jump

last night at church glen was speaking on believing God and told a story from our time in colorado. One night after dinner i was hanging with ben and emri (my favorite little person ever) and he stood her up on the stairwell banister, which was about 4 feet off the ground. At first he was holding onto her and her eyes were wide, and a little frightened. then he started to let go and back away. she started to whimper 'no', eyes wide, shaking, seemingly terrified. but then she locked eyes with her daddy, smiled huge and jumped into his open arms. pure delight. she squealed and protested "again". they did this a few more times.

photo of emri & ben : jewel anderson

i remember standing there when emri was in the midst of deciding if ben was really not going to let her fall. i looked at her with tears in my eyes and wanted to scoop her up, off the banister. and hold her safe. as if i knew better than her DAD. but i just stood there, watching the scene unfold.

There was something in that moment that struck me. i KNEW ben was going to catch her. ironically, once last year i was falling down some stairs and he caught me. so it wasn't that i didn't believe he would catch her. i think i was afraid that she wouldn't believe he'd catch her.

i wanted to save her from that fear.

i wanted to save me from that fear.

see, i don't do anything i'm not sure, absolutely positive, i'll succeed at. thankfully i'm randomly good at a fair number of things, so i can keep this game going for a while, everyone thinking i'm taking huge risks and trusting God.

but the reality is fear has crippled me. i've stood on the banister, eyes wide, shaking a little, whimpering "no".

where did i get the idea that my Daddy wasn't going to catch me? That if i jumped He'd turn his back, ready to catch everyone else, BUT me? friends, those are some pretty JACKED thoughts.

As with most things, it's a choice. A month ago i decided to choose to believe God. to take him at his word. to choose to believe that i am who he says i am, that he can do what he says he can do. that he's generous and a giver. that he gives good gifts. to me.

"the lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. o lord of heaven's armies, what joy for those who trust in you."
psalm 84:11-12

all it took was em looking in her daddy's eyes and she knew he'd catch her. All we, shoot, all i, need to do is look into my Daddy's eyes and know that he's going to catch me.

all i need to do is jump.