thoughtbites

here are some thoughtbites from my journal from india. i was reading back over it processing through some stuff and things just started to jump out at me...so i started hilighting phrases. and that's what we have here...some thoughts to give you a deep but not so wide picture of what was going on around me, in my heart and in my mind while i was there. So yeah, it's chronological, but obviously there is some backstory to a lot of these pieces but you'll just have to ask me for more details ;)

how do i love them through my fear and insecurities and my feelings of lonliness...how do i look into their lives...we have this amazing opportunity to just be...i just felt home...we were doing stuff and then there was a monsoon...it was just beautiful to see the women and look in their eyes...it left me feeling just really vonurable, open-very easy to penetrate my skin.Father help me to respond in the way that shows your love...I would love to be on a team with them...i need to step back from everything right now...its funny how quickly He bonds my heart with the long term workers in cities...

but i have stilled and silenced my soul like a weaned child from its mother...in the secret of his presence how my soul delights to hide...stop thinking...what just happened was God...singing the name of Jesus over and over...held my hands...He wanted to be with me....You are good..he was like "just be"...but my heart is drawn...that all i want to do right now is forever sit in his presence...a culture i didn't know...it was just good to do some house church....why not just commit to whenever..."im career"...where to go...stew daddy...hopeful longing eyes...India is the country with (argueably) the greatest population of Mus....i get to see carolyn in like 10 hours....yeah i'm all over that...to surrender it to you Jesus...a woman who before was not known as upstanding. But Jesus made her righteous...

Through the words of the most disrespected woman in the community, people believed...possibly losing respect in the eyes of others...I bet she had never been saught after...No one would look her in the eye before Jesus and then they were listening to her stories and BELIEVING...my stomach is in knots...unbridled hope...butterflies abound..."be it to me like these animals if I do not fulfull my promise to you"...Like he doesn't ask me to walk through the path with him. he walks it alone...its not dependent on me at all...thinking about that warms my heart and encourages it. like even that thought and the lump is gone! and i'm smiling...it is well...I will wait with peace...I don't want to figure it out...

faithful to his promises...peace about my future...peace about his love....another reminder...she didn't like how Jesus wasn't married. she was just so open...not a god of confusion...totally have a motorcycle if i lived here...big sob in my throat-i think once i can get through it then i will be able to rejoice...i long to chat with amanda...do i see the joy set before me? or do i see a really hard life...i don't need to do the hard thing...its not just something i'd like to do-but its what i feel you made me for. are you really asking me to die to that?...the people i really want to love i almost can't reach without a husband...why...specifically...someone to stand between them and me...I hope that i'm obidient-that's the big thing...has made me remember....super weak...no power, more so no independence...one thing that i've thought was interesting is this time choosing to believe God...peace that I've felt has been out of control...being crazy enough to pray BIG things and believing that He answers prayers....I want to remember them often...like i just want everyone i know to be praying...

God has really affirmed me as a woman over this trip. LIke i feel like I could be worth something. In a country where women are degraded to pieces of meat to be oogled-I've felt almost more, i don't know, loved. but I've felt more worthy than I EVER have. Especially in var. The faces of the people were soft there. I felt home. completely comfortable, alive, energized, like i haven't felt. despite the heat and stench-and darkneww, it just felt like home. LIke familiar-almost calling to me. Beconing me. refreshed. The reality of life there. the POTENTIAL for life there...maybe i'm amazed.