so i'm not limping anymore. which is a good thing-i think. As much as i liked the "reminder" i actually like not being in pain a little better. hmm. i hope that i don't need the limp to remember this...
Over the last oh i don't know how long i've had issues grasping the fact that i'm loved. broken friendships and relationships, shattered trust, gossip; they all contributed to the lie that no one really loved me, i was just merely tolerated. The way i responded to every situation reflected that idea about myself. I spent more time rationalizing why people were doing what they were doing and trying to convince them that they really didn't want to hang out with me, then i did actually enjoying whatever we were doing. This definetely carried over to my view of God. I didn't see Him as a lover, someone who i could love and who loved me.
One weekend near the end of this summer i had a HUGE breakthrough of truth and finally accepted the fact that I was loved by God and could love him with my whole heart (it's a really beautiful story, but that's another post, for another time). For about 2 weeks i was solid. i couldn't stop smiling-i was seeing everything through the lense of a beloved daughter. it was amazing. Then over time that weaned. the lies started seeping back into my mind and heart and it was a battle to not let them take over. I don't know if i've ever faught so hard in my life as i did in those moments. thankfully this time around i had a firm grip on the truth and was never fully consumed, as i had been in the past.
when i started telling people about my race, i did it more out of excitement and anticipation then anything else. So when my friends told me they were coming to watch me-i blew it off. 7 am on a saturday. standing outside for 2 hours just to watch me run by. yeah right. who does that? but friday night they remind me that they're coming. maybe they weren't just saying it to be nice.
i start off the race anxious. one of my biggest fears being that i don't know where they will be and i'm embarassingly afraid of needing a walk break right where they are and end up walking by them. lame i know. so i'm running and half scanning the crowd looking for people, consenting to the fact that there is probably no way that i'll be able to see them anyhow, and i just need to forget it.
running through the plaza, i look up and there is joey and ryan. HUGE smiles and waves. my heart catches, nothing about being at the race was convinent for either of them. a mile or so later i come around a corner and there is crystal and her dog gunner. She's jumping up and down running alongside me, yelling encouragment for me. at this point i tear up. really? all that excitement and looking foolish just to encourage me? i get to the finish and there at the end of the chute is wendy bell and two of our young life girls. i'm so excited that they're there i forget to keep moving, which wendy promptly reminds me. so we go to the finish where they boys are standing and just talk. and hug. lots of hugs. i really love hugs. ali tells me i made her cry when i crossed the finish. everyone's proud of me. i try to play it off, it's no big deal, blah blah. but inside i'm praising Jesus for each one of them. They are my blessing. Their love is my blessing. When mile 10 hit and i could barely walk and with every painful step was begging God to show me what he wanted me to remember this phrase is what i got:
you are loved.
henri nouwen says it so beautifully....
"That love that came to you in particular, concrete human friendships and that awakened your dormant desire to be completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic. It does not have to be denied as dangerous and idolatrous. A love that comes to you through human beings is true, God-given love and needs to be celebrated as such... when you try to die to that love in order to find God's love, you are doing something God does not want. The task is not to die to life-giving relationships but ot realize that the love you received in them is part of a greater love...You can and must hold on to the truth of the love you were given and recongize that same love in others who see your goodness and love you"
i am loved.