wide, shaking a little, whimpering "no".

where did i get the idea that my Daddy wasn't going to catch me? That if i jumped He'd turn his back, ready to catch everyone else, BUT me? friends, those are some pretty JACKED thoughts.

As with most things, it's a choice. A month ago i decided to choose to believe God. to take him at his word. to choose to believe that i am who he says i am, that he can do what he says he can do. that he's generous and a giver. that he gives good gifts. to me.

"the lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. o lord of heaven's armies, what joy for those who trust in you."
psalm 84:11-12

all it took was em looking in her daddy's eyes and she knew he'd catch her. All we, shoot, all i, need to do is look into my Daddy's eyes and know that he's going to catch me.

all i need to do is jump.

remembering

i've always been that girl. the one with the crazy memory for pointless details. not only can i remember exactly when we met (3ish years ago), i'll also remember what you were wearing (that maroon sweater) and what we talked about in our first conversation (isaiah 30). believe me, this gets awkward when i remember things and bring them up later. in my head everyone remembers those details, apparently not. obviously this also makes me a GREAT teammate in any sort of trivia game.

but then there are things that i have a really hard time remembering. you know. the important things. like the conversation we had 30 minutes ago. what did you say again? or how faithful the lord has been. wait, wasn't it just yesterday i believed that promise? funny how our minds work like that.

so i'm trying to work on remembering. in the moment. to have the time span between situation-lies-truth decrease significantly. i want something to happen have my first response be truth. remembering promises and His faithfulness.

a few years ago kerri introduced me to the idea of stacking stones. It's found in Joshua 4.

We will use these stones to build a memorial. in the future your children will ask you, 'what do these stones mean?' then you will tell them, 'They remind us that the jordan river stopped flowing when the ark for the Lord's covenant went across' these stones will stand as a memorial among the people of israel forever. josh 4:6-7

their family has a bowl full of stones to remind them of the ways the lord has been faithful. Ker has even started blogging to help them (and us) remember how the Lord has been faithful.

as with most things, i'm following her lead. i don't want to forget what the Lord has done. i want to remember i want to go back and remind myself over and over and over again, if i have to.

so here we are. remembering.

for my birthday kerri had the beautiful idea for everyone to write something that i was on a stone. so i could keep them and remember. photo cred: my awesome roommate bethany

merry christmas from THE MAN*

Half our team is in kc, the other half in luxembourg. every year we take a christmas picture so they know who they're talking to. or who they're frustrated with. depends on the day. ;)





*my friends like to joke around that I work for the Man. anytime anyone asks what i do, i have two friends in particular (bless their hearts) who respond before i can, "she works for THE MAN." they think it's funny, i reply back and start dropping numbers, amounts they can't even begin to register. it's a clever little game we like to play.

hey normal day!

29 blackstreet

sometimes i search out some big grand thing. i create some incredible moment that will top all other moments. the BEST.EVER. if you will.

and those are great, and i really, really love them. but i also love the normal ones.

the plain white t-shirt and scarf days.

sometimes, those are my favorite.
always, they are sweet to the soul.

i'm excited about the normalcy of today!

31 days

i'd say i'm a pretty unique looking person. most everyone else says so too. not in a bad way (i don't think), just in the way that not very many people know very many six foot tall girls with long red hair. shoot, i don't know any other tall redheads. wait. i do know one! and she's beautiful.

Here's what happens with redheads. we're used to being the only ones. so when we see another, much less one with the exact same color hair, or height or whatnot, we stare. And then we (or maybe it's just me) strike up conversation. generally about our hair. or how beautiful they are. At least that's what I did to Jessie. I was sitting next to hear at The Big Table and said "hi jessie. I'm anna. I've noticed you at jacobs well before. just got excited about another tall redhead. your hair is beautiful". yep. welcome to awkward.

but its not awkward. its actually really awesome. because that's pretty much how susannah and i met. She came up to me one day after the gathering and immediately commented on my hair. see, suz and i have the same hair. well. the same color. her's is short and saucy. mine long and wild.

we also have the same crooked smile.

and only dress up as redheaded characters on halloween.

Annie and Ariel (you know. when she first got legs on the beach and Scuttle wraps her up in a sail? favorite costume to date!)

Mrs. Incredible and Hott Donna from That 70s Show

we also look incredible in the same colors, and tend to often dress alike.

AND, the probably the most exciting, we have the SAME BIRTHDAY! Now, this generally would be no big deal, i know lots of friends with the same birthday. But when your birthday is on New Years Eve, it's a big deal. Those without NYE birthdays will probably never understand our excitement for finding someone like us. Those with Valentines birthdays come about the closest.

New Years Eve might be the most awkward day of the year. its the day to take stock in what your year amounted too. successes, failures, washes. its also the day you start thinking about the next year, what adventure is to come, just around the corner. And then there are the parties, which are generally AWESOME and involve party dresses, confetti, dancing and noisemakers. but then there's midnight. which goes back to awkward. enough said about that. moral of the story: as incredible as the parties are, they are generally never about us. you know. the who were born?!?! overshadowed by the whole world celebrating new beginnings. travesty!

so its an awkward day in general. MUCH LESS having that as your birthday. Needless to say, it feels great to share that lament with someone. So we decided this year, forget birthdays. not even birthweek. we're going for a whole birthMONTH baby! 31 days of pure unadulterated celebration.


So, sus(anna)h, on the first day of december, happy birthMONTH to us!!

for amy .

dear friends. go here now.
i promise it will be worth it . a million times over .
i have lots i could say about her . and how much i love her .

but it would be raw .
and beautiful .
and full of inside jokes that no one would get .

so here are some words i didn't write . but they're grand . and perfect for today .

Thank you. Thank you, and keep going. Please keep writing songs. Please keep believing in music, because we do, and we need it, and specifically, we need yours. we need the sounds and words and rhythms of hope and longing and beauty. We need the drums and the strings and the haunting twist of your voice. we need the poetry of your lyrics and the spirit and force of your sounds. We're desperate for great music, and there's so much out there, but never enough. We're desperate for great storytellers, great painters, great dancers, great cooks, because art does something nothing else does. Art slips past our brains straight into our bellies. it weaves itself into our thoughts and feelings and the open spaces in our souls, and it allows us to live more and say more and feels more. great eart says the things we wished someone would say out loud, the things we wish we could say out loud.

- shauna niequist : cold tangerines

thank you . stormy one .

a little mumford for your monday

Mumford & Sons - The Banjolin Song / Awake my soul from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

mumford&sons. in an alley. in paris. in french. be still my heart.

every monday should start like this.

the prettiest city in two states

Monday afternoon I drove my roommate to the airport so she could fly home for some #famthanx. We were deep in discussion, about something trivial I'm sure, as I drove right by the exit i was supposed to take. It wasn't a big deal, we'd just take the next exit, which happens to be the one I take to get to work. We took a quick jaunt through the northwest corner of downtown, me pointing out my office, Bethany asking what certain buildings were. We were stopped at the intersection of 12th and Broadway, the sun glinting sharply off the high rise windows of the financial district. Bethany squinted as she looked up and took a long pause, "I'm so glad to be right here right now. In downtown. Drinking roasterie coffee, in a roasterie mug. I'm excited to see my family, but I just really love kansas city".

I looked around at the buildings that I drive by every day, generally paying no notice to, and agreed.

Sometimes I lament that I work downtown. In a cube. For The Man. But then sometimes the sun rises just perfectly Serengeti like over the river and literally takes my breath away. Or the clouds spend a day pretending they're mountains, taunting me every time I get up from my desk. Sometimes, working downtown isn't actually that bad. Sometimes, I actually just really love it.

growing .

parker fitzgerald

i've been thinking about this alot lately. growing.

there are so many times i want to appear as arrived. fully grown. that i've got it all together. i want to look nice and presentable not a care in the world. why yes, i did bake that apple pie, from scratch, while wearing a cocktail dress and heels. this facade generally doesn't last very long. it quickly unravels, ending up a heap on the floor. all the while, i'm left scrambling trying to cover myself.

this revealing. being revealed. its hard stuff. owning the places that i'm broken is even harder. sharing my scars, letting the cool air on them, isn't easy, it's terrifying actually. But it's also deeply healing. my story, as crazy and random and inconsequential as i think it is, really matters. my pain and my broken places matter. not only for me, but for those who I share my life with. my story points to a bigger Story. my hope points to a greater Hope. my pain points to some really awesome Redemption. my playing dress up only points to me.

"There is nothing small or inconsequential about our stories. There is in fact nothing bigger. And when we tell the truth about our lives-the broken parts, the secret parts, the beautiful parts-the Gospel comes to life, an actual story about redemption, instead of abstraction and theory and things you learn in sunday school"

Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

most days it's not so clear where i'm at, or even where i'm headed. what it doesn't require - a whole lot of dressing up. it does require growing.

yeah, it was about like that

source

Way to take one for the team 'lil bro!

And yes, our basketball season starts tonight as well. You can actually watch it on ESPN.

GO STATE!

diamond earrings

I'm wearing diamond earrings today. Which isn't necessarily worth noting. Except-I don't like diamonds. Hear that boys? I.don't.like.diamonds. But these earrings were a gift from a dear friend/old roommate natasha. What? Your roommates don't buy you diamond earrings?!?!?

See, I dated a guy for three and a half-ish years in high school/college. I'm sure by Christmas of my freshman year of college I was begging for an engagement ring. Let's be honest. I was probably asking for one well before that. We'd been dating for about 3 years at this point. I mean, totally a respectable time to start asking for such gifts.

I don't remember what I got that year.

And the next year was hard. As it sometimes gets. And we just started going through the motions of dating. And drifting apart. I do remember what I wanted for that Christmas, diamond earrings. I figured I wasn't getting a ring anyway, and if worst came to worst, at least I'd have a pair of diamond earrings.

We celebrated Christmas in combination with my birthday (such is the life of being born a week after Christmas) that year. And he handed me a little wrapped box. "yes! diamond earrings!!!" I thought as I started to unwrap it.

Not diamond earrings. A diamond ring. My heart sank. At this point I knew we probably wouldn't last long and how I felt when I saw the ring confirmed that. Before you label me as a complete jerk and worst.person.ever I did get over my initial feeling, smiled huge and slipped that puppy on my finger. For about 2 months, until we broke up.

I told this story to Natasha one day. And then forgot about it. Until one birthday/Christmas combo she hands me a little box. 5 years after the first little box. I opened it. Diamond earrings.

I don't wear them often. but when I do, the sparkle surprises me. The little glint reminds me that sometimes really good gifts take a little while. And that I do have the absolute BEST friends in the world!!!

don't give up

Don't Give Up! from Ben Welstead on Vimeo.

These are my friends. ben and renee. they're really stinkin awesome! and really freaking amazing photographers. and really bad ass wiffleball players. they also really, really, really love each other. and others too. they're becoming foster parents. to siblings. so that the siblings don't get separated. they also really love haiti. see, stinkin awesome!

i stumbled across this slide show a few weeks or so ago. confession. i watch it about once a day (at least). i'm not sure what exactly it is? probably the laughter and the joy. and the deep hope that comes with that. maybe the depth of renee's eyes? telling years of stories in just one frame. and the tears. ohmystars, the tears. the tears of years of life lived together. i can't even imagine what that's like but my throat tightens every time.

i don't know a whole lot about marriage. but i love this three and a half minute snapshot of it. the beauty. the realness. that only comes from dancing in the minefields and sailing in the storm...

(photo cred: the parsons)

my most favorite things

its tuesday evening. a breezy, fall one at that. i'm drinking my first ever iced coffee. the roasterie windows are open. sigh. fall is my favorite. for so many reasons. mainly because i slow down. i open my eyes and realize how blessed i am. this usually leads to me finding a million "new" favorite things. maybe they aren't that new after all? maybe they are, but none the less. i get really excited about them.

. like goat cheese. pretty sure that the way to my heart is through goat cheese.

. and wine.

. her too. glory be. like pirouettes drifting...

. and twinkle lights. best invention ever! especially when they're hung outside.

. over a big table.

amys iphone

. and eating by candlelight when the transformer blows and the twinkle lights go out.

. and getting woken up by little boy whispers. and karate chops. and french phrases.

. running in the coolness, but still warm enough to wear a tank top and get tan.

. baking. and lots of it.

. while wearing a vintage apron. in the last 2 weeks, i've baked 4 apple pies, one batch of pumpkin cookies, and a loaf of banana bread. my house smells heavenly.

. reading. all.day.long.

. this book. amazing. probably my favorite read this year. go buy it immediately!!

. my favorite reading chair (i have a reading chair!!!) that used to belong to a dear friend.

. open windows.

. while its raining.

. my pajama pants. that actually aren't even mine. i don't own any pajama pants. weird. i know. which makes me love them more. a dear friend let me borrow them when i stayed at her house, and i literally run home and change into them. there is just something so great. so perfect about them. so peaceful and restful. i know sometime i'm going to have to give them back. sigh.


but until then... ;)

why not?

*image found on weheartit

on naming

This is by far my favorite scene in blood diamond. Where a father speaks to his son. Speaks to his deep heart, the heart that longs to be fully known. He knows his name. He reminds him where he belongs, what he loves, who loves him. All these things that have been stolen from Dia, his father returns.

I was talking to a friend about redeeming stories. How our stories are being rewritten, beautifully redeemed. Where disappointment has been known, encouragement floods in. Beauty for ashes. Blessing for mourning. Praise for despair. It actually reminded me of being children. Going back to that place before life happened. Running through fields. Playing dress up in bedrooms. Precious hearts that trusted fully and hoped unswervingly.

But we grow up. Life happens. Little by little pieces get stolen. We steal from others. We became afraid to hope. Afraid to dream. Afraid to trust. Somewhere, along the way, we forgot who we were. We forget who we are. We forget our names and we assume new ones. The smart one. The beautiful one. The dependable one. The needy one. The one that's not enough. The one that's too much.

We've forgotten our names.

But our Father looks at us. Straight in the eye. And reminds us.

And you will be given a new name by the Lords own mouth. The LORD will hold you in his hand for all to see-a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called "the forsaken city" or "the desolate land" your new name will be "the city of God's delight" and "the bride of God". isaiah 62:2-4

He reminded me today.

. annaelyse .

enter the new country

"You have an idea of what the new country looks like. Still, you are very much at home, although not truly at peace, in the old country. You know the ways of the old country, its joys and pains, its happy and sad moments. You have spent most of your days there. Even though you know that you have not found there what your heart most desires, you remain quite attached to it. It has become part of your very bones.

Now you have come to realize that you mus leave it and enter the new country, where your Beloved dwells. You know that what helped and guided you in the old country no longer works, but what else do you have to go by? you are being asked to trust that you will find what you need in the new country. That requires the death of what has become so precious to you: influence, success, yes, even affection and praise.

Trust is so hard, since you have nothing to fall back on. Still trust is what is essential. The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable.

It seems that you keep crossing and recrossing the border. For a while you experience real joy in the new country. But then you feel afraid and start longing again for all you left behind, so you go back to the old country. To your dismay, you discover that the old country has lost its charm. Risk a few more steps into the new country, trusting that each time you enter it, you will feel more comfortable and be able to stay longer" -Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

"The LORD your God will soon bring you into the land he swore to give you..."deut 6:10

just how I roll

Last night one of my friends asked if I wanted to come to Lawrence and go to banff. Always game for an adventure it took me about 3 seconds to decide. HECK yes. But I needed to get a ticket. I call first thing in the morning. They say they're sold out. hmmm. surely not.

So I go over to graham's house and we take off to Lawrence. He's got a ticket. I don't, but I'm just throwing all in, hoping I can find one.

We stop by his friends house. He said last night they announced that both fri and sat were totally, completely, absolutely SOLD OUT.

SUCK.

Determined to not let the lack of ticket ruin my day, I just decide to call friends and see if they want to hang out. I get a hold of my friend Nat who asks why I'm in Lawrence "well, I'm hoping to get tickets to banff, but they're sold out". It just so happens that her roommate works for the bike shop sponsoring the film fest. So Nat shoots a text to Katherine.

Katherine says she'll ask around. She goes into work at 1. Right after she gets there a guy walks up to the register. He has two tickets he doesn't need. And he's wondering if there is any way he can sell them back. She takes them and calls Natalie.

I just bought the last two tickets to a sold out show. because that's how i roll.