the race part dos

so i'm not limping anymore. which is a good thing-i think. As much as i liked the "reminder" i actually like not being in pain a little better. hmm. i hope that i don't need the limp to remember this...

Over the last oh i don't know how long i've had issues grasping the fact that i'm loved. broken friendships and relationships, shattered trust, gossip; they all contributed to the lie that no one really loved me, i was just merely tolerated. The way i responded to every situation reflected that idea about myself. I spent more time rationalizing why people were doing what they were doing and trying to convince them that they really didn't want to hang out with me, then i did actually enjoying whatever we were doing. This definetely carried over to my view of God. I didn't see Him as a lover, someone who i could love and who loved me.

One weekend near the end of this summer i had a HUGE breakthrough of truth and finally accepted the fact that I was loved by God and could love him with my whole heart (it's a really beautiful story, but that's another post, for another time). For about 2 weeks i was solid. i couldn't stop smiling-i was seeing everything through the lense of a beloved daughter. it was amazing. Then over time that weaned. the lies started seeping back into my mind and heart and it was a battle to not let them take over. I don't know if i've ever faught so hard in my life as i did in those moments. thankfully this time around i had a firm grip on the truth and was never fully consumed, as i had been in the past.

when i started telling people about my race, i did it more out of excitement and anticipation then anything else. So when my friends told me they were coming to watch me-i blew it off. 7 am on a saturday. standing outside for 2 hours just to watch me run by. yeah right. who does that? but friday night they remind me that they're coming. maybe they weren't just saying it to be nice.

i start off the race anxious. one of my biggest fears being that i don't know where they will be and i'm embarassingly afraid of needing a walk break right where they are and end up walking by them. lame i know. so i'm running and half scanning the crowd looking for people, consenting to the fact that there is probably no way that i'll be able to see them anyhow, and i just need to forget it.

running through the plaza, i look up and there is joey and ryan. HUGE smiles and waves. my heart catches, nothing about being at the race was convinent for either of them. a mile or so later i come around a corner and there is crystal and her dog gunner. She's jumping up and down running alongside me, yelling encouragment for me. at this point i tear up. really? all that excitement and looking foolish just to encourage me? i get to the finish and there at the end of the chute is wendy bell and two of our young life girls. i'm so excited that they're there i forget to keep moving, which wendy promptly reminds me. so we go to the finish where they boys are standing and just talk. and hug. lots of hugs. i really love hugs. ali tells me i made her cry when i crossed the finish. everyone's proud of me. i try to play it off, it's no big deal, blah blah. but inside i'm praising Jesus for each one of them. They are my blessing. Their love is my blessing. When mile 10 hit and i could barely walk and with every painful step was begging God to show me what he wanted me to remember this phrase is what i got:

you are loved.

henri nouwen says it so beautifully....
"That love that came to you in particular, concrete human friendships and that awakened your dormant desire to be completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic. It does not have to be denied as dangerous and idolatrous. A love that comes to you through human beings is true, God-given love and needs to be celebrated as such... when you try to die to that love in order to find God's love, you are doing something God does not want. The task is not to die to life-giving relationships but ot realize that the love you received in them is part of a greater love...You can and must hold on to the truth of the love you were given and recongize that same love in others who see your goodness and love you"

i am loved.

the race part one...

i finished the race. I say that only because that is the first question everyone asks me. "did you finish?" in my mind it sounds rediculous but knowing what was going on with my muscles last week, maybe it's not so absurd. When i was talking to a friend last sunday faced with the very real possiblity that i wouldn't be well enough to actually race i made the observation that it might not be about 13.1 miles one october afternoon. Maybe it was about the three months of training leading up to it, maybe it was about coming so close and not running it. I just wanted to be open to what ever purpose God had in it. I forgot that i had even said that until this moment. or maybe it was about the last 3 miles.

"So jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. when the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the soket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "i will not let you go unless you bless me" Genesis 32:24-26

Last week i had a dream and part of it i was fighting with a older man (i thought it was someone's dad). i don't remember much but that it was like hand to hand and i was defending myself. if i didn't fight him, he was going to kill me. I had this dream two nights in a row. After the second night, i emailed my friend (who i always email my crazy dreams to) and she just responded how it reminded her of the story of Jacob wresting with God. interesting.

So saturday i'm cruising along. the weather could not be better. i made a new friend at the start, anne who was amazing! She even waited for me while i had to stop and pee at mile 3. Anyway no problems through mile 4. At the second drink stop i grapped gatoraide and the cup was so full i managed to spill it all over myself. red gatoraide. all over my face, my shirt and my leg. nice. Then i was having problems breathing (stupid activity induced asthma) so i told ann to go ahead and i'd catch up with her later (i never did). The course was beautiful and after the first two hills, relatively flat or downhill. At mile 8 i ate/gagged on my gu. nasty, but it helped keep my energy up. I had put a lot of random songs on my ipod and they seemed to fit perfectly along with my run. like i felt like i was in a movie that had been masterfully sountracked.

mile 10. i had never run further than 10 miles during traning. i was kind of dreading this point. you know. make it or break it time. so i cross the mile 10 marker, look down at my watch and i'm only 2 min off my pace (stupid potty break-never drinking that much before a race again). came to my rescue is on my ipod and at that moment it breaks into "my life be lifted high, my world be lifted high, my love be lifted high". it was such a beautiful moment. my eyes filled up with tears. i ran worshipping Him. Then i stepped and sharp pain shot through my right leg. left. right. pain. so i slowed to a walk. still pain. right on my hip socket.

i put pressure where it hurt and started to run again. Pleading with God to stop the pain. wondering if you needed someone else to lay hands on me for the spirit to heal me or if just my hands and prayers worked. i tried it anyway. swearing if i saw anyone i knew i'd stop and have them pray for me. the pain subsided a little. i continued to run. Then the pain came back. i walked a little more. At this point frustrated with the whole situation i started to get angry. Then i remember what susannah said about Jacob. it was his right hip. i put pressure back on the socket and started to run again. trying to remember the story. Why had God hurt his hip? what was the purpose? eyes welling up again. Ok God, what are you getting at?

The pain came and went for the last 3 miles. sometimes i was able to run for a good 4 min before having to walk. Then there were times where every step i took made me wince, clench my teeth and groan. suck. I managed to run out the last bit and finished in 2:16. i wish it could have been faster, but considering that i'm still limping 2:16 is probs a dang good time.

Jacob's hip was touched and dislocated so that he limped for the rest of his life. every step he took reminded him of the blessing that God had given him. he was never to forget.

i think i've figured out what i'm not supposed to forget...

it sounded like a good idea at the time

Three-ish months ago i decided that I'd run the kc half marathon. I had my hal higdon training schedule and was ready to go. A month into training i'm running one saturday morning and step on a pretty thick rusty wire. Don't ask me how the wire managed to not bend when i ran on it or how i didn't see it. all i know is that i stepped on it, it went through my running shoes and stuck in my foot. i could barely get a grip on it to pull it out. but i did-and continued to run the rest of my 4 miles. Thanks to julie and a perscription of cipro-i survived.

Three weeks after that i'm running at 5:30-in the dark and trip over the most ridiculous patch job of sidewalk i've ever seen. i meant to take a picture and post it but i forgot. we're talking the tar with rocks mixture randomly splattered over 6 feet of sidewalk. and i bit it bad. For better or worse, there was no sliding, just all my weight on my knees and left hand. The gouge on my left palm finally healed a couple of weeks ago.


Then on my last long run before the race, i'm a half mile from home and my whole body cramps. and i NEVER cramp. it started in my calves, which i thought was odd, then spread to my hamstrings and lower back. At this point i slowed my pace and considered walking the last bit. Up my back and around my neck and shoulders. When my forearm started cramping, i gave up and walked. Which is kind of an overstatement. For 17 hours i couldn't stand up straight or move faster than a shuffle. it was horrible.

on sunday, feeling totally selfish and awkward, i asked my friends to pray for me. I didn't know what was going on with my body, but it definately wasn't fun. They prayed what i so desperately needed-rest, and peace, and strength that was not my own. I took the day off on monday to do just that-rest. it was good though i could have used 15 mondays between then and now. What is awesome is the number of people who "just happened to think" of me that day. I felt so covered by and washed over in His grace.

a day and a half out. i think i've felt every emotion under the sun in the last 2 days. Mostly fear. What if i start out too fast? What if my knee gives out? What if i can't get my shoes tied comfortably? (I've been having issues with this lately) what if the hills are too much or there's no wind or 80 year old grandmas pass me? I know. all irrational, but my mind is flooded with them. That and trying to remember everything i've ever heard about racing. alternate between gatoraide and water, eat 2 hours before race time, don't forget your inhaler (dang it-i'm sure i'll forget it. i have all week).

But there have also been moments of feeling like a total b.a. i've trained for this, i know i can do it. I'm totally shooting for a sub 2 hour race. i love the pain and the burn. i do.

Thanks to those of you who kept me accountable-some days knowing you'd ask how my run was was the only reason i ran. To those who saw me trudging up lamar and honked and waved. To those who endured my incessent complaining about my wifebeaters making me chafe. To those who made fun of the fact that i tripped on almost every run i went on. And to those who know this is a big deal, even when i try to play it cool and pretend it's not. You guys are awesome.

13 weeks of training coming down to 2 hours of racing. Here goes nothing...

worst. feeling. ever.

so i have this thing with words. i LOVE them. speaking them. reading them. writing them. I take pride in my ability to love people with them and i hate the fact that they can cut so deep sometimes. Words are my crutch. when life gets confusing or hard, i process. rehashing every inarticulate detail to my friends/roommates/anyone who casually asks how i'm doing. if no one is there i journal. pages upon pages upon pages of questioning and pleading and praising. and usually by the end of it, all is well with the world again. funny how that works out...

i've never really had a problem with words, or a lack of them. i was the kid whose desk was pushed up against the chalkboard because if anyone was in 5 feet of me, i'd find something to say to them. even one the first day, in my first class in college i got asked to stay after because i sat in the front row and talked through the entire lecture.

but for some reason the last 3 days i've been at a loss of words. i feel like everything i want to say is caught in my throat. i try to swallow but it does no good, i try to speak and they just won't move. all my words are just sitting there, causing a dull ache. man it sucks. i feel like there is so much to say right now, so much to write but its just not coming out. I wonder if this is anything like Zechariah felt when Gabriel silenced him? I wonder if he had a lot to say during that time that just had to sit in his throat? I can only hope that when the lump is finally gone, i'm like Zechariah and the first thing that i utter is praise!

roots

It's been 2 years and one week since i have been back from china. I was talking to a friend on sunday and i realized that i had missed my two year statestide anniversary. it seemed appropriate though, being that for the first time really since then, china doesn't define me. Oh, believe me, i have more china stories to tell then time to tell them, and still really love my zhong guo peng yous, but that's just not where God has me right now. For the first time i'm not looking to where i'm headed next. I'm here. I'm home. And it feels awesome.

Put down and cultivate roots. There is no fruit without roots. Roots give us strength. They bring stability when the wind blows. Roots mean we belong. A rootless person is a person who floats through life, never having stayed long enough or committed deep enough to really give himself or herself to a place or a people. Roots give us depth. In times of drought people with roots will survive, even thrive, while others dry up. There are seasons in everyone’s life of dryness. But a person with deep roots draws from the water that flows far beneath the surface. There are different kinds of roots: emotional roots, relational roots, cultural roots, and spiritual roots. Love the place God puts you. Love the people God joins you with. Invest your life in a small community of people where you are known, held accountable, and are loved.-Floyd McClung

i was a running

it makes me laugh that i get up earlier on saturday mornings to run than i do during the week to go to work. But there is just something about the stillness of 5am on a saturday morning. If i could get my whole run in while it was still dark, turning the corner to my house, running into the sunrise, that would be perfect, but alas, that would be a 4am start time-and it's not quite that worth it.

i love how my mind wanders during these runs. usually when i start out, i can clearly see orion on my left and i wonder how in the heck people used to navigte by the stars. or how you can definately tell the yards that don't clean up after their dogs. it's like all my senses are heightened. except of course my sight. a wire stuck in my foot and biting it bad on some shoddy sidewalk repairs would testify that i don't pay attention to what's right in front of me.

anyway. i digress. a couple of weeks ago some friends (who are also training for the half marathon) and i were talking about how fast their paces were compaired to my not as fast pace. one of them made a comment to the effect of in sports and stuff...when it gets hard, guys push harder, and girls give up. we bantered around for a bit discussing the valdity of that statement (case in point of that being totally false, anna chambers!) and it just struck me how easily i give up when stuff gets hard. like the uphill mile stretch between 95th-87th on lamar. on saturday i was determined to make it up the whole thing without giving up when it got hard. knowing how easily i talk myself into just walking from here to the next driveway, i literally had to tell myself that "not today. we're not going to give up today".

whats true in the way that i run, has been soo true in my life recently, especially with friendships. When things get hard, it is SO much easier for me to just walk away. to give up. to not fight. because it's ok, and i'm ok, and i'll survive without them, so lets just deal with it and move on. and it sucks for a little bit, but then i'm ok and on to the next thing/person/whatever.

i talked to one of my best friends last night after not having a legit conversation in over a month. we've both been SUPER busy and just not able to connect. in my head i had rationalized that our friendship had just evolved to the "hey how's it going? good. good. see ya later" and was ok with that. But just in filling her in on my life and being challenged by her and honestly just being in her presence was soo refreshing to my spirit. I had forgotten how well she knew me and my heart. how i didn't have to explain why i am the way i am, she just knew.

i had almost given up. but this time i couldn't walk away. i couldn't just deal with it. my spirit knew what i needed and it ran toward that.

beautiful chaos

holding my breath. at the sound of your voice my heart beats faster. beautiful chaos. The world spinning but my gaze fixed upon you.

stillness.

reaching out-taking my hand steadying me. drawing me in close-righting my world. Your embrace answers all the questions, quiets all the fears.

i breathe again. drawing in a sweet breath. You exhale. speak. giving life-inhale.

the smell of you etched in my mind. The words you speak etched on my heart. i draw in close to hold onto this moment. to not forget anything-the smells-the sounds-the feeling.

you sense my fear and remind me "do not be afraid-I will never leave you"

relentless

"Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it."

Song of Solomon 8:6-7

i love that His love is relentless! and i love that i'm finally beginning to understand that!

i am loved...

so yesterday i was at work, texting a friend back and forth. i asked him how he was doing and he responded that he was blown away by God's amazing knowledge. i thought about that for a bit and responded how I feel God's amazing knowledge of my heart and desires, but have a hard time remembering how well he knows what loves me after the moment passes and life gets more complicated. His reply, "write it down...do whatever it takes! What he is doing should never be forgotten". it seems elementary, and slightly foolish but i figured it was worth a try. some are pretty random, so be fair warned. for your enjoyment (and my remembering), here is some of my list...

*getting hit on though a post-it note left on my car
*falling asleep to the sound of rain (it's my favorite, second to waking up to the sound of rain-ps i really love rain)
*frozen pizza, diet coke, and nerds for dinner EVERY night for the last month (and probably the next coming few as well)
*the fact that my friends only tease me a little about my eating habits
*getting a free pair of oakleys right before running on one of the hottest days of the summer so far
*roommates who listen to me talk about the same things incessantly (and still love me)
*chats that last until 2 am (it wouldn't have been that late if i wouldn't have said the same things over and over-see above)
*physical touch
*encouragement from friends exactly when i need it (that whole perfect timing thing)
*wearing a man's white v neck undershirt to my corporate job today (i am slightly rebellious at times-what can i say)
*being able to see my tattoo through said shirt. it made me smile when i noticed it. :)
*playing volleyball with some pretty stinkin awesome friends every week!
*compliments (even though i'm still learning how to really receive them, they do bless me!)
*early morning texts and emails at work (seriously, want to make my day, this is a surefire way to do it!)

so yeah. that's a random smattering of how I am loved. When i stopped and thought about it, i too was blown away at how well the God of the Universe knows my heart and exactly what makes me feel loved. As i've focused on that, the things of the world have seemed strangely dim. thanks friend!

does this mean I'm an adult?

I'll be the first to admit that although i work in the financial industry and am dealing with the stock market every minute of my day, I know virtually NOTHING worth anything about it. Buy low, sell high is about all I got. It used to not be a huge deal. My coworkers were mostly women in their mid-30's who were more worried about their kids homework than how much their stock tanked that day. so I could evade my whole lack of stock market knowledge, and just talk about their kids. My plan to hide my ignorance was working. That lasted until 2 days ago.

About a month ago I got a promotion, and last week I started my new position in a new group. My new group consists of me, a spunky grandma, and 4 guys from 22-35(we'll post more on the boys another day). Liz (the grandma) used to be a for real trader for some big company in nyc before coming to where we work now, and the other guys, well, they are pretty heavily invested and watch the market like hawks. I think I used all my market knowledge within the first 5 min of our first conversation. They were being sympathetic with my apathy until they found out I hadn't started my 401k.

You would have thought the world was going to end in 5 minutes by their reaction. Oh man. when I first started working here, I was planning on being here no longer than a year, so buying into retirement was the LAST thing on my mind. 2 years later, I had maybe a passing thought, but that's about it. So after a crash course in Roth vs. traditional IRA's and quick assessment of how much i could actually afford to invest in them, I am now planning for retirement?!?!

Crazy I know. Who thinks about that at 25 for real? But according to this handy graph they showed me, I'll be a millionaire by the time I'm 85...

a new perspective...

"When will love ever find me?
All my life all I have craved is to be seen
Who cares anyway?
Cause when it's over all that matters is the love you gave away"

~Rosie Thomas, death came and got me

china moments

Once you've lived overseas two new phrases are bound to enter your speech. (insert country name here) days and (insert country name here) moments. For me china days are days that NOTHING seems to go right, appropriately named in that in china, most days doing even the smallest mundane tasks seemed to take all sorts of energy and paitence. Thankfully i don't have very many of these days.

now china moments, on the other hand, are definately increasing in frequency. especially with smells. I was in a rose garden a couple of weeks ago with a friend and the breeze shifted and it smelled like china. i just stopped and breathed as deep and long as i could, trying to make that smell/feeling last. On the flip side i was walking around the plaza one night with friends and we were at an intersection and again i could have closed my eyes and been in china...funny enough the smell that time was a sewer drain mixed with car exhaust-china smelled like this more often than not.

The question i've really been wresting with lately is if i want to go back to china. you'd think it would be a given, as much as i talk about it, but it really trips me up. I LOVE china. i love chinese people. i love *some* chinese food. I love the fact that it smells like a sewer-good grief. but am i supposed to spend the rest of my life there? i don't know. I don't know if the love is familarity or God. i look at pictures, i see people, i smell smells, i have china moments and my heart practly explodes. but does it do that because i know life there, i know what it feels like or is that where God has placed my heart? but really, how could you not want to spend forever there?

and then i laughed

Tonight some friends and i went down to the plaza to celbrate Jessica's 25th birthday. After an amazing dinner at bucca di beppo we wandered out to mill creek park and played all sorts of childhood games (when was the last time any of us had played red rover?). After the games we were standing around and this VERY drunk woman wearing a dress that was barely decent staggers by us, maybe 20 yards away. I turn to look at her right as she bends over to pick something up off the ground. And then i laughed. A really obnixous loud laugh. i wish i could say that it was an embarassed don't know what to do in that situation laugh, but i don't think it was...i think it was more along the lines of an "are you kidding me????" laugh.

and then she staggers off along the path and i kind of watch her as one would watch a car accident, but quickly return to the conversation.

about 20 min later i notice one of my friends is sitting off by herself so i go sit with her to see what was up. She looks at me with tears in her eyes and said "i can't stop thinking about that woman. we saw Christ in the flesh and we laughed at him". it was like a kick in the stomach. .

it reminded me of this quote by Gerard Manley Hopkins.
"For Christ plays in ten thousand places,
lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his..."

what a beautiful (and humbling) way to think about that moment. to think that that woman was fearfully and wonderfully made by the king of the universe and he delights in who she is and just is longing to draw her close. it brings me to my knees in repentence, drenched with HIs grace. the grace that allows me to live above satan's lies and believe that this moment will be redeemed.

"Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison and did not take care of you? Then he will answer them "Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me" matt 25:44-45

give me eyes to better see...

5 years ago...

this is what happens when you combine google with being really bored at work...man i was such a dork (some would argue the use of past tense there)!

have a nice day....

"We are TODAY accepted in the Beloved, TODAY absolved from sin, TODAY acquitted at the bar of God. Oh! Soul-transporting thought." ~ C.H. Spurgeon

birthday parties for prostitutes...

i absolutely LOVE this story. And as i've thought this week about what Jesus "with joy set before him..." went through on the cross and why he did it, i keep coming back to this story about Tony Compolo and Agnus. It so embodies what Christ desired the church to be after he left.

A few years ago Tony flew to Hawaii to speak at a conference. The way he tells it, he checks into his hotel and tries to get some sleep. Unfortunately, his internal clock wakes him at 3:00 a.m. The night is dark, the streets are silent, the world is asleep, but Tony is wide awake and his stomach is growling.

He gets up and prowls the streets looking for a place to get some bacon and eggs for an early breakfast. Everything is closed except for a grungy dive in an alley. He goes in and sits down at the counter. The fat guy behind the counter comes over and asks, "What d'ya want?"

Well, Tony isn't so hungry anymore so eying some donuts under a plastic cover he says, "I'll have a donut and black coffee."

As he sits there munching on his donut and sipping his coffee at 3:30, in walk eight or nine provocative, loud prostitutes just finished with their night's work. They plop down at the counter and Tony finds himself uncomfortably surrounded by this group of smoking, swearing hookers. He gulps his coffee, planning to make a quick getaway. Then the woman next to him says to her friend, "You know what? Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm gonna be 39." To which her friend nastily replies, "So what d'ya want from me? A birthday party? Huh? You want me to get a cake, and sing happy birthday to you?"

The first woman says, "Aw, come on, why do you have to be so mean? Why do you have to put me down? I'm just sayin' it's my birthday. I don't want anything from you. I mean, why should I have a birthday party? I've never had a birthday party in my whole life. Why should I have one now?"

Well, when Tony Campolo heard that, he said he made a decision. He sat and waited until the women left, and then he asked the fat guy at the counter, "Do they come in here every night?"

"Yeah," he answered.

"The one right next to me," he asked, "she comes in every night?"

"Yeah," he said, "that's Agnes. Yeah, she's here every night. She's been comin' here for years. Why do you want to know?"

"Because she just said that tomorrow is her birthday. What do you think? Do you think we could maybe throw a little birthday party for her right here in the diner?"

A cute kind of smile crept over the fat man's chubby cheeks. "That's great," he says, "yeah, that's great. I like it." He turns to the kitchen and shouts to his wife, "Hey, come on out here. This guy's got a great idea. Tomorrow is Agnes' birthday and he wants to throw a party for her right here."

His wife comes out. "That's terrific," she says. "You know, Agnes is really nice. She's always trying to help other people and nobody does anything nice for her."

So they make their plans. Tony says he'll be back at 2:30 the next morning with some decorations and the man, whose name turns out to be Harry, says he'll make a cake.

At 2:30 the next morning, Tony is back. He has crepe paper and other decorations and a sign made of big pieces of cardboard that says, "Happy Birthday, Agnes!" They decorate the place from one end to the other and get it looking great. Harry had gotten the word out on the streets about the party and by 3:15 it seemed that every prostitute in Honolulu was in the place. There were hookers wall to wall.

At 3:30 on the dot, the door swings open and in walks Agnes and her friend. Tony has everybody ready. They all shout and scream "Happy Birthday, Agnes!" Agnes is absolutely flabbergasted. She's stunned, her mouth falls open, her knees started to buckle, and she almost falls over.

And when the birthday cake with all the candles is carried out, that's when she totally loses it. Now she's sobbing and crying. Harry, who's not used to seeing a prostitute cry, gruffly mumbles, "Blow out the candles, Agnes. Cut the cake."

So she pulls herself together and blows them out. Everyone cheers and yells, "Cut the cake, Agnes, cut the cake!"

But Agnes looks down at the cake and, without taking her eyes off it, slowly and softly says, "Look, Harry, is it all right with you if...I mean, if I don't...I mean, what I want to ask, is it OK if I keep the cake a little while? Is it all right if we don't eat it right away?"

Harry doesn't know what to say so he shrugs and says, "Sure, if that's what you want to do. Keep the cake. Take it home if you want."

"Oh, could I?" she asks. Looking at Tony she says, "I live just down the street a couple of doors; I want to take the cake home, is that okay? I'll be right back, honest."

She gets off her stool, picks up the cake, and carries it high in front of her like it was the Holy Grail. Everybody watches in stunned silence and when the door closes behind her, nobody seems to know what to do. They look at each other. They look at Tony.

So Tony gets up on a chair and says, "What do you say that we pray together?"

And there they are in a hole-in-the-wall greasy spoon, half the prostitutes in Honolulu, at 3:30 a.m. listening to Tony Campolo as he prays for Agnes, for her life, her health, and her salvation. Tony recalls, "I prayed that her life would be changed, and that God would be good to her."

When he's finished, Harry leans over, and with a trace of hostility in his voice, he says, "Hey, you never told me you was a preacher. What kind of church do you belong to anyway?"

In one of those moments when just the right words came, Tony answers him quietly, "I belong to a church that throws birthday parties for prostitutes at 3:30 in the morning."

Harry thinks for a moment, and in a mocking way says, "No you don't. There ain't no church like that. If there was, I'd join it. Yep, I'd join a church like that."

i bet he would. shoot i would. i so want to BE that church! who's in?

short of breath

Feel I'm on the verge of some great truth
Were I'm finally in my place
But I'm fumbling still for proof
And it's cluttering my space
Casting shadows on my face
I know I have a strength to move ahead
I can hardly leave my room
So I'll sit perfectly still
And I'll listen for a tune
When the mind is on the moon

i woke up this morning craving space. physically. emotionally. spiritually. wanting space to just be and chill and breathe. to breathe deeply...which is something i'm not doing so well lately...actually i don't think i've ever known how to do this. i feel like i need to be breathing, but it's just not happening.


i think that there is a lot for me right now that's underwater. And He's trying to get me to take a deep breath before i go under. did he miss the part that i'm not so good at that? i feel like i'm sitting here trying to get all the air out of my lungs before i go under. i know, it doesn't make sense to me either. He so bad wants me to breathe and i'm just not.

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slip now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me

so i last about two seconds and have to come back up gasping for air. and it's the same story over and over. i wonder how long He'll watch me bob up and down. i wonder how long he'll have to wait before i finally figure it out...

here am i

preface-i really LOVE the things going on in my life right now and i REALLY, REALLY love my friends here...but...

tonight the gathering was all about sending and going. And i knew it was going to be a rough night. i thought i'd be ok. i was wrong. pretty much there isn't a day that i don't think about being overseas, or think about my friends, or even the things that drove me insane. I didn't love china when i first got there. it was really hot and really smoggy and the long term workers were really weird, that lasted about a day. then i loved it. For the 9 months i was there there was only one day that i wanted to be back in america. one day. out of 270-ish.

the week i left we had a little house church with the students we'd been meeting with all semester. they called it their tuesday get together group. There were about 15 students and 3 workers crammed into a small apartment in the middle of the blazing summer without air conditioning. think about everything you've heard about chinese underground house church...that was it. All the students went around the room sharing how they came to know christ. they were speaking in chinese, so i only caught like every 3rd word, and my name. it was beautiful. MY name was in their stories. beautiful and humbling. i looked at their faces, and it was a montage of my time there. remembering their journies and mine. I left two days later. it was the hardest thing i've ever done. walking away. believing that i was being led back to america, but definately not feeling it.

and understand that He reigns. and that He's moving. I might not be there to see it, or tell the stories but He is continuting to show His glory in the dark places. He doesn't need me. that's really hard too. He's bringing His salvation to that city through those 15 students who get together on tuesdays. who risking future jobs, higher pay, class status, and respect continue to share his love and grace with all those around them.

so here i am. knowing that he's called me to kc for now. and being ok with that. just not knowing the "why". and daily dealing with that. daily laying whatever plans i have for myself on the altar. releasing them. letting go. and that's really hard. but i have to understand that God is in control of this moment. and be obidient to that.

little of me

here's some more tagore for you. i figure he's a nobel laureate poet, we'll let him do the words...


Let only that little be left of me
whereby I may name thee my all.


Let only that little be left of my will
whereby I may feel thee on every side,
and come to thee in everything,
and offer to thee my love every moment.


Let only that little be left of me
whereby I may never hide thee.


Let only that little of my fetters be left
whereby I am bound with thy will,
and thy purpose is carried out in my life---and that is the fetter of thy love.

the weight of glory

stop. feel the weight of this moment. it's my arms around you. pressing you-guiding you. feel my touch-feel my hands on your back "do not fear for i am with you". you must walk to the edge-don't run or you might miss it. don't look back-that's not for you to worry about. i will guide you. i will continue to push you when your feet sense the edge and instinctively don't want to take one more step. trust me! but this is real. do NOT treat it lightly. Are you sure? I will continue to push you because I believe in this. I need you to believe in me me. Believe IN me. Believe me. Let go and believe me. the closer you get the harder I'm pushing. Not to force you but to let you know how much I believe in you. You can do this. You can. Why are you scared-I know the plans-you don't have to.

sometimes when God speaks you grab the nearest thing and start writing. in this case it was a paper napkin. beautiful!