pickin' me a boquet of dogwood flowers

the longest i've ever lived in one place was a little stucco duplex at ft. bragg, nc. we moved there when i was 8. 1990. i remember it was like 3 weeks before school ended. and they made me go to the last 3 weeks of 2nd grade. at a totally new school. with the meanest teacher i've ever had. she didn't like my handwriting-and would tell me so, every single day. we lived in that same house until the end of 7th grade. 1995. 5 years.

the housing area (military speak for neighborhood) we lived in was safe, so we were given free reign to pretty much do whatever we wanted. just as long as we were in by the time the street lights turned on. we'd ride our bikes, pretending they were horses galloping through the fields. i can't tell you how many forts i built. or the 'houses' we made out of pine needles. or the number of times i almost fell off the rope swing and into the creek. every year on the last day of school we'd have a shaving cream/pine cone fight. i know. weird. we'd get off the bus, run to our backyards to get the cans of shaving cream our mom's had left out and go at it. when you ran out of shaving cream you just started throwing pine cones. i lived outside. we all did.

a week and a half ago i was back in the land of the pines. i hadn't been back in 16 years. i was there for a wedding. my first friend, jenna's, actually. we met when i was in 5th grade, she in 6th. she liked the boy who liked me. she told me that it was ok, and i could have him, because she wanted to be friends with me more than she wanted to date him. and 16 years later i stood next to her as she married the man of her dreams.

it was the most surreal thing-the whole weekend. most army kids don't have life long friends they keep in touch with. we hadn't seen each other since high school. it didn't matter. it instantly felt familiar. safe. like i had wandered into a dream. her wedding was at the college she went to, where we had gone to camp one summer. montreat college, nestled deep in the mountains. it was literally a dream. those dreams that you're not sure if you're awake or asleep. it seems too perfect for you to be awake...but its so real-you have to be.

her family loves well. really, really well. and it was all sorts of southern culture at its best. i'm sure i blew through all of the southern social cues. and i'm also fairly certain they didn't quite know what to do with a feisty red head from kansas city. but we covered those miscues and awkward moments with lots of wine and lots of food. and laughter. dang. i laughed more than i have laughed in a long, long time.

the last night i was there looked around the room. kids a few years out of college. retired generals who had fought in multiple wars. wives. sisters. mothers. brothers. friends. all playing the craziest game of catch phrase ever. harassing each other like best friends. like family. because we were. in the military your friends ARE your family.

as i drove down the mountain on the way back to the airport i smiled through tears. smiling at the scent of pines as i drove down the highway. smiling as i continued to remember stories about growing up with jenna. smiling as i remembered times with my family there. holidays. and vacations. and daily life. tears fell softly as i drove further and further away from a place that loved me well that weekend. that had always loved me well. they say you can never go home again. and i beg to differ.

granted, i'll be the first to admit that when the longest you've lived in one house is 5 years, your concept of home is gonna be pretty jacked. but when you breathe in deeply, mountain air and feel the most alive you've felt. and then exhale and feel like all the peace in the world is yours, that counts.

so a week and a half later i'm still reconciling it all. trying to figure it all out and trying to not think about it. untangling the strings. untying the knots. and then retying some. letting it be what it is. letting me be who i am.

(and wouldn't you know i didn't take one photo. shoot.)

LIFE=good stories

preface: i'm a horrible, absolutely awful story teller. just ask my friends. this one time i told "the worst story ever" and i think the teasing has finally stopped, about a year later. i'll start a story and forget names, and places, and more details than were imaginable. and yet, i really, really love good stories. I generally try to live a good story, even if i can't recount the details later. ;)

i have friends who are telling good stories.

last week my friends graham, kyle, abby and chris (well, i don't really know chris, buuuut he runs with this crew, so he's probably stellar. hi chris, nice to meet you.) launched their company, LIFE=. they've been working on it for a good while now, but it officially launched with a what else, but a launch party. because you know its not official until there is a party.

i was excited about this party because i love these guys. and i love their product (for real, its awesome) and i love what they're about. "a better you creates a better world" so.so.true. BUT i get up every morning at 4:30. and work for 8 hours. and then go on a run. so by about 7:30, i'm beat. for sure not gearing up for a party. i knew i didn't have a whole lot of energy left to give people. as i walked in, i felt the strongest sense that i wasn't there to talk, to half tell stories i couldn't remember, but to listen. so that's what i did.

i heard stories about my friends who are living in a church in the middle of a part of town known as the murder factory named for just the culture of violence that is bred there. they're newly weds sharing ONE bathroom with 4 other couples and two single girls. They have a heart for the city. and the people who live there. They're developing relationships with their neighbors. loving up on the kids running the streets. praying for change, redemption, and seeing it happen. being a part of it happening. friends, i don't have an innate bent for the inner city, but after talking with them for 30 minutes, i was so filled with encouragement and excited for what they're doing! the lives they're living. the stories they're writing.

they left and i caught up with another friend, who has just gone through a really hard season. over the last year, he's seen his hopes, his dreams slip through his fingers like sand. now, he knows enough to know that "it was for the best" but its still painful. i was talking to him a few months ago, asking what was new and he shared a new adventure that might be happening. i asked him what it was. he didn't want to tell me, in case it didn't happen. and he was tired of telling people and everything falling through. i totally understood. but last week. i sat next to him and i got to hear dream after dream after dream being fulfilled in his life. more than he could have expected. it was beautiful. where he could have given up, resigned to always getting the short end, he pressed in. and he's doing the dang thing! His joy and peace are palpable. when everything felt stacked against him, he chose to believe a better story.

as i was walking out, an old friend was just coming in. Well, he's not an old friend, we haven't even known each other a year, but i feel like we've been friends forever. see, he started/help start the community i'm a part of. the community that has taught me about identity. and and mission. how to love well. and how to be loved well. he was there long before i was, and laid foundation that i don't think we'll ever know the full scope of. so over this year, he's talked about his heart getting pulled, between his job and his passions. His job that he didn't absolutely, completely love was draining him for the work that he felt really called to. it wasn't working. so he decided to switch it up. change departments. go part time. have more time to invest in the community he's a part of now. a community that knows that change happens through life on life relationships. sharing stories.

i really didn't know what to expect at this party. didn't know who was going to be there. or what it was going to be like. i thought i was going there to support my friends. cheer them on. remind them that the hard work, the hard year has been worth it. life was going to = me encouraging others. how tragic would that have been if that's all that i would have been present for.

i'm so glad i heard that still, small voice telling me to listen. i'm so glad i actually listened. amazing, really incredible things are happening all around us. in our lives, in our friends lives, in strangers lives. There are good stories being written over and over and over. there are stories being redeemed. beautiful stories coming out of the dust. are our lives telling those stories? better yet, are we listening to them?

what does LIFE= for you?

day of awesomeness

so i've got this confession. i really love The OC. like, really love it. i started watching it when i was in china (and actually judged the M's who got me hooked. the first episode we watched was the one where julie is sleeping with marissa's (her daughter) ex-boyfriend, luke. um. we were missionaries why were we watching this trash? ha.

it only took me about a week of being home to burn through the first 2 seasons.

now, i'm not saying it's a wholesome show. or that it has a good message. or anything like that. but i'm ALL about character development, and how characters change over the course of a book, movie, tv show. teen melodrama is full of characters developing. juvie to Berkley. fashionista to activist. see, all sorts of development.

Diane hadn't been enlightened to the wonder that is the oc when she first moved in with me and rachel. So we decided, lets take a saturday and spend it watching the oc. and the "day of awesomeness" was born. Diane came over at 9 with coffee and bagels. and we started watching. at about 2 we would take a break to go walk to the village for more coffee (pumpkin spice latte anyone?). At about 7 we'd pause and Rachel would make her famous homemade pizza. We'd generally quit at about 1am. 15 hours. of watching the oc.

yup. awesome.

we did this every now and then until we had watched all 4 seasons.

and then diane went to chicago and reconnected with a boy who was actually FROM the oc. she came back and i asked "how was it?" i had been praying the whole time that she would fall madly in love with him. She looks at me with this sly grin and says "well. at one point we were sitting on the sofa. and if he would have turned his head 30 degrees, i totally would have made out with him".

diane and jon got married on saturday. it was wonderful. i was that girl who wept through the whole ceremony. it couldn't have been more perfectly them. their lives and friends intersected and meshed beautifully. and i got to meet and become BFF's with people i had previously only heard stories about. steel spine jarret. trader joe's bill. betsy.

the ultimate day of awesomeness.

diane. i love you. i'm so happy you finally listened to all of us and married jon.

remembering

i've always been that girl. the one with the crazy memory for pointless details. not only can i remember exactly when we met (3ish years ago), i'll also remember what you were wearing (that maroon sweater) and what we talked about in our first conversation (isaiah 30). believe me, this gets awkward when i remember things and bring them up later. in my head everyone remembers those details, apparently not. obviously this also makes me a GREAT teammate in any sort of trivia game.

but then there are things that i have a really hard time remembering. you know. the important things. like the conversation we had 30 minutes ago. what did you say again? or how faithful the lord has been. wait, wasn't it just yesterday i believed that promise? funny how our minds work like that.

so i'm trying to work on remembering. in the moment. to have the time span between situation-lies-truth decrease significantly. i want something to happen have my first response be truth. remembering promises and His faithfulness.

a few years ago kerri introduced me to the idea of stacking stones. It's found in Joshua 4.

We will use these stones to build a memorial. in the future your children will ask you, 'what do these stones mean?' then you will tell them, 'They remind us that the jordan river stopped flowing when the ark for the Lord's covenant went across' these stones will stand as a memorial among the people of israel forever. josh 4:6-7

their family has a bowl full of stones to remind them of the ways the lord has been faithful. Ker has even started blogging to help them (and us) remember how the Lord has been faithful.

as with most things, i'm following her lead. i don't want to forget what the Lord has done. i want to remember i want to go back and remind myself over and over and over again, if i have to.

so here we are. remembering.

for my birthday kerri had the beautiful idea for everyone to write something that i was on a stone. so i could keep them and remember. photo cred: my awesome roommate bethany

hey normal day!

29 blackstreet

sometimes i search out some big grand thing. i create some incredible moment that will top all other moments. the BEST.EVER. if you will.

and those are great, and i really, really love them. but i also love the normal ones.

the plain white t-shirt and scarf days.

sometimes, those are my favorite.
always, they are sweet to the soul.

i'm excited about the normalcy of today!

31 days

i'd say i'm a pretty unique looking person. most everyone else says so too. not in a bad way (i don't think), just in the way that not very many people know very many six foot tall girls with long red hair. shoot, i don't know any other tall redheads. wait. i do know one! and she's beautiful.

Here's what happens with redheads. we're used to being the only ones. so when we see another, much less one with the exact same color hair, or height or whatnot, we stare. And then we (or maybe it's just me) strike up conversation. generally about our hair. or how beautiful they are. At least that's what I did to Jessie. I was sitting next to hear at The Big Table and said "hi jessie. I'm anna. I've noticed you at jacobs well before. just got excited about another tall redhead. your hair is beautiful". yep. welcome to awkward.

but its not awkward. its actually really awesome. because that's pretty much how susannah and i met. She came up to me one day after the gathering and immediately commented on my hair. see, suz and i have the same hair. well. the same color. her's is short and saucy. mine long and wild.

we also have the same crooked smile.

and only dress up as redheaded characters on halloween.

Annie and Ariel (you know. when she first got legs on the beach and Scuttle wraps her up in a sail? favorite costume to date!)

Mrs. Incredible and Hott Donna from That 70s Show

we also look incredible in the same colors, and tend to often dress alike.

AND, the probably the most exciting, we have the SAME BIRTHDAY! Now, this generally would be no big deal, i know lots of friends with the same birthday. But when your birthday is on New Years Eve, it's a big deal. Those without NYE birthdays will probably never understand our excitement for finding someone like us. Those with Valentines birthdays come about the closest.

New Years Eve might be the most awkward day of the year. its the day to take stock in what your year amounted too. successes, failures, washes. its also the day you start thinking about the next year, what adventure is to come, just around the corner. And then there are the parties, which are generally AWESOME and involve party dresses, confetti, dancing and noisemakers. but then there's midnight. which goes back to awkward. enough said about that. moral of the story: as incredible as the parties are, they are generally never about us. you know. the who were born?!?! overshadowed by the whole world celebrating new beginnings. travesty!

so its an awkward day in general. MUCH LESS having that as your birthday. Needless to say, it feels great to share that lament with someone. So we decided this year, forget birthdays. not even birthweek. we're going for a whole birthMONTH baby! 31 days of pure unadulterated celebration.


So, sus(anna)h, on the first day of december, happy birthMONTH to us!!

for amy .

dear friends. go here now.
i promise it will be worth it . a million times over .
i have lots i could say about her . and how much i love her .

but it would be raw .
and beautiful .
and full of inside jokes that no one would get .

so here are some words i didn't write . but they're grand . and perfect for today .

Thank you. Thank you, and keep going. Please keep writing songs. Please keep believing in music, because we do, and we need it, and specifically, we need yours. we need the sounds and words and rhythms of hope and longing and beauty. We need the drums and the strings and the haunting twist of your voice. we need the poetry of your lyrics and the spirit and force of your sounds. We're desperate for great music, and there's so much out there, but never enough. We're desperate for great storytellers, great painters, great dancers, great cooks, because art does something nothing else does. Art slips past our brains straight into our bellies. it weaves itself into our thoughts and feelings and the open spaces in our souls, and it allows us to live more and say more and feels more. great eart says the things we wished someone would say out loud, the things we wish we could say out loud.

- shauna niequist : cold tangerines

thank you . stormy one .

diamond earrings

I'm wearing diamond earrings today. Which isn't necessarily worth noting. Except-I don't like diamonds. Hear that boys? I.don't.like.diamonds. But these earrings were a gift from a dear friend/old roommate natasha. What? Your roommates don't buy you diamond earrings?!?!?

See, I dated a guy for three and a half-ish years in high school/college. I'm sure by Christmas of my freshman year of college I was begging for an engagement ring. Let's be honest. I was probably asking for one well before that. We'd been dating for about 3 years at this point. I mean, totally a respectable time to start asking for such gifts.

I don't remember what I got that year.

And the next year was hard. As it sometimes gets. And we just started going through the motions of dating. And drifting apart. I do remember what I wanted for that Christmas, diamond earrings. I figured I wasn't getting a ring anyway, and if worst came to worst, at least I'd have a pair of diamond earrings.

We celebrated Christmas in combination with my birthday (such is the life of being born a week after Christmas) that year. And he handed me a little wrapped box. "yes! diamond earrings!!!" I thought as I started to unwrap it.

Not diamond earrings. A diamond ring. My heart sank. At this point I knew we probably wouldn't last long and how I felt when I saw the ring confirmed that. Before you label me as a complete jerk and worst.person.ever I did get over my initial feeling, smiled huge and slipped that puppy on my finger. For about 2 months, until we broke up.

I told this story to Natasha one day. And then forgot about it. Until one birthday/Christmas combo she hands me a little box. 5 years after the first little box. I opened it. Diamond earrings.

I don't wear them often. but when I do, the sparkle surprises me. The little glint reminds me that sometimes really good gifts take a little while. And that I do have the absolute BEST friends in the world!!!

don't give up

Don't Give Up! from Ben Welstead on Vimeo.

These are my friends. ben and renee. they're really stinkin awesome! and really freaking amazing photographers. and really bad ass wiffleball players. they also really, really, really love each other. and others too. they're becoming foster parents. to siblings. so that the siblings don't get separated. they also really love haiti. see, stinkin awesome!

i stumbled across this slide show a few weeks or so ago. confession. i watch it about once a day (at least). i'm not sure what exactly it is? probably the laughter and the joy. and the deep hope that comes with that. maybe the depth of renee's eyes? telling years of stories in just one frame. and the tears. ohmystars, the tears. the tears of years of life lived together. i can't even imagine what that's like but my throat tightens every time.

i don't know a whole lot about marriage. but i love this three and a half minute snapshot of it. the beauty. the realness. that only comes from dancing in the minefields and sailing in the storm...

(photo cred: the parsons)

why not?

*image found on weheartit

just how I roll

Last night one of my friends asked if I wanted to come to Lawrence and go to banff. Always game for an adventure it took me about 3 seconds to decide. HECK yes. But I needed to get a ticket. I call first thing in the morning. They say they're sold out. hmmm. surely not.

So I go over to graham's house and we take off to Lawrence. He's got a ticket. I don't, but I'm just throwing all in, hoping I can find one.

We stop by his friends house. He said last night they announced that both fri and sat were totally, completely, absolutely SOLD OUT.

SUCK.

Determined to not let the lack of ticket ruin my day, I just decide to call friends and see if they want to hang out. I get a hold of my friend Nat who asks why I'm in Lawrence "well, I'm hoping to get tickets to banff, but they're sold out". It just so happens that her roommate works for the bike shop sponsoring the film fest. So Nat shoots a text to Katherine.

Katherine says she'll ask around. She goes into work at 1. Right after she gets there a guy walks up to the register. He has two tickets he doesn't need. And he's wondering if there is any way he can sell them back. She takes them and calls Natalie.

I just bought the last two tickets to a sold out show. because that's how i roll.