hope .

my life is a little scattered lately. and by a little, i really mean a whole heck of a lot. there isn't much that feels normal. or stable. or consistent. and the things that are, i'm clinging to them for dear life. like a wood plank in the middle of rapids. or what i assume rapids would feel like. this is what i was surrounded by saturday night.


in the midst of chaos, i'm clinging to hope.

i'm clinging to it with everything i've got right now.

on friday night a few friends and i went to vintage in lawrence for their good friday service. the pastor, seth, challenged us to think of a short phrase of what hope is to us. i lost the little sheet we were handed when we walked in, so i just started writing in my journal.

my hope:
that you don't abandon me. that you're right there leading me-that you've prepared a place for me. that i fit. that i belong. that in your suffering you've created a place for my heart to be me. fully me. quirky. alive. silly. emotional. intense. my hope is that you've gone before me. you know and have brought me to this. you knew what you were doing when you created me and i delight you

everyone who hadn't lost their papers in the 5 min we were supposed to hold onto them, then passed them to the ushers. after a few more songs, they wheel out a cross with everyone's papers tacked to a cross. seth talked about what the original good friday was like to the disciples. everything they had believed in, everything that they had trusted, and hoped in was on the cross. He asked us to think what it would have been like if we didn't know that sunday was coming. if what we had written down was dissolved right in front of us.

i looked back in my journal and fought back tears.

i absolutely can't imagine if i didn't have hope.

and that's the difference between then and now. is that i know the end of the story. i don't need to run and hide on friday because i know that my God is alive! and that my hope is secure in him.

i know all this sounds overly dramatic, and i'm well aware that not everything in my life is shifty. it just feels that way. i'm packing up a home that has been lovely for the last 14 months. putting things in boxes not really knowing where i'm going. closing one chapter, a little unsure of what the next one holds. its a little unsettling, to say the least. living in a half packed home, is just awkward. and annoying. so its really no surprise to me that this week, these verses have brought hope. and stability.

"be strong and courageous! don't be afraid for the lord your God will personally go ahead of you. he will neither fail, nor abandon you..." deut 31:6

"i've picked you. i haven't dropped you. don't panic. i'm with you. there is no need to fear, for i'm your God. i'll give you strength. i'll help you. i'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you" isa 41:9-10"

"and the peace i give is a gift the world cannot give. so don't be troubled or afraid." john 14:27

(exhale)

"so take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees..." heb 12:12

(inhale)

its sunday. and i'm excited! real excited! because i DO have hope. and Christ. and promises that i can believe. and and incredible friends, who are letting me live in guest rooms, and storing my stuff. friends who remind me who i am. what's true about me. what's true about Jesus.

i have no idea whats next.

"...yet i still dare to hope" lamentations 3:21

remembering

i've always been that girl. the one with the crazy memory for pointless details. not only can i remember exactly when we met (3ish years ago), i'll also remember what you were wearing (that maroon sweater) and what we talked about in our first conversation (isaiah 30). believe me, this gets awkward when i remember things and bring them up later. in my head everyone remembers those details, apparently not. obviously this also makes me a GREAT teammate in any sort of trivia game.

but then there are things that i have a really hard time remembering. you know. the important things. like the conversation we had 30 minutes ago. what did you say again? or how faithful the lord has been. wait, wasn't it just yesterday i believed that promise? funny how our minds work like that.

so i'm trying to work on remembering. in the moment. to have the time span between situation-lies-truth decrease significantly. i want something to happen have my first response be truth. remembering promises and His faithfulness.

a few years ago kerri introduced me to the idea of stacking stones. It's found in Joshua 4.

We will use these stones to build a memorial. in the future your children will ask you, 'what do these stones mean?' then you will tell them, 'They remind us that the jordan river stopped flowing when the ark for the Lord's covenant went across' these stones will stand as a memorial among the people of israel forever. josh 4:6-7

their family has a bowl full of stones to remind them of the ways the lord has been faithful. Ker has even started blogging to help them (and us) remember how the Lord has been faithful.

as with most things, i'm following her lead. i don't want to forget what the Lord has done. i want to remember i want to go back and remind myself over and over and over again, if i have to.

so here we are. remembering.

for my birthday kerri had the beautiful idea for everyone to write something that i was on a stone. so i could keep them and remember. photo cred: my awesome roommate bethany

growing .

parker fitzgerald

i've been thinking about this alot lately. growing.

there are so many times i want to appear as arrived. fully grown. that i've got it all together. i want to look nice and presentable not a care in the world. why yes, i did bake that apple pie, from scratch, while wearing a cocktail dress and heels. this facade generally doesn't last very long. it quickly unravels, ending up a heap on the floor. all the while, i'm left scrambling trying to cover myself.

this revealing. being revealed. its hard stuff. owning the places that i'm broken is even harder. sharing my scars, letting the cool air on them, isn't easy, it's terrifying actually. But it's also deeply healing. my story, as crazy and random and inconsequential as i think it is, really matters. my pain and my broken places matter. not only for me, but for those who I share my life with. my story points to a bigger Story. my hope points to a greater Hope. my pain points to some really awesome Redemption. my playing dress up only points to me.

"There is nothing small or inconsequential about our stories. There is in fact nothing bigger. And when we tell the truth about our lives-the broken parts, the secret parts, the beautiful parts-the Gospel comes to life, an actual story about redemption, instead of abstraction and theory and things you learn in sunday school"

Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

most days it's not so clear where i'm at, or even where i'm headed. what it doesn't require - a whole lot of dressing up. it does require growing.

on naming

This is by far my favorite scene in blood diamond. Where a father speaks to his son. Speaks to his deep heart, the heart that longs to be fully known. He knows his name. He reminds him where he belongs, what he loves, who loves him. All these things that have been stolen from Dia, his father returns.

I was talking to a friend about redeeming stories. How our stories are being rewritten, beautifully redeemed. Where disappointment has been known, encouragement floods in. Beauty for ashes. Blessing for mourning. Praise for despair. It actually reminded me of being children. Going back to that place before life happened. Running through fields. Playing dress up in bedrooms. Precious hearts that trusted fully and hoped unswervingly.

But we grow up. Life happens. Little by little pieces get stolen. We steal from others. We became afraid to hope. Afraid to dream. Afraid to trust. Somewhere, along the way, we forgot who we were. We forget who we are. We forget our names and we assume new ones. The smart one. The beautiful one. The dependable one. The needy one. The one that's not enough. The one that's too much.

We've forgotten our names.

But our Father looks at us. Straight in the eye. And reminds us.

And you will be given a new name by the Lords own mouth. The LORD will hold you in his hand for all to see-a splendid crown in the hand of God. Never again will you be called "the forsaken city" or "the desolate land" your new name will be "the city of God's delight" and "the bride of God". isaiah 62:2-4

He reminded me today.

. annaelyse .