Thursday, December 23, 2010
*my friends like to joke around that I work for the Man. anytime anyone asks what i do, i have two friends in particular (bless their hearts) who respond before i can, "she works for THE MAN." they think it's funny, i reply back and start dropping numbers, amounts they can't even begin to register. it's a clever little game we like to play.
Friday, December 10, 2010
sometimes i search out some big grand thing. i create some incredible moment that will top all other moments. the BEST.EVER. if you will.
and those are great, and i really, really love them. but i also love the normal ones.
the plain white t-shirt and scarf days.
sometimes, those are my favorite.
always, they are sweet to the soul.
i'm excited about the normalcy of today!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Here's what happens with redheads. we're used to being the only ones. so when we see another, much less one with the exact same color hair, or height or whatnot, we stare. And then we (or maybe it's just me) strike up conversation. generally about our hair. or how beautiful they are. At least that's what I did to Jessie. I was sitting next to hear at The Big Table and said "hi jessie. I'm anna. I've noticed you at jacobs well before. just got excited about another tall redhead. your hair is beautiful". yep. welcome to awkward.
but its not awkward. its actually really awesome. because that's pretty much how susannah and i met. She came up to me one day after the gathering and immediately commented on my hair. see, suz and i have the same hair. well. the same color. her's is short and saucy. mine long and wild.
we also have the same crooked smile.
and only dress up as redheaded characters on halloween.
Annie and Ariel (you know. when she first got legs on the beach and Scuttle wraps her up in a sail? favorite costume to date!)
Mrs. Incredible and Hott Donna from That 70s Show
we also look incredible in the same colors, and tend to often dress alike.
AND, the probably the most exciting, we have the SAME BIRTHDAY! Now, this generally would be no big deal, i know lots of friends with the same birthday. But when your birthday is on New Years Eve, it's a big deal. Those without NYE birthdays will probably never understand our excitement for finding someone like us. Those with Valentines birthdays come about the closest.
New Years Eve might be the most awkward day of the year. its the day to take stock in what your year amounted too. successes, failures, washes. its also the day you start thinking about the next year, what adventure is to come, just around the corner. And then there are the parties, which are generally AWESOME and involve party dresses, confetti, dancing and noisemakers. but then there's midnight. which goes back to awkward. enough said about that. moral of the story: as incredible as the parties are, they are generally never about us. you know. the who were born?!?! overshadowed by the whole world celebrating new beginnings. travesty!
so its an awkward day in general. MUCH LESS having that as your birthday. Needless to say, it feels great to share that lament with someone. So we decided this year, forget birthdays. not even birthweek. we're going for a whole birthMONTH baby! 31 days of pure unadulterated celebration.
So, sus(anna)h, on the first day of december, happy birthMONTH to us!!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
i promise it will be worth it . a million times over .
i have lots i could say about her . and how much i love her .
but it would be raw .
and beautiful .
and full of inside jokes that no one would get .
so here are some words i didn't write . but they're grand . and perfect for today .
Thank you. Thank you, and keep going. Please keep writing songs. Please keep believing in music, because we do, and we need it, and specifically, we need yours. we need the sounds and words and rhythms of hope and longing and beauty. We need the drums and the strings and the haunting twist of your voice. we need the poetry of your lyrics and the spirit and force of your sounds. We're desperate for great music, and there's so much out there, but never enough. We're desperate for great storytellers, great painters, great dancers, great cooks, because art does something nothing else does. Art slips past our brains straight into our bellies. it weaves itself into our thoughts and feelings and the open spaces in our souls, and it allows us to live more and say more and feels more. great eart says the things we wished someone would say out loud, the things we wish we could say out loud.- shauna niequist : cold tangerines
thank you . stormy one .
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I looked around at the buildings that I drive by every day, generally paying no notice to, and agreed.
Sometimes I lament that I work downtown. In a cube. For The Man. But then sometimes the sun rises just perfectly Serengeti like over the river and literally takes my breath away. Or the clouds spend a day pretending they're mountains, taunting me every time I get up from my desk. Sometimes, working downtown isn't actually that bad. Sometimes, I actually just really love it.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
i've been thinking about this alot lately. growing.
there are so many times i want to appear as arrived. fully grown. that i've got it all together. i want to look nice and presentable not a care in the world. why yes, i did bake that apple pie, from scratch, while wearing a cocktail dress and heels. this facade generally doesn't last very long. it quickly unravels, ending up a heap on the floor. all the while, i'm left scrambling trying to cover myself.
this revealing. being revealed. its hard stuff. owning the places that i'm broken is even harder. sharing my scars, letting the cool air on them, isn't easy, it's terrifying actually. But it's also deeply healing. my story, as crazy and random and inconsequential as i think it is, really matters. my pain and my broken places matter. not only for me, but for those who I share my life with. my story points to a bigger Story. my hope points to a greater Hope. my pain points to some really awesome Redemption. my playing dress up only points to me.
"There is nothing small or inconsequential about our stories. There is in fact nothing bigger. And when we tell the truth about our lives-the broken parts, the secret parts, the beautiful parts-the Gospel comes to life, an actual story about redemption, instead of abstraction and theory and things you learn in sunday school"
most days it's not so clear where i'm at, or even where i'm headed. what it doesn't require - a whole lot of dressing up. it does require growing.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Friday, October 08, 2010
See, I dated a guy for three and a half-ish years in high school/college. I'm sure by Christmas of my freshman year of college I was begging for an engagement ring. Let's be honest. I was probably asking for one well before that. We'd been dating for about 3 years at this point. I mean, totally a respectable time to start asking for such gifts.
I don't remember what I got that year.
And the next year was hard. As it sometimes gets. And we just started going through the motions of dating. And drifting apart. I do remember what I wanted for that Christmas, diamond earrings. I figured I wasn't getting a ring anyway, and if worst came to worst, at least I'd have a pair of diamond earrings.
We celebrated Christmas in combination with my birthday (such is the life of being born a week after Christmas) that year. And he handed me a little wrapped box. "yes! diamond earrings!!!" I thought as I started to unwrap it.
Not diamond earrings. A diamond ring. My heart sank. At this point I knew we probably wouldn't last long and how I felt when I saw the ring confirmed that. Before you label me as a complete jerk and worst.person.ever I did get over my initial feeling, smiled huge and slipped that puppy on my finger. For about 2 months, until we broke up.
I told this story to Natasha one day. And then forgot about it. Until one birthday/Christmas combo she hands me a little box. 5 years after the first little box. I opened it. Diamond earrings.
I don't wear them often. but when I do, the sparkle surprises me. The little glint reminds me that sometimes really good gifts take a little while. And that I do have the absolute BEST friends in the world!!!
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
These are my friends. ben and renee. they're really stinkin awesome! and really freaking amazing photographers. and really bad ass wiffleball players. they also really, really, really love each other. and others too. they're becoming foster parents. to siblings. so that the siblings don't get separated. they also really love haiti. see, stinkin awesome!
i stumbled across this slide show a few weeks or so ago. confession. i watch it about once a day (at least). i'm not sure what exactly it is? probably the laughter and the joy. and the deep hope that comes with that. maybe the depth of renee's eyes? telling years of stories in just one frame. and the tears. ohmystars, the tears. the tears of years of life lived together. i can't even imagine what that's like but my throat tightens every time.
i don't know a whole lot about marriage. but i love this three and a half minute snapshot of it. the beauty. the realness. that only comes from dancing in the minefields and sailing in the storm...
(photo cred: the parsons)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
. like goat cheese. pretty sure that the way to my heart is through goat cheese.
. and wine.
. her too. glory be. like pirouettes drifting...
. and twinkle lights. best invention ever! especially when they're hung outside.
. over a big table.
. and eating by candlelight when the transformer blows and the twinkle lights go out.
. and getting woken up by little boy whispers. and karate chops. and french phrases.
. running in the coolness, but still warm enough to wear a tank top and get tan.
. baking. and lots of it.
. while wearing a vintage apron. in the last 2 weeks, i've baked 4 apple pies, one batch of pumpkin cookies, and a loaf of banana bread. my house smells heavenly.
. reading. all.day.long.
. this book. amazing. probably my favorite read this year. go buy it immediately!!
. my favorite reading chair (i have a reading chair!!!) that used to belong to a dear friend.
. open windows.
. while its raining.
. my pajama pants. that actually aren't even mine. i don't own any pajama pants. weird. i know. which makes me love them more. a dear friend let me borrow them when i stayed at her house, and i literally run home and change into them. there is just something so great. so perfect about them. so peaceful and restful. i know sometime i'm going to have to give them back. sigh.
but until then... ;)
Friday, September 24, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
This is by far my favorite scene in blood diamond. Where a father speaks to his son. Speaks to his deep heart, the heart that longs to be fully known. He knows his name. He reminds him where he belongs, what he loves, who loves him. All these things that have been stolen from Dia, his father returns.
I was talking to a friend about redeeming stories. How our stories are being rewritten, beautifully redeemed. Where disappointment has been known, encouragement floods in. Beauty for ashes. Blessing for mourning. Praise for despair. It actually reminded me of being children. Going back to that place before life happened. Running through fields. Playing dress up in bedrooms. Precious hearts that trusted fully and hoped unswervingly.
But we grow up. Life happens. Little by little pieces get stolen. We steal from others. We became afraid to hope. Afraid to dream. Afraid to trust. Somewhere, along the way, we forgot who we were. We forget who we are. We forget our names and we assume new ones. The smart one. The beautiful one. The dependable one. The needy one. The one that's not enough. The one that's too much.
We've forgotten our names.
But our Father looks at us. Straight in the eye. And reminds us.
And you will be given a new name by the Lords own mouth. The LORD will hold you in his hand for all to see-a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called "the forsaken city" or "the desolate land" your new name will be "the city of God's delight" and "the bride of God". isaiah 62:2-4
He reminded me today.
. annaelyse .
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Now you have come to realize that you mus leave it and enter the new country, where your Beloved dwells. You know that what helped and guided you in the old country no longer works, but what else do you have to go by? you are being asked to trust that you will find what you need in the new country. That requires the death of what has become so precious to you: influence, success, yes, even affection and praise.
Trust is so hard, since you have nothing to fall back on. Still trust is what is essential. The new country is where you are called to go, and the only way to go there is naked and vulnerable.
It seems that you keep crossing and recrossing the border. For a while you experience real joy in the new country. But then you feel afraid and start longing again for all you left behind, so you go back to the old country. To your dismay, you discover that the old country has lost its charm. Risk a few more steps into the new country, trusting that each time you enter it, you will feel more comfortable and be able to stay longer" -Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love
"The LORD your God will soon bring you into the land he swore to give you..."deut 6:10
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Last night one of my friends asked if I wanted to come to Lawrence and go to banff. Always game for an adventure it took me about 3 seconds to decide. HECK yes. But I needed to get a ticket. I call first thing in the morning. They say they're sold out. hmmm. surely not.
So I go over to graham's house and we take off to Lawrence. He's got a ticket. I don't, but I'm just throwing all in, hoping I can find one.
We stop by his friends house. He said last night they announced that both fri and sat were totally, completely, absolutely SOLD OUT.
Determined to not let the lack of ticket ruin my day, I just decide to call friends and see if they want to hang out. I get a hold of my friend Nat who asks why I'm in Lawrence "well, I'm hoping to get tickets to banff, but they're sold out". It just so happens that her roommate works for the bike shop sponsoring the film fest. So Nat shoots a text to Katherine.
Katherine says she'll ask around. She goes into work at 1. Right after she gets there a guy walks up to the register. He has two tickets he doesn't need. And he's wondering if there is any way he can sell them back. She takes them and calls Natalie.
I just bought the last two tickets to a sold out show. because that's how i roll.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Needless to say. I think we lasted about 10 minutes before I was screaming and begging to leave. My six year old sister sat there unfazed (similar to the time a year before when we had to be evacuated from a hotel due to a bomb scare, that she slept right though. I, on the other hand, cried through the rest of the night.)
So we left. My dad still teases me about that day. And I still hate spiders. My seething hate of them has made me a master spider killer.
Yesterday I decided it was finally time to mow the lawn. Another thing I hate, mowing the lawn. I've done it since I was ten (hmmm. ten was apparently a pivotal year in developing a hatred of things). And I just don't like doing it, probably solely on principal of wanting a guy to do yard work, and the fact that I've done it for 18 years. Future husband-let it be known, you will probably be the one mowing the lawn.
The lawn mower is in the basement/garage. Which I found out yesterday, when I went down there, has become a vacation spot for spiders of all kinds. I screamed no less than 5 times as I walked through web after web trying to get to the mower. I make a mental note to call our landlord and have someone come out and exterminate the varmints.
I suck it up. Brave the webs. Hold my breath as the demon cricket spiders jump all around my feet and get the mower out. I mow the lawn (It really wasn't that bad. I still don't love it) and put the mower back up. I run the gauntlet of webs and demon crickets and spiders vacationing and make it back upstairs without screaming. I only thought I was done dealing with spiders for the day.
As I'm crawling into bed around midnight, I look over at my wall and there is a HUGE spider just hanging out. I fly out of bed and grab the nearest thingtokillaspiderwith, a folder I had next to my bed. I was pretty thankful at this point that I hadn't cleaned my room super well, as the spider was blocking the path to my shoes. I grab the folder and try to hit the spider, keeping my cool.
Then scream. Loud.
You NEVER want to miss a spider on your first try. Your chances of killing it after that decrease exponentially.
He's startled and starts scurrying down the wall. Now, I'll be damned if I'm going to have a killer spider running around my room. My second attempt was successful, and he was soon flushed down the toilet (I take no chances). That's another thing said future husband will do-kill spiders.
This morning I was telling my cube mate about it, and he assured me it was a wolf spider Nope. Not him. It could have been one of these guys or maybe him? (shudder) Maybe it was just my own personal friendly Charlotte?
Regardless. Landlord has been called. Done and done.
Friday, August 13, 2010
I'm a planner. Which is actually a nice way of saying I really, really like to have control of my life. My friend told me last week to turn off my "N" (intuitive-gotta love Myers Briggs) and be a little more "S" (sensory), living life now, not looking so far out and working my way back. He nailed it. How will this decision I make now look in two weeks, 6 months, 5 years? And if I can't see it, or don't like the way I think it will look, I don't do it.
What I have found though is that the COOLEST things happen when I DON'T plan. When I just go with the flow, to be all cliche. point taken.
So I've decided to let go of the life I've planned...eh...controlled. And to just live. Every.single.moment. I'm not sure exactly what that looks like, but then again, I guess that's the point. :)
Friday, June 25, 2010
Elizabeth Gilbert says it this way in her book Eat Pray Love:
Here's what I caught myself thinking about in meditation this morning. I was wondering where I should live once this year of traveling has ended. I don't want to move back to New York just out of reflex. Maybe a new town, instead. Austin is supposed to be nice. And Chicago has all that beautiful architecture. Horrible winters, though. Or maybe I'll live abroad. I've heard good things about Sydney ... If I lived somewhere cheaper than New York, maybe I could afford an extra bedroom and then I could have a special meditation room! That'd be nice, I could paint it gold. Or maybe a rich blue. No, gold. No, blue...
Finally noticing this train of thought, I was aghast. I thought: Here you are in India, in an Ashram in one of the holiest pilgrimage sites on earth. And instead of communing with the divine, you're trying to plan where you'll be meditating a year from now in a home that doesn't yet exist in a city yet to be determined. How about this, you spastic fool-how about you try to meditate right here, right now, right where you actually are?
The Lord says it this way.
"only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength." -isa 30:15
(my friend, Hope, praying on the roof of an ashram we visited while in India)
Thursday, June 17, 2010
5:40am. Standing in line with Crystal and Justin for the free Mumford and Sons show at the Firefly. The line stretches down the block and around the corner. Justin wanted to camp out to make sure we'd make it in, Crystal didn't think that would be necessary. We make it in. Barely.
1:40am. Leaving westport with Crystal after a post show hang with Ben Lovett and Ted Dwane, of Mumford and Sons. Really sweet guys. Really sweet accents.
Hell of a day! ;)
part two to follow. when I get my pictures uploaded. and after I get some sleep.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
The other night at the Gathering KB sang a "new" song. The lyrics started, "all this pain, I wonder if I'll ever find my way ... ". Bethany and I looked at each other and practically squealed! Back in March this was a just a really sweet song. Back in March I doubt if either of us were ready to receive the fullness of it and the reality it calls out. Well, probably Bethany was, I sure wasn't. I sat there during the message writing the lyrics over and over. Willing them into my heart. They have a whole new meaning this side of June.
Three months later. Sunday. A little dusty, a little weary, and worse for wear. In the throes of transition. " ... hope is springing up from this old ground ... " :)
"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone ... the season of singing has come ... Arise, come my darling; my beautiful one, come with me." Song of Solomon 2:10-13
Friday, May 28, 2010
When they asked Philippe Petit why he wanted to walk on a slender wire strung between the two tallest towers in NYC, everyone thought he did it for money, for publicity, for fame. but he said, 'If I see three oranges, I have to juggle. And if I see two towers, I have to walk.'
We don't believe the most meaningful answer.
His is the true answer. Why do you love her? When I saw her I loved her. Why are you a priest? Because I must be a priest. Why do you pray? Because when i see God, I must pray. There is an inner must, an inner urge, or inner call that answers all those questions which are beyond explanation. Never does anyone who asks a monk why he became a monk receive a satisfying answer. Nor do children give us an explanation when we ask them why do you play ball?' They know that there is no answer except, 'When I see a ball, I have to play with it.'" The Genesee Diary, Nouwen
I often feel the urge to explain, re-explain and over-explain everything. I MUST be fully understood. There can be no chance for miscommunication. But, I have to wonder, how much that striving to tie things up in a nice (albeit generally messy) package actually looses authenticity. We don't need reasons. We don't need nice, tidy packages. We need those unexplainable, beautiful, meaningful answers!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Then I moved to Kansas. Where I discovered fall and winter. Leaves and snow and rain and gray days. I was so over the sun. All I wanted to do was listen to the rain, run in it, curl up inside with a book, PERFECT. Then my fam moved to Seattle. jackpot for a rainy day lover like myself! All those things. All the time. Well, at least for the 2 week stints I'd visit them in.
This spring has been abnormally gray and chilly and rainy. And while I love, love, love those days-over the last week its started to wear on me. I just want to be outside. In the sun. Without a cardigan on.
Today its 75 degrees. and sunny. going on a run and then laying out at loose park.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Friday, May 07, 2010
She's been done with school since December and working for a while, but decided to walk in the spring. Donna was coming in yesterday, so late Wednesday night we decided it was time to clean our house.
No house cleaning is complete without a little "Party in the USA" and "Paper Planes", I mean, we do it right on Lydia. I was cleaning the kitchen as Bethany walked by, I caught a quick glance of her.
me: "you look older"
bethany: (stops and smiles) "like more mature? grown up?"
me: "yes. its your eyes"
She smiles, and walks back to the bathroom to resume the oh so glamourous task of toilet scrubbing. Not 30 seconds later she screams. The sound one would make if say a very large rat ran across their foot. I freak out and yell to make sure she's ok. Her response is a squeal and comes running around the corner to tell me a story.
For the next few minutes both of us are screaming, giggling and jumping up and down in our kitchen.
more mature? grown up? Yes, its your heart.
LOVE you girl! Proud of you!!!!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Anyway. It had been a while since I ran 5 miles outside, Kansas winters generally tie me to a treadmill from november until april (not this year. I'm totally buying ice spikes). Since the weather has been warm for about a month, I've really had no excuse to not be running long runs. (5 miles is no where near a long run. But its longer than 3 miles, which is what I've been hitting lately)
I'll save all my insightful thoughts on my runs for another post, and leave you with the less than insightful ones today.
I live at 51st and Troost. The top of a hill. 63rd and Troost is in the valley. 67th and Troost the top of another hill. 71st, a valley. 75th the top. Running hills SUCKS. Especially with a headwind. Yesterday was some cruel joke when I SWEAR the wind changed direction where I ran up every hill with a headwind. I never caught a break.
After 5 years of serious running I finally perfected the right nostril snot rocket. All you non-runners might find this gross, but seriously, its actually so much less gross than other blowing-on-the-run alternatives. Still working on the left side. The nose ring makes it slightly more difficult.
I LOVE running by Friendship Chinese Restaurant at 65th. The combo of chinese food, exhaust, and the heat rising off the pavement instantly takes me back to China.
I almost caused an accident yesterday. A dude pulled out of the Popeye's lot and onto troost. He craned his head to stare at me (a tall white girl running on troost is somewhat of a spectacle) and missed that the car infront of him had stopped. He braked in time, barely. ha.
I miss being able to run fast, hopefully I get my speed back. sooner than later.
It takes about 4 miles for my legs to remember what they're supposed to do while running. Then at the magical 4 mile mark I find my stride and its beautiful. That's probably the reason I suck at 5k's!
6 months until this baby!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Then yesterday I was near the end of my run (on Troost) and ran by a convenience store. I try to make it a point on my runs to make eye contact and say hi to everyone I cross paths with. Its one little thing that helps me feel present in my neighborhood. Like I'm not just running through, I actually belong here. I'm going to say hi. anyway. There was a man leaning on the pay phone booth outside and I smile at him and say hi as I run by. I have my ipod in and I see him say something, which I assume is "how are you?" So I reply "great, how are you?" then he continues to talk, so I slow down and take out my ear buds and he says "no. I said how OLD are you?" I chuckle and reply "28". He then puts his hand to his ear like a phone and mouths "call me". I laugh and continue my run.
Really? Does this really work for these guys?
"no. I actually don't have a man. would you be my man?" or how about "What number should I call you at? The phone booth number? ok. great talk to you soon." ha!
*I don't have a man. But in that situation I'm not above stretching the truth a little. I know men. and those men were getting ready for church. we were taking my car to church which is why i was at the gas station in the first place.
Thursday, April 08, 2010
- learned what a catalytic converter does and just how much it costs to replace
- tripped down the stairs only to be caught by my friend who was holding his 2 year old daughter in his other arm. he was walking up the stairs, I was falling down. and he caught me, while holding his daughter.
- been reminded of just how much i freaking LOVE my community, and how much they freaking love me too :)
- surrendered to the fact that my car was going to cost A LOT to make it driveable. not totally fixed, but able to get from point a to point b.
- been blown away by my coworkers. I got no fewer than 4 numbers of different mechanics that they knew and trusted to fix my car for me.
- inherited 2 new brothers. Their names are clay and BRob. They are the two guys I sit with. Its nice to have brothers (i have one legit one. he's the BEST). Who tell you to get second opinions. Who fist pump with you when you think your catcon (yeah. we're on an abreeves basis after today) is covered by warranty. Who hang their head with you when you realize its not. And then affirm that you're just having the worst day ever. i LOVE these guys.
- freaked out when the second opinion is A LOT less than A LOT and is actually affordable :)
- seen two people legitly being arrested. handcuffed and all. welcome to the neighborhood.
- fallen more in love with said neighborhood. there.are.tulips.everywhere
- decided that a 5 mile run is just good for my spirit
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
"oh no" she cried. "You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the high places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised." "no", the Shepard said, "It is not a contradiction, only a postponement for the best to become possible"
"You really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why? It may be months, even years before that path leads back to the mountains again. O Shepard, do you mean it is an indefinite postponement?"
He bowed his head silently and Much Afraid sank on her knees at his feet almost overwhelmed. He was leading her away from her hearts desire all together and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back. (Hinds Feet in High places, Hannah Hurnard)
"Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame maybe not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb 12:12-13
My broken limbs are being set and healed in the wilderness. In the flat desert. Its not fun. But its beautiful. Waiting for the best to become possible. And one day the path will turn and I will be brought to the mountain. And I will be able to run.