some things never change

I randomly picked up my journal from a few summers ago and have been reading through it. its been interesting to see how the same things I struggled believing then, I'm only just now getting a handle on. 2 years later. fantastic. 

I laughed SO hard when i came across this, in the middle of a really deep entry from 7/22, ironically... 

"we were walking up the stairs and ____ was coming down them. And in true ____ fashion- he just looked amazing"*

I'm sure if I sill had my journals from when I was 13 (yes I've kept one since I was 12) there would be a similar entry. And one from when I was 16, 20 and last week. awesome. 

*maintaining at least a shred of my dignity with the omission of his name. ha ha. 

filled/emptied

I used to HATE to be alone. I don't know what it was a fear of, but man, I could only last about 2 hours before I just needed to be near someone (multiple roommates can attest to this-ha). Over the last few years I've been drawn into periods (oh about one night a week) of just wanting to be totally alone, reading, writing, pretty much whatever as long as it involved no one else. Over the last three weeks, that one night a week has turned into at least 4 hours a day. seriously. Its absolutely beautiful! Whats been neat about it is that its been super balanced. Like my alone time has filled me and fueled me in such a way that I'm LOVING the time I get to spend with my friends. That time has been incredible because I think for the first time I'm fully aware of who I am and what I was created for. Living and encouraging and loving (and BEING loved) out of that place is beyond beautiful. sigh. dang.

I look forward to the weekends because that just means MORE hours that I can spend reading/journaling. I've got a wedding tonight (which I'm BEYOND thrilled about) and I was thinking that I'd just hang out all day saturday. Its supposed to be beautiful. And then I remembered that I said I would help out with some family counseling stuff at a horse ranch. all. day. saturday. UGH. everything in me wants to back out. To become busy (which I would be. reading) and just peace out on my commitment. I mean, I love these kids, but that's my whole saturday. When will I get to read then????

The new hillsong united has been on repeat in my ipod for the last three weeks. As I was lamenting this morning on how much I wanted anna time and how fruitful it has been and bummed about what I was going to miss out on by being busy on saturday, the last line The Desert Song hit me.

I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow

alright. I get it.

broken...

So my totally awesome friend is an absolute incredible writer/poet/a million other things and has been working on this series for a while now. although beautiful to read, until last week it was just poetry expressing her heart. Now I read it and my heart explodes with that EXACT same emotion. Good grief!

The Breaking part IV

There is no in between anymore.
Now is all I have, with faces burned
In memory of there – of where
It is dark.
Faces in the dark.
Sparked, they need fanning
To flame.
But I sit, wait,
An ocean away.

I break:

Sure of one thing.
Light wins.
Unsure of everything

since you put it that way...

"On a scale of 1 to 7, where 1 means 'not at all satisfied with my life' and 7 means 'completely satisfied,' the people on Forbes magazine's list of the 400 richest Americans average 5.8--the same as the Inuit people in Greenland and the cattle-herding Masai of Kenya, who live in dung huts with no electricity or running water. Calcutta's slum dwellers score only a little lower, at 4.6."


this rocks my social justice-development economist heart!

story of my life

So at my job I deal with significantly large sums of money daily. Making sure everything ties out, double and triple checking numbers, massive amounts of emailing all to make sure that Luxembourg, India and Kansas City are all on the same page with the same numbers. No sweat right?

We're having a food day tomorrow and decided to order out chipotle. And I got nominated to set everything up. No big. Got everyone signed up, called chipotle and asked when we needed to have our order faxed in for friday they said "thursday by 10". Ok. 24 hours. I've never worked food service before, I have no idea about things like this. this morning I fax over the order and call to confirm that they received it. I call at 10:00 to confirm my order. They got it and said that they couldn't do it by 10:45 but could have it ready by 11. I was confused because they said that there was a line in front of my order (clue #1 are people in kc really that organized that there is a line of chipotle orders 24 hours in advance??). But he assures he'll have it ready by 11. (mistake #1, actually #2 but we'll get there, I didn't make sure he knew it was tomorrow. I had confirmed this 3 times in previous calls, but not the last one).

So I start totalling up the money and dividing it (because that's what i do. play with numbers all day. it's kind of a sickness, I'll admit that). Get that all figured out and go downstairs to get lunch. it's about 11:15. My phone rings.

chipotle "hi someone from there placed an order"
me "yes, i did"
chipotle "its ready for pickup"
me "it was for tomorrow" SUCK!
chipotle "well. you faxed it today"

And thus ensued the confusion over what date was on the fax (mistake #1) and although i called to confirm 3 times, I'm sure I talked to three different people and the message didn't get relayed. End result being, they were "going to have to throw away A LOT of food. this is a HUGE order to throw away".

dang. my bad. We didn't need the food today. We need it tomorrow. And we're still ordering it tomorrow. We might switch chipotle's though and just go to the one in P&L.

i love how i deal with millions upon millions of dollars a day, but when it comes to placing $124 worth of chipotle, i screw that up royally. awesome.

giddy!

If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY." psalm 94:18-19 new english translation
I read this verse today and every single time I've looked at it I've noticed another favorite part. SO much goodness in 2 small verses. man. HIS loyal love supports me. Its HIS soothing touch that makes me giddy. See i have had this transference problem. i view God in human standards. I base my perception of Him dependent on how others treat me. Its like i have no frame of reference for certain qualities of God because i haven't had positive examples of that in my life. But after reading this verse (which i found on Beth Moore's blog, btw) it totally shifted everything for me. I know its elementary and everyone else probably had this figured out back in middle school, but this just hit home as God loving me through my friends. OF COURSE she would say that, because that's the truth that God wants to speak into my life. OF COURSE he would do that because God wants to heal and redeem me. People love me because God loves me. yup. giddy 16 year old girl-right here! :O) 

home

I've spent my whole life moving. welcome to the world of an army brat! Even when I came back from overseas, I thought I'd stay in one place, and I've lived in 5 different houses in KC in about 3 1/2 years. so I've gotten really used to introductions, and pretty much have a script down for the first couple of weeks of getting to know someone. It's about when we hit year 2 and 3 that it gets a little difficult for me. I've just never had friends for that long, so I don't know what to do when i really become known. Well, actually i just run. Switch it up. Make new friends. rinse and repeat.

I hit that point in November. There really wasn't any one thing that pushed me over the edge, I just did what I always did, what was natural, and pulled myself out of community in search of something new. I figured I'd make new friends, dive into new community and it'd be awesome! I knew it wouldn't come immediately so I gave it some time but something didn't feel right. Friends would ask me how I was doing and I'd respond "fine" but quickly tagged on to that was "it just doesn't feel like home". searching for home.

There's this funny thing about searching for home. You really don't search. You fall into it. Yes, building community takes work, but there is a difference in working at it and trying to force it.

A couple of weeks ago (Easter) I went back (was drawn back, whatever verbage you want to put to it) to my old community. I needed to be around people who knew me, who knew my heart and could speak into it. I was afraid it would be awkward. As I was walking in I literally had the thought "will I know anyone? who will I talk to?" wow. lies from the pit. Here was a community I had poured my heart into for 2 years and I was worried about having people to talk to. It was an incredible night of worship. The worship leader (and my really good friend) opened up the night for continued worship and prayer. He was walking the aisle praying. So I went to walk toward him to have him pray for me. I was still about 15 yards away from him when he saw me. I doubt if I'll ever forget what happened next. A HUGE smile came over his face and he threw his arms open and his head back and laughed, as if to say "of course its you".

In that moment I think I got a glimpse of what the prodigal son felt when he returned. Granted I wasn't out squandering my money and partying it up, but I was away from home. And a spiritual "father" (more like an older brother, but you get the idea) was beside himself to see me. He wasn't angry or hurt or disappointed that I left, there was only love in his eyes and pure joy and excitement that I was back.

I can't even really describe what it feels like to be back in a place where I'm known and where I know people. It's been incredibly reflective and beautiful. I've lived life with these people and have seen them grow into their passions (kb), experience God's faithfulness over and over (jess), be healed emotionally and physically (suze), see dreams come to fruition (waaay to many to list). I know their stories. I knew them when. They know my stories. They knew me when. They know me now.

sigh. dang. Its SO good to be home!

do it!

have a great weekend!!

becoming

I heard a song this weekend that could have been written for me, the EXACT moment I was hearing it. If I've ever felt the hand of God on a moment, it was this one. I can't even read the lyrics without tearing up. If you do one thing today, listen to this song. holy crap!

Becoming by April McLean

I know I made you cry
I failed you left and right
And I've been too hard inside to see you hurting
And I guess all I can say
Is that even at my age, I'm still learning

And I know it's hard to believe
But there's been a change in me
And what I could not give you then
I can give you now

I'm becoming
whole
And I'm becoming
healed
And I'm becoming
something beautiful to see
I'm overcoming fear
And I'm overcoming shame
And I'm becoming
so much more than me

That's why I'm here tonight
To try and set things right
And rebuild the bridges I once left burning
I cannot change the past
I cannot change your mind
I guess all I can change is me

So I'm becoming
strong
And I'm becoming
wise
And I'm becoming what you thought you'd never see
I'm overcoming pride
And I'm overcoming blame
And I'm becoming so much more than me

I'm becoming
whole
And I'm becoming
healed
And I'm becoming
something beautiful to see
I'm overcoming fear
And I'm overcoming shame
And I'm becoming
so much more than me

this week

i have

-slept with a long sleeved t-shirt, dance pants AND knee socks on. if you know me at all, you know how much of a stretch that is. never mind the fact that my room (in the half-finished basement) has been on average a brisk 40 degrees

-gone to bed before 8 pm-and i had to force myself to even stay up that late

-perfected the art of getting ready REALLY quick. granted i've always been quick when it comes to the getting ready in the morning, but we're talking still in bed at 5:30 and sitting at my desk at work by 6:04. i'm pretty amazed myself.

-not washed my hair since sunday morning. i think this might be a record for me. and if i didn't tell you, you'd never know...my hair is just that awesome.

-grown to not love my "california" ring tone as my new alarm clock. i guess it's not the song's fault it wakes me up at 4:40 :(

-laughed harder than i have in i think EVER. i have one stinkin awesome and hilarious roommate

-cried harder than i have in a long time. this came a mere 24 hours after the laughter. life is all about balance i guess

all in all...its been a GREAT week. seriously. life is flipping incredible right now!

not quite what i had planned...

i need a vacation. not a day off, but a day away. i waste my days off. and by wasting i mean sitting on the sofa watching an embarassing amount of the oc or west wing. i was going to get away to texas (not quite the ocean get-a-way i was hoping for, but warmer than kansas right now), but the $140 speeding ticket i got last night took care of that for me. yup. it's been one of those weeks, and it's only tuesday. awesome.

lessons learned

A couple of years ago at the training to go overseas our speaker spoke on rights. I don't remember all of it, but I remember the strong implication it gave as to adjusting our attitude and what we believe our rights are. I don't have the right to eat what I want to for breakfast (for some reason breakfast was a big deal to me while over there), I don't have the right to sleep in past the 6am playing of the national anthem right outside my hotel window, I don't have the right to not eat what was put in front of me. All summer (and the next year) I was reminded of what my rights were and it put me in such a beautiful position of gratefulness and humility and grace.

Fast forward 5 years. I was supposed to be transferring departments at work today. I've known about this move and my anticipation had been building for over a month. Yesterday I found out that my move date got pushed back and I wouldn't be able to transfer for another week and a half. I was livid. All the reasons they gave for needing to hang onto me for longer weren't my fault. I felt like I was being punished for things that I had no control over. I wanted everything to be fair, and fair to me meant that I got to move when they told me I would-not two weeks later.
It took me about 5 hours to calm down, and during those 5 hours I was horrible to all of my coworkers.

As I was reading before bed last night I was overcome with the reality of my sin. Somewhere I had bought into the idea that I deserved to move to my new group on my schedule. That it was my right to only do the bare minimum required of me now. That will show them. ugh. It made me sick thinking back on my attitude yesterday.

So today I'm thankful that every morning His mercies are new. That I've been given a whole other day (and 8 more after that) to love and serve and be Christ to those He's surrounded me with.

insert creative title here

so i wish this post had pictures, because it would make it that much more awesome. but alas, i'm at work, so words will just have to do. And numbers. because lets be honest, by the time i scan my id badge for the 5th time since i entered the parking garage (1.to get into the garage, 2.to get out of the garage stairwell and into tower 1...yes it's called tower one, i work in tower 2. i know weird. 3.to get onto the elevator 4.to get onto my floor after getting off the elevator and 5.we have these card readers at our desks that we insert the card into to sign on to the computers) my brain is geared up for lots and lots of numbers all day. wow. that was a long tangent...

1. one of my roommates leaves today on a relaxing trip with her parents. she's gone for 7 days. 7 whole days. not quite sure how THATS going to work. when you talk to someone for like 2-3 hours a day, and then they're gone for a week...that's a little bit of an adjustment. just sayin.

2. one of my dear friends is getting married tonight. SuPeR excited for her. their story is beautiful!

3. 13 days until my birthday. the big 2-7. im excited!

4. i'm LOVING the song Christmas by Leona Naess. dang. it's good!!!

5. i opened my car door on my forehead today. i'm not sure exactly how this happened, but it's actually happened twice in the last 2 years. needless to say i have a HUGE gouge on my forehead (yup. it was a little disconcerting seeing blood trickle down my forehead when i moved my hair out of the way) and i'm waiting for it to swell up.

so this whole list thing sounded more impressive in my head than it looks written out. we'll blame the blunt force trauma that inflicted on myself this morning. yeah. that's it. are we sure that i need to be managing billions of dollars today? eh. no big deal. :oP

grow old with me

So i have this fascination with growing old. i don't know where it came from or why exactly. i get REALLY excited when it's almost my birthday (26 days baby!) because i get a year older. :) i'm sure at some point (probably around 29 ha ha) i'll get over this, but right now i kind of can't wait until i'm 60! granted i have this idea that i'll be a regal/quirky diane keaton type when i'm 60, not the crazy cat lady, ya know?

this morning-and every day this week, lets be honest-i went into einstein bro's for my daily blueberry bagel/honey almond schmear addiction (which i need to get over-like yesterday!) and there was a group of about 7 elderly folks sitting around one of their big tables drinking their coffee and eating their bagels. I SO want that. to be retired and sitting around the table with 6 of your closest friends who you've known at least 20 years. friends who've LIVED life with you through marriages, births, deaths, seasons. incredible. it's not about the coffee or the bagels (which i love) but more about knowing and being known deeply as you only can over the course of YEARS.

my longest "lived in the same city, still talk and hang out pretty regularly" friendship just passed the two year mark. yup. it's a learning curve, but hey you have to start somewhere...


i can't wait!

consumed

You know when you hear something and it just strikes you and that's all you can think about. Or when you see something and that image is BURNED in your mind and although you don't think about it all the time, occasionally it comes back up and it's all you can see.

my mind is consumed. my heart is burning. its the same story that's been in the back of my mind since that one night at starbucks in thailand-almost 4 years ago. and i have little more vision now than i did then. all i know is that i was enjoying my frappuccino on the 3rd story patio balcony of the starbucks on the beach-she was standing on the street below-turning tricks. never mind the "couple" at the table to our left. he was late 40s early 50s, she was maybe 17.

i wonder what their names are? are they still working? are they still alive? how old were they then? 14? 17? which is actually relatively old considering...


needless to say, i'm having a hard time focusing on work today-and i really want to see this movie!

http://www.callandresponse.com/

is this really my life?!?

so maybe waiting isn't so bad. you know? I'm starting to miss it actually. ha ha. i found out last week that i got a new position at my company that I've wanted (and prayed for, and had friends pray for) for over a year! it was such an awesome feeling knowing all the refining that had taken (and continues to take place) over that time.

I'm generally not the most patient person. if something doesn't happen within about 2 weeks i generally give up and move on. not with this. i really felt that God was moving with my job stuff, but i just didn't know when or how that would work out. there were many times when i wanted to give up and quit and work at starbucks but i just knew that He had something more for me. so i pressed on.

when i found out last week, i was SO proud of myself for being faithful, and not giving up. I'm not sure if God says "i told you so" often but i could feel him saying that over me with a smile.

then i thought of this verse...mal 3:10. it has been INCREDIBLE to really not be able to contain the blessings. i don't even know what to do with myself half the time. i go around wondering if this is my life or if it's a movie. it just seems that over the last week it was the best case scenario every single time. or I'd think of how cool it would be if this happened or that happened and then the most wild possibility would end up happening. my little plans were GREATLY overshadowed by what He's longing to pour out over me.

so after a week of that, I've resigned (ha ha) to the fact that He's just going to blow me away. and I'm PUMPED!! bring it! ;)

"Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." -malachi 3:10b

stillness? waiting? really?!?!

So i've got this reoccurring image that i don't know where i first saw it, but it comes around every now and then-mainly when i'm trying to make a decision or sort out what's going on around me. I'm in a circular room made out of mirrors. every single surface is reflective (maybe i got this image from a movie, the labyrinth maybe??). there is one door in that room, but you can't tell its a door, it just looks like a mirror. so i furiously go around the room trying to find the door out at some point the room feels like it's spinning so i loose track of which door/mirrors i've tried and which ones i haven't.

when people have asked me how i've been recently this is the first thing that comes to mind. trying to find my way out of the mirrored room. thinking things are doors when they aren't and just getting exhausted and frustrated. i was telling some friends this a couple weeks ago and they both just spoke stillness into me. not the answer i wanted to hear. i wanted to hear, you're almost there. go for it. instead i got wait. sit in the center of that room of mirrors and wait for Him to open the door.

easier and SO much harder all at the same time. so i'm waiting. sigh.

me...right now

a new post. i know right?! that's just how life has been lately. i can't even begin to discourse the last 5 months. they're pretty much all over the place, and involve moving twice during that time. i actually packed my stuff up 3 times, but that's another story for another day. part of me wishes i could say that my life was starting to calm down for a bit, but then the other part of me is really excited about what *could* be coming. nothing super big, believe me (i am NOT moving-ha ha), just some small things that will hopefully pay some huge dividends in the form of more time and less stress.

anyway. i was thinking about me and trying to label what i've been feeling for i don't know how long and the best i could come up with is "wait" by alexi murdoch. i LOVE alexi murdoch and this song is definitely in my top 10 songs...

Feel I'm on the verge of some greath thruth
Were I'm finally in my place
But I'm thumbling still for proof
And it's cluttering my space
Casting shadows on my face
I know I have a strength to move a hill
I can hardly leave my room
So I'll sit perfecty still
And I'll listen for a tune
When the mind is on the moon

And if I stumble
And if I stall
And if I slit now
And if I should fall
And if I cant be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me

Cause everywhere I seem to be
I am only passing through
I dream these days about the sea
Always wake up feeling blue
Wishing I could dream of you

So if I stumble
And if I fall
And if I slit now
And loose it all
And if I can't be all that I could be
Will you, will you wait for me


yeah. waiting. definitely my strong suit. ha ha. stay tuned. :)

good words

i think i'll actually write some of my own words soon, but this was given to me again this last weekend, almost exactly a year after i first heard it. it's more appropriate now than ever. Thanks michelle!

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, GORGEOUS, talented and fabulous?

actually, who are you not to be?
you are a child of God.

your playing small doesn't serve the world.
there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won't feel insecure around you.
we are all meant to shine, as children do.
we are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us

it's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
as we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

while we're being real...

i didn't write these words, but its amazing how they parallel my heart.

I’ve realized recently in my own life that part of my struggle to trust God stems from my fear that His plan for my life will be smaller than all that I could ask or imagine. I can dream up some pretty darn fantastic stories for myself, but ultimately I break under the pressure and fail to trust Him because I fear He can’t dream that big. I’m wrong (easier to know in the head than the heart). So I’m still hoping for a beautiful story that would make this whole life journey an unbelievable display of His greatness, not to mention worth the heartache. Some days that comes easier than others