preface-i really LOVE the things going on in my life right now and i REALLY, REALLY love my friends here...but...
tonight the gathering was all about sending and going. And i knew it was going to be a rough night. i thought i'd be ok. i was wrong. pretty much there isn't a day that i don't think about being overseas, or think about my friends, or even the things that drove me insane. I didn't love china when i first got there. it was really hot and really smoggy and the long term workers were really weird, that lasted about a day. then i loved it. For the 9 months i was there there was only one day that i wanted to be back in america. one day. out of 270-ish.
the week i left we had a little house church with the students we'd been meeting with all semester. they called it their tuesday get together group. There were about 15 students and 3 workers crammed into a small apartment in the middle of the blazing summer without air conditioning. think about everything you've heard about chinese underground house church...that was it. All the students went around the room sharing how they came to know christ. they were speaking in chinese, so i only caught like every 3rd word, and my name. it was beautiful. MY name was in their stories. beautiful and humbling. i looked at their faces, and it was a montage of my time there. remembering their journies and mine. I left two days later. it was the hardest thing i've ever done. walking away. believing that i was being led back to america, but definately not feeling it.
and understand that He reigns. and that He's moving. I might not be there to see it, or tell the stories but He is continuting to show His glory in the dark places. He doesn't need me. that's really hard too. He's bringing His salvation to that city through those 15 students who get together on tuesdays. who risking future jobs, higher pay, class status, and respect continue to share his love and grace with all those around them.
so here i am. knowing that he's called me to kc for now. and being ok with that. just not knowing the "why". and daily dealing with that. daily laying whatever plans i have for myself on the altar. releasing them. letting go. and that's really hard. but i have to understand that God is in control of this moment. and be obidient to that.