So i've got this reoccurring image that i don't know where i first saw it, but it comes around every now and then-mainly when i'm trying to make a decision or sort out what's going on around me. I'm in a circular room made out of mirrors. every single surface is reflective (maybe i got this image from a movie, the labyrinth maybe??). there is one door in that room, but you can't tell its a door, it just looks like a mirror. so i furiously go around the room trying to find the door out at some point the room feels like it's spinning so i loose track of which door/mirrors i've tried and which ones i haven't.
when people have asked me how i've been recently this is the first thing that comes to mind. trying to find my way out of the mirrored room. thinking things are doors when they aren't and just getting exhausted and frustrated. i was telling some friends this a couple weeks ago and they both just spoke stillness into me. not the answer i wanted to hear. i wanted to hear, you're almost there. go for it. instead i got wait. sit in the center of that room of mirrors and wait for Him to open the door.
easier and SO much harder all at the same time. so i'm waiting. sigh.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
me...right now
a new post. i know right?! that's just how life has been lately. i can't even begin to discourse the last 5 months. they're pretty much all over the place, and involve moving twice during that time. i actually packed my stuff up 3 times, but that's another story for another day. part of me wishes i could say that my life was starting to calm down for a bit, but then the other part of me is really excited about what *could* be coming. nothing super big, believe me (i am NOT moving-ha ha), just some small things that will hopefully pay some huge dividends in the form of more time and less stress.
anyway. i was thinking about me and trying to label what i've been feeling for i don't know how long and the best i could come up with is "wait" by alexi murdoch. i LOVE alexi murdoch and this song is definitely in my top 10 songs...
Feel I'm on the verge of some greath thruth
Were I'm finally in my place
But I'm thumbling still for proof
And it's cluttering my space
Casting shadows on my face
I know I have a strength to move a hill
I can hardly leave my room
So I'll sit perfecty still
And I'll listen for a tune
When the mind is on the moon
And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slit now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me
Cause everywhere I seem to be
I am only passing through
I dream these days about the sea
Always wake up feeling blue
Wishing I could dream of you
So if I stumble
And if I fall
And if I slit now
And loose it all
And if I can't be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me
yeah. waiting. definitely my strong suit. ha ha. stay tuned. :)
anyway. i was thinking about me and trying to label what i've been feeling for i don't know how long and the best i could come up with is "wait" by alexi murdoch. i LOVE alexi murdoch and this song is definitely in my top 10 songs...
Feel I'm on the verge of some greath thruth
Were I'm finally in my place
But I'm thumbling still for proof
And it's cluttering my space
Casting shadows on my face
I know I have a strength to move a hill
I can hardly leave my room
So I'll sit perfecty still
And I'll listen for a tune
When the mind is on the moon
And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slit now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me
Cause everywhere I seem to be
I am only passing through
I dream these days about the sea
Always wake up feeling blue
Wishing I could dream of you
So if I stumble
And if I fall
And if I slit now
And loose it all
And if I can't be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me
yeah. waiting. definitely my strong suit. ha ha. stay tuned. :)
Thursday, May 22, 2008
good words
i think i'll actually write some of my own words soon, but this was given to me again this last weekend, almost exactly a year after i first heard it. it's more appropriate now than ever. Thanks michelle!
our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, GORGEOUS, talented and fabulous?
actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of God.
your playing small doesn't serve the world.
there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we are all meant to shine, as children do.
we are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us
it's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
as we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, GORGEOUS, talented and fabulous?
actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of God.
your playing small doesn't serve the world.
there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we are all meant to shine, as children do.
we are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us
it's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
as we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
while we're being real...
i didn't write these words, but its amazing how they parallel my heart.
I’ve realized recently in my own life that part of my struggle to trust God stems from my fear that His plan for my life will be smaller than all that I could ask or imagine. I can dream up some pretty darn fantastic stories for myself, but ultimately I break under the pressure and fail to trust Him because I fear He can’t dream that big. I’m wrong (easier to know in the head than the heart). So I’m still hoping for a beautiful story that would make this whole life journey an unbelievable display of His greatness, not to mention worth the heartache. Some days that comes easier than others
I’ve realized recently in my own life that part of my struggle to trust God stems from my fear that His plan for my life will be smaller than all that I could ask or imagine. I can dream up some pretty darn fantastic stories for myself, but ultimately I break under the pressure and fail to trust Him because I fear He can’t dream that big. I’m wrong (easier to know in the head than the heart). So I’m still hoping for a beautiful story that would make this whole life journey an unbelievable display of His greatness, not to mention worth the heartache. Some days that comes easier than others
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
i'm such a groupie
here are the pics from after the mutemath show.
darren king and i. he's the out of control drummer. i can't even describe it. he just goes to this other place and it's beautiful.
mutemath. paul meany (lead vocals/keys), greg hill (guitar/vocals), roy mitchell-cardenas (bass), darren king (drums)
paul. he's a little out of control too. but dang good at what he does. this pic cracks me up. i don't take photos this close with my good guy friends. much less people i don't really know. but he's famous, so he does what he wants. ha.
so yeah. fun times. we're now bff and all. ha.
darren king and i. he's the out of control drummer. i can't even describe it. he just goes to this other place and it's beautiful.
mutemath. paul meany (lead vocals/keys), greg hill (guitar/vocals), roy mitchell-cardenas (bass), darren king (drums)
paul. he's a little out of control too. but dang good at what he does. this pic cracks me up. i don't take photos this close with my good guy friends. much less people i don't really know. but he's famous, so he does what he wants. ha.
so yeah. fun times. we're now bff and all. ha.
it was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Sometimes on no sleep i do rediculous things. like run 8 miles with a windchill of about -5 degrees with just spandex and a dry-wick shirt. or leave my camera at a habitat for humanity warehouse...
didn't realize my camera was gone until i wanted to use it to take pictures of mutemath at the matchbox twenty show. at the time i didn't so much care. there weren't any super important pics on there and i was getting ready to meet mutemath. nothing was getting me down.
i just got back from habitat and my camera is gone (i def didn't expect it to be there). SUCK. reality check. congratulations anna, you are getting a new camera. the part that makes me the most frustrated is that i had just convinced myself that i could afford an iphone with my bonus from work and my tax rebate. so now that money is going to a new camera. ugh.
*wendy let me use her camera to get pics of me and mutemath. i'll post them when she uploads them
didn't realize my camera was gone until i wanted to use it to take pictures of mutemath at the matchbox twenty show. at the time i didn't so much care. there weren't any super important pics on there and i was getting ready to meet mutemath. nothing was getting me down.
i just got back from habitat and my camera is gone (i def didn't expect it to be there). SUCK. reality check. congratulations anna, you are getting a new camera. the part that makes me the most frustrated is that i had just convinced myself that i could afford an iphone with my bonus from work and my tax rebate. so now that money is going to a new camera. ugh.
*wendy let me use her camera to get pics of me and mutemath. i'll post them when she uploads them
Friday, February 08, 2008
a woman with a plan
I love a good plan. Those who have ever had to do anything with me know this. I'm not quite sure why I like them so much. I was asked the other day if I EVER fly by the seat of my pants and I laughed, yeah, I think I did it once, but I'm pretty sure I was planning on being spontanious at the time.
So tomorrow morning, I'm planning on curling up with my favorite down blanket, some hot water (it's kind of a long story), and a book or two. I say two, well, because I'm currently reading about 5 and it would be nice to get that number down a little before I add to it. Half-way through 5 books. Now this is EXACTLY why I have to plan a morning to relax and read.
oh. I also am going to try to bake something from my amazing Martha Stewart Cookbook that ted and kelli got me for Christmas.
so. excited.
So tomorrow morning, I'm planning on curling up with my favorite down blanket, some hot water (it's kind of a long story), and a book or two. I say two, well, because I'm currently reading about 5 and it would be nice to get that number down a little before I add to it. Half-way through 5 books. Now this is EXACTLY why I have to plan a morning to relax and read.
oh. I also am going to try to bake something from my amazing Martha Stewart Cookbook that ted and kelli got me for Christmas.
so. excited.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
do this in rememberance of me
Growing up Catholic you pretty much have the Mass memorized by the time you're 12. There are minor differences, but for the most part, the prayers, rituals and responses stay pretty intact. Year after year it is always the same. "Do this in rememberance of me". Said by the priest after he has blessed the bread and wine. Quoting Jesus at the last supper, after he to had blessed the bread and wine.
Today is Ash Wednesday. I might still get a call from my mom asking me if I've been to church yet. I remember getting out of school to go to church (and in Lousiana, because of the high percentage of Catholic kids, I think it was like a legit half day or something) and then "accidently" wiping my forehead so I wouldn't get made fun of when i went back to school. In the car ride back to school we were always asked what we had decided to give up that year. I liked to say chocolate-which was quickly vetoed...being that I HATE chocolate and never eat it. We were supposed to come up with something we REALLY liked and would miss, a sacrifice. Like Jesus had sacrificed. I can't for the life of me tell you one thing i have given up in the past.
A friend and I were talking about it last night. She was REALLY enjoying her diet coke (even toasting on every sip. let me tell you-you all WISH you could have been there to see that) becaus it was going to be the last one she drank until easter. During this exchange I realized that i hadn't decided on anything yet. Not that you have to give up something, but I'm just at a place right now, where I don't want to wake up one sunday and realize that it's easter. I need lent right now.
So here is what I've come up with. I too am giving up soda. Not that I drink it a lot, but I LOVE it. And I'm one of those people who will do anything to get what I really LOVE and obsess about it. (read-lack of self control and expert rationalization skills). So the soda is about just not getting something that I want and learning discipline in that. I'm also giving up TV/movies and The OC. I know, The OC gets its own catagory. You have no idea how obsessed I am about it. I don't watch a whole lot of tv at all. But I do watch it when I could be doing other things. and that's what i'm trying to do here. Just create some time and space in my life to write my food for the hungry kid, or paint, or read one of the 50 books that I've bought but have yet to read. (I am allowing myself one movie a week, mainly for social purposes, but also because well...I'd rather watch a movie than take a nap, and I think I might be taking lots of naps in the near future)
I'll definitely keep ya'll updated on how it's going. My hope is that during this time I am able to focus more on Christ and spend some intentional time listening to Him. Do this in rememberance of me...
Today is Ash Wednesday. I might still get a call from my mom asking me if I've been to church yet. I remember getting out of school to go to church (and in Lousiana, because of the high percentage of Catholic kids, I think it was like a legit half day or something) and then "accidently" wiping my forehead so I wouldn't get made fun of when i went back to school. In the car ride back to school we were always asked what we had decided to give up that year. I liked to say chocolate-which was quickly vetoed...being that I HATE chocolate and never eat it. We were supposed to come up with something we REALLY liked and would miss, a sacrifice. Like Jesus had sacrificed. I can't for the life of me tell you one thing i have given up in the past.
A friend and I were talking about it last night. She was REALLY enjoying her diet coke (even toasting on every sip. let me tell you-you all WISH you could have been there to see that) becaus it was going to be the last one she drank until easter. During this exchange I realized that i hadn't decided on anything yet. Not that you have to give up something, but I'm just at a place right now, where I don't want to wake up one sunday and realize that it's easter. I need lent right now.
So here is what I've come up with. I too am giving up soda. Not that I drink it a lot, but I LOVE it. And I'm one of those people who will do anything to get what I really LOVE and obsess about it. (read-lack of self control and expert rationalization skills). So the soda is about just not getting something that I want and learning discipline in that. I'm also giving up TV/movies and The OC. I know, The OC gets its own catagory. You have no idea how obsessed I am about it. I don't watch a whole lot of tv at all. But I do watch it when I could be doing other things. and that's what i'm trying to do here. Just create some time and space in my life to write my food for the hungry kid, or paint, or read one of the 50 books that I've bought but have yet to read. (I am allowing myself one movie a week, mainly for social purposes, but also because well...I'd rather watch a movie than take a nap, and I think I might be taking lots of naps in the near future)
I'll definitely keep ya'll updated on how it's going. My hope is that during this time I am able to focus more on Christ and spend some intentional time listening to Him. Do this in rememberance of me...
Saturday, January 19, 2008
i made HER smile!
so. interesting fact about anna #482 i LOVE to read random (and sometimes not so random) peoples blogs. i'm following a woman as she raises her quad babies in texas, oh about 50 families who are adopting babies from other countries, a stay at home blogging professional mom to two adorable dogs and a sweet little girl, the list could go on. anyway it's become a new obsession of mine.
one of the blogs that i've started to read and LOVE is beth moore's living proof ministries blog. I'm a HUGE fan of beth and have done a ton of her studies, read a few of her books and heard her talk once. (sidenote-if i look half way as good as she does when i'm 50, i'll be SO excited) so on her blog this week she asked those who were reading to leave a comment about who we were, where we were from, what church we went to and our favorite truth right now. so i'm starting to leave my comment and i get to the church denomination part and i'm a little stumped. i don't really know exactly what heartland classifies themselves as, and i honestly don't know much about different denominations, so i put "emergent-ish". because i'm not sure we're 100% emergent, or even 1%, but it seemed like the closest thing in my mind. and really, if you know me, you know that i stick "ish" on the end of EVERYTHING so it just seemed natural at this point.
so today i'm looking at her blog and she posted all the stats, and i get to the church section and there is my "emergent-ish" with a parenthesis (made me smile).
SO FUN! i made beth moore smile. over 1500 comments and mine made her smile. anyway. that's exciting to me.
one of the blogs that i've started to read and LOVE is beth moore's living proof ministries blog. I'm a HUGE fan of beth and have done a ton of her studies, read a few of her books and heard her talk once. (sidenote-if i look half way as good as she does when i'm 50, i'll be SO excited) so on her blog this week she asked those who were reading to leave a comment about who we were, where we were from, what church we went to and our favorite truth right now. so i'm starting to leave my comment and i get to the church denomination part and i'm a little stumped. i don't really know exactly what heartland classifies themselves as, and i honestly don't know much about different denominations, so i put "emergent-ish". because i'm not sure we're 100% emergent, or even 1%, but it seemed like the closest thing in my mind. and really, if you know me, you know that i stick "ish" on the end of EVERYTHING so it just seemed natural at this point.
so today i'm looking at her blog and she posted all the stats, and i get to the church section and there is my "emergent-ish" with a parenthesis (made me smile).
SO FUN! i made beth moore smile. over 1500 comments and mine made her smile. anyway. that's exciting to me.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
wanderlust
Wanderlust. An old German word, when translated from the original German means far and ache. What a description of my heart right now. Aching for far places.
It's been about a year and a half since I've been out of the country. A year and a half since I've been a place I've never been before (although, officially i had never been to Savannah). And I've got that ache. That longing to pack my bag and head out, sitting in coffee shops for hours reading. You know, the kind with book exchanges, because really when you're hiking through south west china, do you really want to carry around more than one book? Eating fresh pineapple for breakfast in an open air restaurant, with nothing on the agenda but the beach, which oh by the way is just a block away.
These blogs are definitely NOT curbing my desire to travel...
friends of a friend. i see their pictures and I'm actually back there. every day i have to fight the urge to buy a plane ticket
never really thought about going to Vietnam until i stumbled across their blog a couple of weeks ago. it also makes me want to adopt a little Vietnamese boy REAL bad too!
And my good friend/old roommate is spending the next month-ish travelling all over the pacific rim area. don't worry I'm not jealous. not at all. ha.
It's been about a year and a half since I've been out of the country. A year and a half since I've been a place I've never been before (although, officially i had never been to Savannah). And I've got that ache. That longing to pack my bag and head out, sitting in coffee shops for hours reading. You know, the kind with book exchanges, because really when you're hiking through south west china, do you really want to carry around more than one book? Eating fresh pineapple for breakfast in an open air restaurant, with nothing on the agenda but the beach, which oh by the way is just a block away.
These blogs are definitely NOT curbing my desire to travel...
friends of a friend. i see their pictures and I'm actually back there. every day i have to fight the urge to buy a plane ticket
never really thought about going to Vietnam until i stumbled across their blog a couple of weeks ago. it also makes me want to adopt a little Vietnamese boy REAL bad too!
And my good friend/old roommate is spending the next month-ish travelling all over the pacific rim area. don't worry I'm not jealous. not at all. ha.
Monday, December 24, 2007
kingdom of light shine on us now
i have a friend. i would tell you her name but if the wrong people read it, then she'd probably get questioned. i would put up a picture of her, but that'd have the same result. so i'll tell you her story. When i met her she was a soph (maybe) in college studying english. we met at the school cafeteria and had dumpling soup, because i told her i really liked dumplings (not so much in soup i learned). She had just accepted Jesus a week ago (on christmas eve) and was SO excited. We agreed to meet at least once a week to study The Book and just hang out. She quickly became my best chinese friend.
Sometimes we'd meet upstairs in a coffee shop to study, other times at McDonalds (one of the few places with heat and air conditioning). Every single time we'd get together, she'd rattle off a handful of her friends names who she had told about Jesus and who now wanted to study about Him with her. literally this girl was on fire, making the most of every opportunity to tell of the Joy that was in her.
one of the most exciting days when i got to "dunk" (baptize) her in one of the large rivers that ran though our city. I'm not sure what she was more anxious about, the obedience of this step, or the fact that her head had never been under water before. The second most exciting day was two weeks before i left to come back home.
we'd been meeting now for about 8 months and she was like my sister. My name was no longer anna but nana (a serious sign of endearment, taking the second syllable of your name and repeating it. only your BEST friend calls you this). we gathered the 20 or so students we had been meeting with all year and walked 5 flights up a dark stairwell to one of the students apartments. no air conditioning, 115 degrees, 20 chinese students and 3 americans. all in this living room. singing and praying and telling the stories of how they came to know Jesus. Their chinese was too good, and mine was not so much, so i only caught every 3rd word. and my name. how humbling it was to hear my name woven into their stories. i was sitting in the middle of a chinese house church.
two weeks later i left-and sobbed all the way to beijing. We kept in touch. sending presents and cards and photos and emails. every time i'd see the characters for her name in my inbox, my heart raced. i wondered what my friend had to say.
i got this email tonight. it broke me-and reminded me of how much i HATE satan and the light he tries to extinguish.
Hi,anna!
It is Christmas Eve here and I am thinking about you. My life used to be bright when i was meeting the other group members regularly and contact you often. You were my sunshine. I was happy then and I felt I was loved by the Brothers and Sisters and all my friends,especially by you. I shoud have kept following Him faithfully.But my faith toward him became weak since i met the chicago guy. I spent a lot of time sending emails to him and chatting with him on msn. I thought he and I would love each other and we would be happy together .So we met in **** this winter ,but unfortunately, he didn't love me . He just said" I like you " .It really made me upset. I should have listened to you and waited patiently for the one. Since I haven't gone to the church for several months, I could barely feel His guidance . I got a little lost.
How have you been ? I often thought about you when I was lying in bed quietly and thinking about those days that you were in **** .It was happiest days I've ever had. We hang out with each other and sang songs for Him together and studied together. I was so joyful and had a thankful heart for Him and for everything i had got then. I want to browse your blog often in order to know how you are doing, but i can't be able to browse it,because many western websites can't be browsed in China .Chinese government doesn't allow Chinese people to visit western website.
I am so sorry for not being so cheerful on this cheerful day. But I really wish you a white Christmas. And I miss you a lot a lot."
"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine" Isa 9:2
I'm praying in her land of great darkness, on the night she first met Him, a light will shine.
Sometimes we'd meet upstairs in a coffee shop to study, other times at McDonalds (one of the few places with heat and air conditioning). Every single time we'd get together, she'd rattle off a handful of her friends names who she had told about Jesus and who now wanted to study about Him with her. literally this girl was on fire, making the most of every opportunity to tell of the Joy that was in her.
one of the most exciting days when i got to "dunk" (baptize) her in one of the large rivers that ran though our city. I'm not sure what she was more anxious about, the obedience of this step, or the fact that her head had never been under water before. The second most exciting day was two weeks before i left to come back home.
we'd been meeting now for about 8 months and she was like my sister. My name was no longer anna but nana (a serious sign of endearment, taking the second syllable of your name and repeating it. only your BEST friend calls you this). we gathered the 20 or so students we had been meeting with all year and walked 5 flights up a dark stairwell to one of the students apartments. no air conditioning, 115 degrees, 20 chinese students and 3 americans. all in this living room. singing and praying and telling the stories of how they came to know Jesus. Their chinese was too good, and mine was not so much, so i only caught every 3rd word. and my name. how humbling it was to hear my name woven into their stories. i was sitting in the middle of a chinese house church.
two weeks later i left-and sobbed all the way to beijing. We kept in touch. sending presents and cards and photos and emails. every time i'd see the characters for her name in my inbox, my heart raced. i wondered what my friend had to say.
i got this email tonight. it broke me-and reminded me of how much i HATE satan and the light he tries to extinguish.
Hi,anna!
It is Christmas Eve here and I am thinking about you. My life used to be bright when i was meeting the other group members regularly and contact you often. You were my sunshine. I was happy then and I felt I was loved by the Brothers and Sisters and all my friends,especially by you. I shoud have kept following Him faithfully.But my faith toward him became weak since i met the chicago guy. I spent a lot of time sending emails to him and chatting with him on msn. I thought he and I would love each other and we would be happy together .So we met in **** this winter ,but unfortunately, he didn't love me . He just said" I like you " .It really made me upset. I should have listened to you and waited patiently for the one. Since I haven't gone to the church for several months, I could barely feel His guidance . I got a little lost.
How have you been ? I often thought about you when I was lying in bed quietly and thinking about those days that you were in **** .It was happiest days I've ever had. We hang out with each other and sang songs for Him together and studied together. I was so joyful and had a thankful heart for Him and for everything i had got then. I want to browse your blog often in order to know how you are doing, but i can't be able to browse it,because many western websites can't be browsed in China .Chinese government doesn't allow Chinese people to visit western website.
I am so sorry for not being so cheerful on this cheerful day. But I really wish you a white Christmas. And I miss you a lot a lot."
"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine" Isa 9:2
I'm praying in her land of great darkness, on the night she first met Him, a light will shine.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
wishing and hoping (and waiting)
so Henri Nouwen is pretty much THE MAN.
[from Watch for the Light, a collection of readings on Advent]
"Waiting is open ended. Open-ended waiting is hard for us because we tend to wait for something very concrete, for something that we wish to have. Much of our waiting is filled with wishes. We are full of wishes, and our waiting easliy gets entangled in those wishes. For this reason a lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future. We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are dissapointed and can even slip into despair. That is why we have such a hard time waiting: we want to do the things that will make the desired events take place.
But Zechariah, Elizabeth and mary were not filled with wishes. They were filled with hope. Hope is something very different. Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises adn not just according to our wishes. Therefore, hope is always open-ended.
i have found very important in my own life to let go of my wishes and start hoping. it was only when i was willing to let go of wishes that something really new, something beyond my own expectations could happen to me. Just imagine what mary was actually saying in the words 'i am the handmaid of the Lord...let what you have said be done to me" (luke 1:38). She was saying "i don't know what this means, but i trust that good things will happen.'"
and then Jesus was born. Holy heck. amazing!
[from Watch for the Light, a collection of readings on Advent]
"Waiting is open ended. Open-ended waiting is hard for us because we tend to wait for something very concrete, for something that we wish to have. Much of our waiting is filled with wishes. We are full of wishes, and our waiting easliy gets entangled in those wishes. For this reason a lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future. We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are dissapointed and can even slip into despair. That is why we have such a hard time waiting: we want to do the things that will make the desired events take place.
But Zechariah, Elizabeth and mary were not filled with wishes. They were filled with hope. Hope is something very different. Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises adn not just according to our wishes. Therefore, hope is always open-ended.
i have found very important in my own life to let go of my wishes and start hoping. it was only when i was willing to let go of wishes that something really new, something beyond my own expectations could happen to me. Just imagine what mary was actually saying in the words 'i am the handmaid of the Lord...let what you have said be done to me" (luke 1:38). She was saying "i don't know what this means, but i trust that good things will happen.'"
and then Jesus was born. Holy heck. amazing!
Monday, November 19, 2007
an old friend
"you don't stand in front of a mirror before a run wondering what the road will think of your outfit. you don't have to listen to its jokes and pretend they're funny in order to run on it. it would not be easier to run if you dressed sexier. the road doesn't notice if you're not wearing lipstick. does not care how old you are. you do not feel uncomfortable because you make more money than the road. and you can call on the road whenever you feel like it. whether it's been a day...or even a couple of hours since your last date. the only thing that the road cares about, is that you pay it a visit once in a while" -nike ad in What Women Want.
i went running on lamar today for the first time in a month. after the race, i joined the gym at work so i had just been running there. but i had today off and with nothing to do at 8 o'clock this morning decided to put on my shoes and head out. i had forgotten how much i love running up and down lamar. how well i knew it, and how well it knew me. hitting 4:30 at 71st street, during the rock out section of Heaven Hear Us. 8:30ish at 75th street. not quite realizing that my pace was that fast. my legs just went into muscle memory. knowing exactly where the hills were, and how hard they'd have to push in order to stay on pace. if i could just make it to the bear house (a house wtih a bear figurine in the front yard made out of a tree trunk, sits at the top of a hill before 69th) then i know it'd be flat until home. i turned on 68th and didn't even realize that i was on my street until i ran past my neighbors house.
i got home and felt like i could have run for miles. people often have different experiences when they run. for some it's a form of meditation almost. i had never experienced that, always being super aware of my surroundings and what was going on, that i was never "tuned out". until today. it was perfect.
for probably the first time ever i stopped "thinking". my mind went somewhere else and i let it go. and i was richly rewarded. i didn't have to fake my excitement in running through ankle deep leaves. i didn't have to rationalize why i needed to breathe and walk until the 3rd tree after 71st. thr road just knew. like an old friend would know. and it smiled and drew me deeper into it's comfort.
i went running on lamar today for the first time in a month. after the race, i joined the gym at work so i had just been running there. but i had today off and with nothing to do at 8 o'clock this morning decided to put on my shoes and head out. i had forgotten how much i love running up and down lamar. how well i knew it, and how well it knew me. hitting 4:30 at 71st street, during the rock out section of Heaven Hear Us. 8:30ish at 75th street. not quite realizing that my pace was that fast. my legs just went into muscle memory. knowing exactly where the hills were, and how hard they'd have to push in order to stay on pace. if i could just make it to the bear house (a house wtih a bear figurine in the front yard made out of a tree trunk, sits at the top of a hill before 69th) then i know it'd be flat until home. i turned on 68th and didn't even realize that i was on my street until i ran past my neighbors house.
i got home and felt like i could have run for miles. people often have different experiences when they run. for some it's a form of meditation almost. i had never experienced that, always being super aware of my surroundings and what was going on, that i was never "tuned out". until today. it was perfect.
for probably the first time ever i stopped "thinking". my mind went somewhere else and i let it go. and i was richly rewarded. i didn't have to fake my excitement in running through ankle deep leaves. i didn't have to rationalize why i needed to breathe and walk until the 3rd tree after 71st. thr road just knew. like an old friend would know. and it smiled and drew me deeper into it's comfort.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
light
So the last 20 minutes of work today was amazing. mainly because i didn't really have much to do (some would argue that i never have anything to do) and just stared out the window at the sunset. it was definitely one of those Lisa Frank sunsets where the sky is 15 different colors and looks like a nebula. i would glance away for a second and the sky would change like a kaleidoscope. Nothing like having a west facing window 5 stories up in downtown kc. so beautiful.
by the time i had left work, the sun had fully set. so i drove home in the dark. i LOVE when it starts to get dark at 5:30. there is just something so serene about driving home in the early evening and being able to see the stars. or lights. Everything seems simpler, more clear in the darkness. you can actually see the light.
I drove down the highway, the kc skyline on my left, the buildings freckled with office lights still on. ruby and diamond strings of head and tail lights stretched out in front of me while Amos Lee's soulful voice carried my cares away. it was one of those moments where the world just is. life might be heavy or light, confusing or understood, chaotic or peaceful, but in that moment, life just IS.
And you can sit at work irritated that its 5:30 and you're still there, or you can look out the window and wonder in awe at how creative and beautiful our God is. You can sit in traffic and be bitter, or you can see jewels sprinkled everywhere you look, and a hear a soundtrack that couldn't be more perfect if someone had spent years planning it. And though the darkness has it's arms around you, you can't stop staring at the light. funny how that happens...
by the time i had left work, the sun had fully set. so i drove home in the dark. i LOVE when it starts to get dark at 5:30. there is just something so serene about driving home in the early evening and being able to see the stars. or lights. Everything seems simpler, more clear in the darkness. you can actually see the light.
I drove down the highway, the kc skyline on my left, the buildings freckled with office lights still on. ruby and diamond strings of head and tail lights stretched out in front of me while Amos Lee's soulful voice carried my cares away. it was one of those moments where the world just is. life might be heavy or light, confusing or understood, chaotic or peaceful, but in that moment, life just IS.
And you can sit at work irritated that its 5:30 and you're still there, or you can look out the window and wonder in awe at how creative and beautiful our God is. You can sit in traffic and be bitter, or you can see jewels sprinkled everywhere you look, and a hear a soundtrack that couldn't be more perfect if someone had spent years planning it. And though the darkness has it's arms around you, you can't stop staring at the light. funny how that happens...
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
the race part dos
so i'm not limping anymore. which is a good thing-i think. As much as i liked the "reminder" i actually like not being in pain a little better. hmm. i hope that i don't need the limp to remember this...
Over the last oh i don't know how long i've had issues grasping the fact that i'm loved. broken friendships and relationships, shattered trust, gossip; they all contributed to the lie that no one really loved me, i was just merely tolerated. The way i responded to every situation reflected that idea about myself. I spent more time rationalizing why people were doing what they were doing and trying to convince them that they really didn't want to hang out with me, then i did actually enjoying whatever we were doing. This definetely carried over to my view of God. I didn't see Him as a lover, someone who i could love and who loved me.
One weekend near the end of this summer i had a HUGE breakthrough of truth and finally accepted the fact that I was loved by God and could love him with my whole heart (it's a really beautiful story, but that's another post, for another time). For about 2 weeks i was solid. i couldn't stop smiling-i was seeing everything through the lense of a beloved daughter. it was amazing. Then over time that weaned. the lies started seeping back into my mind and heart and it was a battle to not let them take over. I don't know if i've ever faught so hard in my life as i did in those moments. thankfully this time around i had a firm grip on the truth and was never fully consumed, as i had been in the past.
when i started telling people about my race, i did it more out of excitement and anticipation then anything else. So when my friends told me they were coming to watch me-i blew it off. 7 am on a saturday. standing outside for 2 hours just to watch me run by. yeah right. who does that? but friday night they remind me that they're coming. maybe they weren't just saying it to be nice.
i start off the race anxious. one of my biggest fears being that i don't know where they will be and i'm embarassingly afraid of needing a walk break right where they are and end up walking by them. lame i know. so i'm running and half scanning the crowd looking for people, consenting to the fact that there is probably no way that i'll be able to see them anyhow, and i just need to forget it.
running through the plaza, i look up and there is joey and ryan. HUGE smiles and waves. my heart catches, nothing about being at the race was convinent for either of them. a mile or so later i come around a corner and there is crystal and her dog gunner. She's jumping up and down running alongside me, yelling encouragment for me. at this point i tear up. really? all that excitement and looking foolish just to encourage me? i get to the finish and there at the end of the chute is wendy bell and two of our young life girls. i'm so excited that they're there i forget to keep moving, which wendy promptly reminds me. so we go to the finish where they boys are standing and just talk. and hug. lots of hugs. i really love hugs. ali tells me i made her cry when i crossed the finish. everyone's proud of me. i try to play it off, it's no big deal, blah blah. but inside i'm praising Jesus for each one of them. They are my blessing. Their love is my blessing. When mile 10 hit and i could barely walk and with every painful step was begging God to show me what he wanted me to remember this phrase is what i got:
you are loved.
henri nouwen says it so beautifully....
"That love that came to you in particular, concrete human friendships and that awakened your dormant desire to be completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic. It does not have to be denied as dangerous and idolatrous. A love that comes to you through human beings is true, God-given love and needs to be celebrated as such... when you try to die to that love in order to find God's love, you are doing something God does not want. The task is not to die to life-giving relationships but ot realize that the love you received in them is part of a greater love...You can and must hold on to the truth of the love you were given and recongize that same love in others who see your goodness and love you"
i am loved.
Over the last oh i don't know how long i've had issues grasping the fact that i'm loved. broken friendships and relationships, shattered trust, gossip; they all contributed to the lie that no one really loved me, i was just merely tolerated. The way i responded to every situation reflected that idea about myself. I spent more time rationalizing why people were doing what they were doing and trying to convince them that they really didn't want to hang out with me, then i did actually enjoying whatever we were doing. This definetely carried over to my view of God. I didn't see Him as a lover, someone who i could love and who loved me.
One weekend near the end of this summer i had a HUGE breakthrough of truth and finally accepted the fact that I was loved by God and could love him with my whole heart (it's a really beautiful story, but that's another post, for another time). For about 2 weeks i was solid. i couldn't stop smiling-i was seeing everything through the lense of a beloved daughter. it was amazing. Then over time that weaned. the lies started seeping back into my mind and heart and it was a battle to not let them take over. I don't know if i've ever faught so hard in my life as i did in those moments. thankfully this time around i had a firm grip on the truth and was never fully consumed, as i had been in the past.
when i started telling people about my race, i did it more out of excitement and anticipation then anything else. So when my friends told me they were coming to watch me-i blew it off. 7 am on a saturday. standing outside for 2 hours just to watch me run by. yeah right. who does that? but friday night they remind me that they're coming. maybe they weren't just saying it to be nice.
i start off the race anxious. one of my biggest fears being that i don't know where they will be and i'm embarassingly afraid of needing a walk break right where they are and end up walking by them. lame i know. so i'm running and half scanning the crowd looking for people, consenting to the fact that there is probably no way that i'll be able to see them anyhow, and i just need to forget it.
running through the plaza, i look up and there is joey and ryan. HUGE smiles and waves. my heart catches, nothing about being at the race was convinent for either of them. a mile or so later i come around a corner and there is crystal and her dog gunner. She's jumping up and down running alongside me, yelling encouragment for me. at this point i tear up. really? all that excitement and looking foolish just to encourage me? i get to the finish and there at the end of the chute is wendy bell and two of our young life girls. i'm so excited that they're there i forget to keep moving, which wendy promptly reminds me. so we go to the finish where they boys are standing and just talk. and hug. lots of hugs. i really love hugs. ali tells me i made her cry when i crossed the finish. everyone's proud of me. i try to play it off, it's no big deal, blah blah. but inside i'm praising Jesus for each one of them. They are my blessing. Their love is my blessing. When mile 10 hit and i could barely walk and with every painful step was begging God to show me what he wanted me to remember this phrase is what i got:
you are loved.
henri nouwen says it so beautifully....
"That love that came to you in particular, concrete human friendships and that awakened your dormant desire to be completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic. It does not have to be denied as dangerous and idolatrous. A love that comes to you through human beings is true, God-given love and needs to be celebrated as such... when you try to die to that love in order to find God's love, you are doing something God does not want. The task is not to die to life-giving relationships but ot realize that the love you received in them is part of a greater love...You can and must hold on to the truth of the love you were given and recongize that same love in others who see your goodness and love you"
i am loved.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
the race part one...
i finished the race. I say that only because that is the first question everyone asks me. "did you finish?" in my mind it sounds rediculous but knowing what was going on with my muscles last week, maybe it's not so absurd. When i was talking to a friend last sunday faced with the very real possiblity that i wouldn't be well enough to actually race i made the observation that it might not be about 13.1 miles one october afternoon. Maybe it was about the three months of training leading up to it, maybe it was about coming so close and not running it. I just wanted to be open to what ever purpose God had in it. I forgot that i had even said that until this moment. or maybe it was about the last 3 miles.
"So jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. when the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the soket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "i will not let you go unless you bless me" Genesis 32:24-26
Last week i had a dream and part of it i was fighting with a older man (i thought it was someone's dad). i don't remember much but that it was like hand to hand and i was defending myself. if i didn't fight him, he was going to kill me. I had this dream two nights in a row. After the second night, i emailed my friend (who i always email my crazy dreams to) and she just responded how it reminded her of the story of Jacob wresting with God. interesting.
So saturday i'm cruising along. the weather could not be better. i made a new friend at the start, anne who was amazing! She even waited for me while i had to stop and pee at mile 3. Anyway no problems through mile 4. At the second drink stop i grapped gatoraide and the cup was so full i managed to spill it all over myself. red gatoraide. all over my face, my shirt and my leg. nice. Then i was having problems breathing (stupid activity induced asthma) so i told ann to go ahead and i'd catch up with her later (i never did). The course was beautiful and after the first two hills, relatively flat or downhill. At mile 8 i ate/gagged on my gu. nasty, but it helped keep my energy up. I had put a lot of random songs on my ipod and they seemed to fit perfectly along with my run. like i felt like i was in a movie that had been masterfully sountracked.
mile 10. i had never run further than 10 miles during traning. i was kind of dreading this point. you know. make it or break it time. so i cross the mile 10 marker, look down at my watch and i'm only 2 min off my pace (stupid potty break-never drinking that much before a race again). came to my rescue is on my ipod and at that moment it breaks into "my life be lifted high, my world be lifted high, my love be lifted high". it was such a beautiful moment. my eyes filled up with tears. i ran worshipping Him. Then i stepped and sharp pain shot through my right leg. left. right. pain. so i slowed to a walk. still pain. right on my hip socket.
i put pressure where it hurt and started to run again. Pleading with God to stop the pain. wondering if you needed someone else to lay hands on me for the spirit to heal me or if just my hands and prayers worked. i tried it anyway. swearing if i saw anyone i knew i'd stop and have them pray for me. the pain subsided a little. i continued to run. Then the pain came back. i walked a little more. At this point frustrated with the whole situation i started to get angry. Then i remember what susannah said about Jacob. it was his right hip. i put pressure back on the socket and started to run again. trying to remember the story. Why had God hurt his hip? what was the purpose? eyes welling up again. Ok God, what are you getting at?
The pain came and went for the last 3 miles. sometimes i was able to run for a good 4 min before having to walk. Then there were times where every step i took made me wince, clench my teeth and groan. suck. I managed to run out the last bit and finished in 2:16. i wish it could have been faster, but considering that i'm still limping 2:16 is probs a dang good time.
Jacob's hip was touched and dislocated so that he limped for the rest of his life. every step he took reminded him of the blessing that God had given him. he was never to forget.
i think i've figured out what i'm not supposed to forget...
"So jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. when the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the soket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "i will not let you go unless you bless me" Genesis 32:24-26
Last week i had a dream and part of it i was fighting with a older man (i thought it was someone's dad). i don't remember much but that it was like hand to hand and i was defending myself. if i didn't fight him, he was going to kill me. I had this dream two nights in a row. After the second night, i emailed my friend (who i always email my crazy dreams to) and she just responded how it reminded her of the story of Jacob wresting with God. interesting.
So saturday i'm cruising along. the weather could not be better. i made a new friend at the start, anne who was amazing! She even waited for me while i had to stop and pee at mile 3. Anyway no problems through mile 4. At the second drink stop i grapped gatoraide and the cup was so full i managed to spill it all over myself. red gatoraide. all over my face, my shirt and my leg. nice. Then i was having problems breathing (stupid activity induced asthma) so i told ann to go ahead and i'd catch up with her later (i never did). The course was beautiful and after the first two hills, relatively flat or downhill. At mile 8 i ate/gagged on my gu. nasty, but it helped keep my energy up. I had put a lot of random songs on my ipod and they seemed to fit perfectly along with my run. like i felt like i was in a movie that had been masterfully sountracked.
mile 10. i had never run further than 10 miles during traning. i was kind of dreading this point. you know. make it or break it time. so i cross the mile 10 marker, look down at my watch and i'm only 2 min off my pace (stupid potty break-never drinking that much before a race again). came to my rescue is on my ipod and at that moment it breaks into "my life be lifted high, my world be lifted high, my love be lifted high". it was such a beautiful moment. my eyes filled up with tears. i ran worshipping Him. Then i stepped and sharp pain shot through my right leg. left. right. pain. so i slowed to a walk. still pain. right on my hip socket.
i put pressure where it hurt and started to run again. Pleading with God to stop the pain. wondering if you needed someone else to lay hands on me for the spirit to heal me or if just my hands and prayers worked. i tried it anyway. swearing if i saw anyone i knew i'd stop and have them pray for me. the pain subsided a little. i continued to run. Then the pain came back. i walked a little more. At this point frustrated with the whole situation i started to get angry. Then i remember what susannah said about Jacob. it was his right hip. i put pressure back on the socket and started to run again. trying to remember the story. Why had God hurt his hip? what was the purpose? eyes welling up again. Ok God, what are you getting at?
The pain came and went for the last 3 miles. sometimes i was able to run for a good 4 min before having to walk. Then there were times where every step i took made me wince, clench my teeth and groan. suck. I managed to run out the last bit and finished in 2:16. i wish it could have been faster, but considering that i'm still limping 2:16 is probs a dang good time.
Jacob's hip was touched and dislocated so that he limped for the rest of his life. every step he took reminded him of the blessing that God had given him. he was never to forget.
i think i've figured out what i'm not supposed to forget...
Thursday, October 18, 2007
it sounded like a good idea at the time
Three-ish months ago i decided that I'd run the kc half marathon. I had my hal higdon training schedule and was ready to go. A month into training i'm running one saturday morning and step on a pretty thick rusty wire. Don't ask me how the wire managed to not bend when i ran on it or how i didn't see it. all i know is that i stepped on it, it went through my running shoes and stuck in my foot. i could barely get a grip on it to pull it out. but i did-and continued to run the rest of my 4 miles. Thanks to julie and a perscription of cipro-i survived.
Three weeks after that i'm running at 5:30-in the dark and trip over the most ridiculous patch job of sidewalk i've ever seen. i meant to take a picture and post it but i forgot. we're talking the tar with rocks mixture randomly splattered over 6 feet of sidewalk. and i bit it bad. For better or worse, there was no sliding, just all my weight on my knees and left hand. The gouge on my left palm finally healed a couple of weeks ago.
Then on my last long run before the race, i'm a half mile from home and my whole body cramps. and i NEVER cramp. it started in my calves, which i thought was odd, then spread to my hamstrings and lower back. At this point i slowed my pace and considered walking the last bit. Up my back and around my neck and shoulders. When my forearm started cramping, i gave up and walked. Which is kind of an overstatement. For 17 hours i couldn't stand up straight or move faster than a shuffle. it was horrible.
on sunday, feeling totally selfish and awkward, i asked my friends to pray for me. I didn't know what was going on with my body, but it definately wasn't fun. They prayed what i so desperately needed-rest, and peace, and strength that was not my own. I took the day off on monday to do just that-rest. it was good though i could have used 15 mondays between then and now. What is awesome is the number of people who "just happened to think" of me that day. I felt so covered by and washed over in His grace.
a day and a half out. i think i've felt every emotion under the sun in the last 2 days. Mostly fear. What if i start out too fast? What if my knee gives out? What if i can't get my shoes tied comfortably? (I've been having issues with this lately) what if the hills are too much or there's no wind or 80 year old grandmas pass me? I know. all irrational, but my mind is flooded with them. That and trying to remember everything i've ever heard about racing. alternate between gatoraide and water, eat 2 hours before race time, don't forget your inhaler (dang it-i'm sure i'll forget it. i have all week).
But there have also been moments of feeling like a total b.a. i've trained for this, i know i can do it. I'm totally shooting for a sub 2 hour race. i love the pain and the burn. i do.
Thanks to those of you who kept me accountable-some days knowing you'd ask how my run was was the only reason i ran. To those who saw me trudging up lamar and honked and waved. To those who endured my incessent complaining about my wifebeaters making me chafe. To those who made fun of the fact that i tripped on almost every run i went on. And to those who know this is a big deal, even when i try to play it cool and pretend it's not. You guys are awesome.
13 weeks of training coming down to 2 hours of racing. Here goes nothing...
Three weeks after that i'm running at 5:30-in the dark and trip over the most ridiculous patch job of sidewalk i've ever seen. i meant to take a picture and post it but i forgot. we're talking the tar with rocks mixture randomly splattered over 6 feet of sidewalk. and i bit it bad. For better or worse, there was no sliding, just all my weight on my knees and left hand. The gouge on my left palm finally healed a couple of weeks ago.
Then on my last long run before the race, i'm a half mile from home and my whole body cramps. and i NEVER cramp. it started in my calves, which i thought was odd, then spread to my hamstrings and lower back. At this point i slowed my pace and considered walking the last bit. Up my back and around my neck and shoulders. When my forearm started cramping, i gave up and walked. Which is kind of an overstatement. For 17 hours i couldn't stand up straight or move faster than a shuffle. it was horrible.
on sunday, feeling totally selfish and awkward, i asked my friends to pray for me. I didn't know what was going on with my body, but it definately wasn't fun. They prayed what i so desperately needed-rest, and peace, and strength that was not my own. I took the day off on monday to do just that-rest. it was good though i could have used 15 mondays between then and now. What is awesome is the number of people who "just happened to think" of me that day. I felt so covered by and washed over in His grace.
a day and a half out. i think i've felt every emotion under the sun in the last 2 days. Mostly fear. What if i start out too fast? What if my knee gives out? What if i can't get my shoes tied comfortably? (I've been having issues with this lately) what if the hills are too much or there's no wind or 80 year old grandmas pass me? I know. all irrational, but my mind is flooded with them. That and trying to remember everything i've ever heard about racing. alternate between gatoraide and water, eat 2 hours before race time, don't forget your inhaler (dang it-i'm sure i'll forget it. i have all week).
But there have also been moments of feeling like a total b.a. i've trained for this, i know i can do it. I'm totally shooting for a sub 2 hour race. i love the pain and the burn. i do.
Thanks to those of you who kept me accountable-some days knowing you'd ask how my run was was the only reason i ran. To those who saw me trudging up lamar and honked and waved. To those who endured my incessent complaining about my wifebeaters making me chafe. To those who made fun of the fact that i tripped on almost every run i went on. And to those who know this is a big deal, even when i try to play it cool and pretend it's not. You guys are awesome.
13 weeks of training coming down to 2 hours of racing. Here goes nothing...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
worst. feeling. ever.
so i have this thing with words. i LOVE them. speaking them. reading them. writing them. I take pride in my ability to love people with them and i hate the fact that they can cut so deep sometimes. Words are my crutch. when life gets confusing or hard, i process. rehashing every inarticulate detail to my friends/roommates/anyone who casually asks how i'm doing. if no one is there i journal. pages upon pages upon pages of questioning and pleading and praising. and usually by the end of it, all is well with the world again. funny how that works out...
i've never really had a problem with words, or a lack of them. i was the kid whose desk was pushed up against the chalkboard because if anyone was in 5 feet of me, i'd find something to say to them. even one the first day, in my first class in college i got asked to stay after because i sat in the front row and talked through the entire lecture.
but for some reason the last 3 days i've been at a loss of words. i feel like everything i want to say is caught in my throat. i try to swallow but it does no good, i try to speak and they just won't move. all my words are just sitting there, causing a dull ache. man it sucks. i feel like there is so much to say right now, so much to write but its just not coming out. I wonder if this is anything like Zechariah felt when Gabriel silenced him? I wonder if he had a lot to say during that time that just had to sit in his throat? I can only hope that when the lump is finally gone, i'm like Zechariah and the first thing that i utter is praise!
i've never really had a problem with words, or a lack of them. i was the kid whose desk was pushed up against the chalkboard because if anyone was in 5 feet of me, i'd find something to say to them. even one the first day, in my first class in college i got asked to stay after because i sat in the front row and talked through the entire lecture.
but for some reason the last 3 days i've been at a loss of words. i feel like everything i want to say is caught in my throat. i try to swallow but it does no good, i try to speak and they just won't move. all my words are just sitting there, causing a dull ache. man it sucks. i feel like there is so much to say right now, so much to write but its just not coming out. I wonder if this is anything like Zechariah felt when Gabriel silenced him? I wonder if he had a lot to say during that time that just had to sit in his throat? I can only hope that when the lump is finally gone, i'm like Zechariah and the first thing that i utter is praise!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
roots
It's been 2 years and one week since i have been back from china. I was talking to a friend on sunday and i realized that i had missed my two year statestide anniversary. it seemed appropriate though, being that for the first time really since then, china doesn't define me. Oh, believe me, i have more china stories to tell then time to tell them, and still really love my zhong guo peng yous, but that's just not where God has me right now. For the first time i'm not looking to where i'm headed next. I'm here. I'm home. And it feels awesome.
Put down and cultivate roots. There is no fruit without roots. Roots give us strength. They bring stability when the wind blows. Roots mean we belong. A rootless person is a person who floats through life, never having stayed long enough or committed deep enough to really give himself or herself to a place or a people. Roots give us depth. In times of drought people with roots will survive, even thrive, while others dry up. There are seasons in everyone’s life of dryness. But a person with deep roots draws from the water that flows far beneath the surface. There are different kinds of roots: emotional roots, relational roots, cultural roots, and spiritual roots. Love the place God puts you. Love the people God joins you with. Invest your life in a small community of people where you are known, held accountable, and are loved.-Floyd McClung
Put down and cultivate roots. There is no fruit without roots. Roots give us strength. They bring stability when the wind blows. Roots mean we belong. A rootless person is a person who floats through life, never having stayed long enough or committed deep enough to really give himself or herself to a place or a people. Roots give us depth. In times of drought people with roots will survive, even thrive, while others dry up. There are seasons in everyone’s life of dryness. But a person with deep roots draws from the water that flows far beneath the surface. There are different kinds of roots: emotional roots, relational roots, cultural roots, and spiritual roots. Love the place God puts you. Love the people God joins you with. Invest your life in a small community of people where you are known, held accountable, and are loved.-Floyd McClung
Monday, September 24, 2007
i was a running
it makes me laugh that i get up earlier on saturday mornings to run than i do during the week to go to work. But there is just something about the stillness of 5am on a saturday morning. If i could get my whole run in while it was still dark, turning the corner to my house, running into the sunrise, that would be perfect, but alas, that would be a 4am start time-and it's not quite that worth it.
i love how my mind wanders during these runs. usually when i start out, i can clearly see orion on my left and i wonder how in the heck people used to navigte by the stars. or how you can definately tell the yards that don't clean up after their dogs. it's like all my senses are heightened. except of course my sight. a wire stuck in my foot and biting it bad on some shoddy sidewalk repairs would testify that i don't pay attention to what's right in front of me.
anyway. i digress. a couple of weeks ago some friends (who are also training for the half marathon) and i were talking about how fast their paces were compaired to my not as fast pace. one of them made a comment to the effect of in sports and stuff...when it gets hard, guys push harder, and girls give up. we bantered around for a bit discussing the valdity of that statement (case in point of that being totally false, anna chambers!) and it just struck me how easily i give up when stuff gets hard. like the uphill mile stretch between 95th-87th on lamar. on saturday i was determined to make it up the whole thing without giving up when it got hard. knowing how easily i talk myself into just walking from here to the next driveway, i literally had to tell myself that "not today. we're not going to give up today".
whats true in the way that i run, has been soo true in my life recently, especially with friendships. When things get hard, it is SO much easier for me to just walk away. to give up. to not fight. because it's ok, and i'm ok, and i'll survive without them, so lets just deal with it and move on. and it sucks for a little bit, but then i'm ok and on to the next thing/person/whatever.
i talked to one of my best friends last night after not having a legit conversation in over a month. we've both been SUPER busy and just not able to connect. in my head i had rationalized that our friendship had just evolved to the "hey how's it going? good. good. see ya later" and was ok with that. But just in filling her in on my life and being challenged by her and honestly just being in her presence was soo refreshing to my spirit. I had forgotten how well she knew me and my heart. how i didn't have to explain why i am the way i am, she just knew.
i had almost given up. but this time i couldn't walk away. i couldn't just deal with it. my spirit knew what i needed and it ran toward that.
i love how my mind wanders during these runs. usually when i start out, i can clearly see orion on my left and i wonder how in the heck people used to navigte by the stars. or how you can definately tell the yards that don't clean up after their dogs. it's like all my senses are heightened. except of course my sight. a wire stuck in my foot and biting it bad on some shoddy sidewalk repairs would testify that i don't pay attention to what's right in front of me.
anyway. i digress. a couple of weeks ago some friends (who are also training for the half marathon) and i were talking about how fast their paces were compaired to my not as fast pace. one of them made a comment to the effect of in sports and stuff...when it gets hard, guys push harder, and girls give up. we bantered around for a bit discussing the valdity of that statement (case in point of that being totally false, anna chambers!) and it just struck me how easily i give up when stuff gets hard. like the uphill mile stretch between 95th-87th on lamar. on saturday i was determined to make it up the whole thing without giving up when it got hard. knowing how easily i talk myself into just walking from here to the next driveway, i literally had to tell myself that "not today. we're not going to give up today".
whats true in the way that i run, has been soo true in my life recently, especially with friendships. When things get hard, it is SO much easier for me to just walk away. to give up. to not fight. because it's ok, and i'm ok, and i'll survive without them, so lets just deal with it and move on. and it sucks for a little bit, but then i'm ok and on to the next thing/person/whatever.
i talked to one of my best friends last night after not having a legit conversation in over a month. we've both been SUPER busy and just not able to connect. in my head i had rationalized that our friendship had just evolved to the "hey how's it going? good. good. see ya later" and was ok with that. But just in filling her in on my life and being challenged by her and honestly just being in her presence was soo refreshing to my spirit. I had forgotten how well she knew me and my heart. how i didn't have to explain why i am the way i am, she just knew.
i had almost given up. but this time i couldn't walk away. i couldn't just deal with it. my spirit knew what i needed and it ran toward that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)