Wednesday, October 10, 2007

worst. feeling. ever.

so i have this thing with words. i LOVE them. speaking them. reading them. writing them. I take pride in my ability to love people with them and i hate the fact that they can cut so deep sometimes. Words are my crutch. when life gets confusing or hard, i process. rehashing every inarticulate detail to my friends/roommates/anyone who casually asks how i'm doing. if no one is there i journal. pages upon pages upon pages of questioning and pleading and praising. and usually by the end of it, all is well with the world again. funny how that works out...

i've never really had a problem with words, or a lack of them. i was the kid whose desk was pushed up against the chalkboard because if anyone was in 5 feet of me, i'd find something to say to them. even one the first day, in my first class in college i got asked to stay after because i sat in the front row and talked through the entire lecture.

but for some reason the last 3 days i've been at a loss of words. i feel like everything i want to say is caught in my throat. i try to swallow but it does no good, i try to speak and they just won't move. all my words are just sitting there, causing a dull ache. man it sucks. i feel like there is so much to say right now, so much to write but its just not coming out. I wonder if this is anything like Zechariah felt when Gabriel silenced him? I wonder if he had a lot to say during that time that just had to sit in his throat? I can only hope that when the lump is finally gone, i'm like Zechariah and the first thing that i utter is praise!

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